HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, May 01, 2009

Moving House Yet Again

YESTERDAY MORNING I got an unexpected postal missive marked URGENT in enormous red writing. "Ring us [the property agents] immediately."
So I did.
And got through to a cheery young girl who said "oh we're moving you to another address".
"But I can't do this till after the weekend, and where is it?" I replied.
"Oh if you can be out by the beginning of next week that would be lovely."
(Lovely my ****.) "No, I mean I have to ring my family and I don't know what they're doing. So I might not be able to do anything till after this weekend," which is May Day public holiday weekend in this country, just for added inconvenience.
And they would not tell me where it was until I came in. "I'll come in this afternoon," I assured them.
Then I took three hits of heroin in a row and knocked myself out. I was in a very bad mood and utterly convinced they were moving me from my laminated floored paradise into a dirgy garret hellhole, like certain past accommodation in passed years in...
Having sulked all night I reluctantly turned up at the landlord's this morning expecting the worse. Signed papers and demanded this time a copy so I can at least inform the Council properly (no-one told me last time I was meant to piff-paff-puff around with housing benefit forms/etc. I only found out about the last set of computational problems at the council when I was informed 1: I did not exist on the computer and 2: I was being sued by the council tax into the bargain. "But how did you know I was living there if I don't exist on the computer?" I asked, wide-eyed and stupidly. "Oh that's because your landlord told us you were living there," the Desk Operative replied. Lovely ...

To cut a long story short all my sulking was wasted energy. Far from being a rat-ridden fleapit, the new place is just as nice as where I am now. In fact this time I actually get a separate bedroom with actual door and double bed! Plus a living room with two blue armchairs! Plus fully working cooker (I checked) with oven that I failed to check (knowing me I'd forget to turn it off ~ this in highest of Costa del Cockney summertime weather. London doesn't half get sweltering on occasion and it's like that now. All blue skies and Outstanding Council Tax bills...

Mumzy says she will move me in on Sunday. Thanks Mum!

Mother Hubbard is in hospital with pancreas-itis. She says they promised her a medical procedure "in near-unconsciousness". Instead they passed a python-size slither-implement down her throat with bitey ends. Gave her NO analgesia but her ordinary dose of methadone (all methadone does is keep you sane, there's no drowsiness, certainly no high). As the snake's mouth started biting through stomach to pancreas she nearly hit the ceiling, only to be "assaulted" (held down).
"I've had a lot of experiences in my life and I'll never, ever forget this one," she seethed.
I tried not to rub it in but I was angry just listening. Anaesthetists specialize in the effects of various knock-out drops on individuals. Absolutely basic to their study is that opiates build tolerance in habituated "patients". In certain individuals with 20 year ++ habits, that tolerance can be sky high ...

Well I won't go on. I have to go to Iceland to obtain strawberry flavour ice cream cones, 6 for £1, if they've not sold out ...

My new house smells of my own piri piri hotpot cooking, by the way...

I'm not sure I'll be able to reply to messages till after the long weekend, but will try my best...

Have a charming weekend, y'all ...


Akelamalu said...

I'm pleased to hear your new place is as nice as your present one Gleds. Did they tell you why you have to move?

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Glad your fears about being short changed by the move was unfounded and that you seem to have gotten better digs. Hope the move goes well. It is great to get such a positive boost in time for Summer.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Glad your new place is nice, Gleddy!

Hope the move goes well.

Best regards,


Baino said...

Hey congrats. It's a hassle having to move so often though. Maybe you can stay at the new place for a little longer. Very sorry to hear about your friend and I don't care what sort of resistance you have as addicts, you deserve the same care as anyone else. Barbaric!

Nicole said...

My heart just sank when I read that you had to move again!!!!

But then I kept reading and now I'm happy! Really glad the new place is even better! Well deserved Gled :)

Vincent said...

Mate, I am glad you got a nice place again. That was a bit of a shocker. You took three hits eh? Bloody hell mate, that can't be good. Enough for the next two weeks I'd say! Bless your mom for helping you out moving.

I kind of know what mother Hubbard is going through because I was with Nicole when she went through a case of necro-pancreatitus. I have never seen anybody in more pain.

I hope your move will go smoothly and that it will have a positive influence on your life :-)

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: no, but I assumed they were just being inconvenient bastards!! maybe I was wrong. They don't own most of the houses they let out this way, just agent them...

LoneGrey: yes and I even get a bay window I can sit in pretentiously reading books...

SB: ta!

Baino: thanks I hope it lasts longer too (so long as the house turns out good). Yes they could have used ketamine, benzodiazepines or barbiturates or a coctail. What they did absolutely stinks and it's rank amateurism. If a street junkie with no education knows that is wrong, what excuse has a trained anaesthetist?

Nicole: yes and I even get a proper living room with real live armchairs (they jump about on their legs and smile...)

Vincent: yes I remember her telling me on the Gabbly, but had forgotten what it was for. So basically they conned her about the pain relief? They never give it to anyone in that circumstance and thought giving methadone would fob her off (a glaring misunderstanding of junkie psychology) :-<...

Dean Niarchos said...

Thank God the place is decent, and you have family ready and able to help! Good luck this weekend.

M- Filer said...

OOOOPS! Signed in above with my work blog , my cover is blown!!!!!!! Anyone want to buy a horse property?


Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope you are moved into
the new place and I am glad it is a nice place with some improvements and
I hope you won't have to move again.
I am glad your Mum can help move you.
Your cooking sounds great- I love dumplings.
Thanks for your comments and Jeanette , Pauline and I had a great afternoon together. It has got quite chilly here around O or -3 CC which
is around 26 to 30F overnight
but the days have been good 60 ish
We had snow on the mountains and the snow season started early this year. I hope Mother Hubbard is OK
and I am so sorry they treated her so badly. Take great care, my friend. With best wishes, Merle.

Whitenoise said...

Glad to hear that the new place is okay. But- 3 hits... how's that NA going? ;-(



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood