HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My Methadone Is Going Up So I Have To Behave Myself

OR... I COULD HAVE PHRASED THAT: my methadone is going up and I'm giving up gear but things with Maple Syrup, my drugs worker, tend to be confrontational so I'll keep them as they are.

I even have to have an ECG because my daily dose will be so high. Now I've gone over 100mg, so theoretically I have no excuse not to "use on top".

As we all know by now, theoretics mean very little to the incorrigible junkie... so let's see what happens ...

I have to come off gear to get to beloved Berlin. Bear this in mind.

Apart from that, I'm saying nothing ...


Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ Just catching up on your posts and things are really
happening. First Happy 38th Birthday
and I am so glad your Mum bought you a present. I will be 75 on Sunday
so my sons are taking me out for lunch with some of their families.
I am sorry that you lost another of your robos. Do they only have a
short lifespan, maybe?
Good luck with your move to Germany and I hope you find it to your liking
It should be a help in giving up the heroin. I wish you all the best
and for the rest of your life.
Take great care, REgards, Merle.

Syd said...

It sounds hopeful. If Berlin is your dream, go for it. Take care of yourself.

Akelamalu said...

This is encouraging news Gleds! :)

Keep your dream and realise it. x

Gledwood said...

Merle: happy 75th!

Syd: it is my dream for now. Much as anything, I wanna see what the place is like

Akelamalu: I shall. But it's seeming ever more complicated by the day...

Jeannie said...

Keep your dream in front of you then. I'm sure getting clean will be worth it!

molson said...

Beer is my methadone. For that, Berlin could be my Valhalla. Fortunately there are Holy Houses of Hops and Barley to worship at right here in the States. Many of my favorites can be found in the Pika Kingdom known as Colorado. I'm not talking about Coors here, but still, I may have to make a pilgrimage to the Domain of Arminius for some frosty paralyzing liquid gold. Ahhhhh!

Baino said...

Go for it Gleds. Wishing you all the best of British with the Methodone and don't give up on Maple Syrup just yet. I've never been to Berlin, my daughter has and just loved it. Very trendy and arty apparently. At least now you have a goal so go for Gold! Cheers mate!

Puss-in-Boots said...

When I read the title to your post, I wondered where the methadone was going up to...sorry, couldn't resist that one.

Seriously, Gleds, I hope it does the trick and that you fulfil your wish to live in Berlin. Don't stop blogging though, will you? BTW, happy birthday. I missed that particular post.

Vincent said...

I'm confused. You write "so theoretically I have no excuse not to "use on top"" but don't you mean "so theoretically I have no excuse to "use on top""?

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: I have to clean up before I go otherwise I would be at too much risk. Plus i would hate to be tied to methadone in a foreign country

Molson: my favourite beer is Czech: Staaropraaromen (or however spelt)

Baino: Maple Syrup is cleverer than she looks. I have to hand her that ...

Pussinboots: oh no I won't stop blogging. If anything I will just open one with pretentious German days of the week ...

Vincent: what I meant was theoretics mean nothing to me. Never since I was a raving smackhead have they affected my behaviour (except to pull me back to using) so there's little point using logic to reason it will make me stop, except as an extra spur to my own Will ...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Gledwood,

When travelling you can take methadone Within europe you can travel with 500ml and not have to justify that. Any more and you will need a medical note explaining it. This is very easy to get.. it's not something that is refused.

I say thi not to discourage cutting down (or anything likethat) but to let you know that your dream is still achieveable whilst on juice.

Your right about the theory. Everyone says once your on over 80mls a day it acts as an opiate blocker and one canno longer feel the effects of herion: BOLLOCKS! I've been on 150ml a day, and still used on top, and still got the desired effect. The only time I do otice an effect i if I se withiun the first 3 or 4 hours of drinking my meth. But as we know, it's not science and eeryone behaves differently.

Hope you manage to stick toyour guns andnot use.. I only ever want whats best for the individual. Whatever you decide, i'll still be reading and still be commentating.

Hope your Germans going well... it's a pity your not coming to France, we could have met up.

take care Gledwood & we'll speak mor soon. All my best, Shane.

Gledwood said...

thanks for that ;->...

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


I just replied to your comment over at mine.

I also meant to add in my comment here, that if you do come to frnce (Lyon) you're welcome to stay at mine. I know we only know each other through the blog, but I feel safe enough to make tht offer. Also, juice would be no prob if anything bizarre happened with yours. It'd also mean a very cheap holiday.

Just letting you know that. Shane.

Gledwood said...

Eh bien: MERCI BEAUCOUP! Thank you very much I will bear that in mind ;->....

Cathy said...

140 mgs across the pond here, a gradual build-up over 30 yrs - all clean-time. Clean only because of that build-up. If it didn't hold me I would never have stayed this clean this long - family says "You're still an addict" True. I say "But I'm not stealing your freeking silverware anymore am I" and I have this damn paralegal sheepskin, another for lab tech, another for coroner's ass't, blah blah. Couldn't do it on just willpower, this is 1960's smack we're yakking about, like 15% pure nothing but Italian baby lax to cut it. Harder habit to break. Oh where are my manners, I found you thru Shane's place linking here and there. Hope you never take anyone's advice, man. Just accept all the love and support. (Hey that was advice wasn't it lol) Much luck.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood