HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I TOOK MY FRENCH HOLIDAY IDEA and looked a little closer at what I actually wanted out of it. That is, to escape. And where I really want to go isn't France at all but Germany. And you can't go to Germany and not go to Berlin. So that is where I have decided I wanna live. As I said, I did years and years of German so I shouldn't have TOO much trouble filling in forms, reading things, etc. I will just need to get a really good dictionary.

I would love to say, "I'm going there forever. Never again shall I set foot on British soil." (I am very much tired of Britain. This country is sinking into a morass of doublestandards. Modern Britain deals with nothing until crisis is reached (who does that remind me of?) Problems are swept under the carpet: out of sight = out of mind. Civil liberties are being eroded here perhaps quicker than anywhere else in the "civilized world" and that really gets me. The "mother of all parliaments" is utterly corrupt; the home of free speech and all that is losing free speech. Spy cameras are everywhere. The populace are rude and violent. Immigrant communities rule over us and are full of attitude. Foreigners always seem to be first on the housing queue.

Having said all that, Neonaziism is what puts me off Berlin (and Germany in general) the most. But you can't have everything. And I never said I thought the grass over there was any greener. I'm just so sick of Britain. I want to live with a different set of problems.

And I intend to run away from my drug addiction.

I was already aware there are NA meetings in English in Berlin and that little link made going there seem a little less forlorn. I'm not "emigrating", just "migrating" for a while with 2 objects in mind. These being: 1: to get references/experience so I can actually go out and get a JOB ~ wow!! and 2: improve command of German enough to have usable skill rather than semi-useless semi-fluency.

I have never been to Berlin in my life. Neither have I set foot on the soil of any German-speaking country. My mind was oriented towards the region by years of language study at school, so it seems utterly ridiculous not to have gone. Also I long had a fascination with life behind the iron curtain ~ East Berlin of course was the gateway to all this. So when the wall came down without my having ventured behind it I was secretly rather miffed. There is something oddly romantic about former Soviet bloc chic. Giant alienating concrete architecture. Cold wind from the East ...

What really sealed all this was when my Mum said at the weekend: "well if you want to go voluntary work over there I'll help you out". And I thought: Yippee! Then I'm going!!

They're selling orange squash, not that I think anybody would remember it from this... but the advert is amazing. The bird is a canary in natural coloration...
I think this is classic ...

Oh and while we're at it, here's a McDonald's ad from Thailand
Note how the English word "spicy" comes through loud and clear:

OK I promise: last one
I love this piri-piri Thai lady:


Syd said...

The neoNazi stuff would be very scary to me. I don't think that I would want to live in Germany--just not my idea of a place to hang out.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I think your trip sounds thriling, Gleddy! Does your mum want to adopt another kid? I'm 43, but what the hell. She sounds lovely.



Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, I've missed quite a bit haven't I ... belated Birthday greetings to you, see you got the digital radio you mentioned a little while back :)

Really sorry to read about little Bashful and Itchy. Poor old Spherical ... interesting death ritual she performed for Bashful. Who will look after her when you visit Germany?

Bimbimbie said...

ps the orange juice advert - too tweet *!*

Gledwood said...

Syd: I think it's just isolated attacks and always on nonEuropeans. To look at, nodoby would know I wasn't German anyhow. But I agree: it really does put me off going there

SB: I'll ask her!!

Bimbimbie: Spherical ~ I'm not sure. Anyway I have to get a new passport first. The old one's falling apart ...

Jeannie said...

I've been reading The Shock Doctrine - what's happening to Britain (and Canada and virtually everywhere else I think) is that feudalism is coming back with the ultra rich and corporations as the landlords. I don't know that you will escape it in Germany but at least it will be a change. My daughter's boyfriend came here from Germany - I'm guessing largely because his Mom is from here and his parents split but I wonder what his thoughts are about the state of things there. I'll ask him.

Gledwood said...

yes that is indeed the new feudalism

will you tell me what he says...pls??

Gattina said...

Unfortunately I can't help you at all.I have a German passport and I speak german that's my mothertongue but besides that I live for 50 years now in Belgium and never have been in Berlin either. What enerves me very much is this completely fals image most of the britts still have from Germany although nearly all who suffered the WW2 are dead ! I am 66 now and was born in Frankfurt, destroyed to 90 % in the middle of the war. I have never had to deal with Nazis.The children of them have today all my age and I am really fat up to hear all the time that Germany is full of Nazis ! My generation is not responsible for what our parents did ! and one thing is for sure, there are more Neo Nazis in other European countries than in Germany. In Germany those parties are forbidden.My son was in Berlin and loved it. He told me that it is a town where he would love to live. (he lived for 10 years in London and loved it too. Now he is in Amsterdam) He is German/Italian and only speaks english or french. His passport is German ! He is 36. He never lived in Germany either. But don't expect a paradise. Work is short like everywhere in Europe. There is no exception. It can only come worse ! Belgium and Holland, Italy and France we are all in the same boat, and your country sits in there too !

Lesley said...

Germany is the country I would most like to visit and I love the language. Berlin would be a fantastic city to spend some time in.

Having studied a bit of German history/philosophy, I endorse what Gattina is saying. It's people from other countries that find the idea of neo-natzism fascinating. German people would rather leave all that behind and they are a lovely nation of people.

I'd particularly love to have a holiday in Bavaria. The scenery is spectacular.

Gledwood said...

Gattina: no it's the NEO-Nazis I'm scared of ~ kids a generation YOUNGER than me firebombing Turks etc... though I don't see that I should fear them any more than anyone else. I'm 100% "North European" in appearance...

All I heard about Germany at school (re my own generation) was a kind of postwar guilt and a determination never ever to let something that terrible happen again ...

Lesley: yes apart from Berlin I wanted to go to Cologne or cuckoo clock land (Bavaria) or Vienna in Austria ...



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood