HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Digital Radio

MY MUM said she was buying me a birthday present. I am now 38 years old. This is far too old to be a junkie. But anyway we went through Tesco's electrical department and picked out a cheapie CD player plus (what I really wanted) a digital radio.

The FM dial in London is so jam-packed with pirate stations playing outdated early 90s drum-&-bass I find it literally impossible to get a signal on the speech stations I actually like.

Nobody uses satellite radio in this country. In fact I have never seen (or even heard of) a set on sale, though I've heard a satellite called Hotbird does broadcast to Europe. What I got was DAB, which offers crystal-clear reception subscription free from local broadcasters on about 50 channels ~ though there's apparently space for loads more. Unlike ordinary FM radio, DAB broadcasts come via a "multiplex" where the signal on one frequency, eg 220 mhz is divided into 8 or more stations, making pirate DAB broadcasting a tad too technically complexicated for the average drum-&-bass towerblock hoodlum.

The radio pirates install their FM transmitters at the top of residential towerblocks and broadcast practically anywhere they please on the FM dial. Sometimes you can just about get talk radio but with a ceaseless pulse of dfff-dfff-dffffff sub-bass. Other times the DJ's voice comes shamelessly through on top, interjecting phases like "rewind selecta" and "big up da blah-de-blah-blimblom" (their mates). There's supposed to be a taskforce tackling these illegal broadcasters, who use random flats in the area (with another, low-power frequency as link) but they never seem to go away for more than a day or two. You can usually tell which is and isn't strictly "legit" because pirate stations broadcast in mono ~ so they don't light up the red stereo light. I'm all for freestyling on the radio waves don't get me wrong. I just find it annoying when they're decimating the BBC. Personally I think the legal broadcasters should all switch to digital and leave FM for anybody who wants a go. But apparently there's a problem because car manufacturers usually install AM/FM-only radios in keeping with pan-European demand and a lot of digital-only broadcasters claim to lose money. The latest "multiplex" got no bidders and so the future of DAB in the UK is uncertain.

Meanwhile I'm more than happy with what's there!

It's Bashful's funeral today or tomorrow. Oh, and I'm moving to Berlin. More about that tomorrow ...

VIDEO

It was the Eurovision song contest
on Saturday night. Widely derided (here); taken incredibly seriously (in the East) it attracts transEuropean viewing figures of over 100,000,000.

I must have been out of my head because unlike former years (when I avoid it like bubonic plague) I thought to myself "this might be good!"~??!? and settled down with a nice cup of tea. Thankfully I conked out for the first half of the "ceremony" but this is what I remember:

PS If you come from lands far overseas and believe all European pop music is a tacky load of tat, see this before you cement your opinion (it will only strengthen it!!)

NORWAY (Best tune)
I was going to put this down as the best entry musically anyhow. And they happened to WIN also:



UKRAINE (Best visuals)
The singer mortgaged her flat to pay for this elaborate set. I hope she gets her money back:



UK
Musicals composer Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote the tune. Whoever wrote the lyrics ("it's my time, it's my time" repeated over and over) deserves to be shot:

("Royaume Uni" came 5th out of 25, with 42 countries voting...)


14 comments:

Lou said...

I would never cast dispersions on the country that gave us the Beatles and the Stones.

The Ukraine however...that was just scary!

WAT said...

We have satellite radio here, but it is struggling to stay afloat. The only reason I got it was to keep up with that zany vulgar loon Howard Stern who got many to subscribe, but still not enough to keep the two main big companies (XM and Sirius) from merging recently just to prevent going under.

YOU'RE MOVING TO BERLIN?! HUH???!!!

Akelamalu said...

Is it your birthday today Gleds???

HAPPY BIRTHDAY M'DEAR AND MANY HAPPY RETURNS.

How nice that your Mum got you just what you wanted for your birthday present. :)

Naomi C. said...

why yes I had not watched the eurovision song contest in years... not since LOVE CITY GROOVE were on. remember that?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjZ5KnEWebs
CLASSIC!

I want to move to Berlin! Ever since I watched Christiane F and watched a few documentaries on the place I totally wanted to go there. I love the language; unfortunately, a combination of crap teachers and the ignorance that most kids have now these days "oh, everybody speaks english, i don't really need to bother" meant my german skills dont extend past ich bin naomi and how to order a sausage in the butchers. David Bowies music in german... sexy! And I love Lou Reeds Berlin. Hell, I just love everything Berlin! More on that later... I will have to wait till I get back in 2 weeks. Yes, I am off tomorrow!

I am ashamed to say I don't listen to radio that much anymore. Shame, only time I do is when I am in the shower (got one of those tacky fm.am waterproof radios shaped like a seahorse!) or when my mate is talking on bbc radio. My mum swears by Digi Radios though. Hell, I wish I had one to take into rehab, maybe there will be one there? There is something isolating about just sticking to my ipod with its predictable playlist. Maybe I shall get a cheap one from Tesco as its next door to the hospital where I am going first to stock up on cigarettes.

Baino said...

I don't think we have pirate stations here . .to my mind there's far TOO much talkback by US style shock jocks with their right wing wankiness. Berlin? Crikey Gleds! Can't wait for the mystery to be unravelled!

Nicole said...

Hey! Did I hear you say birthday??? Happy Birthday!!! I think you and I were born in the same year!

Janice said...

Happy B-day Gled, mine was on the 16th, and I'm ten years old than you.

Berlin huh? Interesting choice.

Janice~

kelly Al-Saleh said...

38 too old to be a junkie! I'm 36 so not far behind you. I thought I would have grown up by now too but you can only take each day as it comes.

Anyway...

----HAPPY BIRTHDAY----

;->

xKellyx

Vincent said...

Happy birthday! :-)

That's very nice of your mom. I hope it works properly :-)

Deb said...

Happy birthday Gleds!

I apologize for ignoring my friends here...I've been sick (and tired) and just haven't had the energy to do much.

So sorry to hear about Bashful. :( Very sad. And moving to Berlin?!?!? Wow, looks like I have a lot of catching up to do here.

;)

Gledwood said...

Lou: yeah: I meant to say "most remarkable visuals" rather than best. "Best" by Eurovision opens a totally new set of standards...

Wat: yeah fed up of Britain. Totally 100% well and truly ...

Akelamalu: it was recently but thanks for the returns!!

Naomi: best of luck in rehabilitation m'dear... only old people listen to the radio. I never did when I was your age... be careful with possessions at rehab. I'm surprised they don't give locking lockers (they should). Digital radio/tv/etc doesn't go down too well at places like rehab as the extra choice just means extra hard to strike a compromise on what IS watched/listened to...

Baino: socalled shock jocks were attemptedly brought in here but the style crashed and burned. London is so full you cannot hear the fm dial. Maybe 80 or 90 stations vying for attention on Saturday night. Maybe 25 official ones, the rest illicit! If you had pirate radio I'm sure you would know it, also as I said they don't light up the red stereo light ~ that's a big clue

Gledwood said...

Nicole: 1972? aye. I'm a water rat~ haha!!

Janice: it's a fascination rather than dream destiny if you know what i mean. I'm under no illusions of Berlin as promised land ~ I'd just really like to see it and from experience know that a weekend break will hardly achieve THAT

Kelly: cheers. I'm just bored of no future and a wiped out past!

Vincent: me too!!

Debs: hey you just reminded me I can hardly move with hamsters can I ????

(dur. I mean HamsteR single)

Syd said...

Are you getting another roborovski? I hope so.

molson said...

Pirate radio? Arrrr! I needs me some pirate radio. Strictly verbotten here though.

Germany? I'd go for the beer, but I'm sticking it out in the States right in the heart of the Rust Belt where unemployment is in vogue. Politicians have been bashing things up here for quite a while now and are still hard at it. Both our main political parties are totally corrupted. Politicians suck. All of them.

So sorry to hear about the demise of the Bashful One. I shall quaff a beer in her honor. Heck I may quaff a dozen.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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