HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Bashful/Itchy Postmortem {+French Pop}

BASHFUL still hasn't been buried. If my calculations are correct she lived to either 2 or 3 (time marches on!) I just don't remember... Roborovski hamsters are said to live slightly longer on average than ordinary hamsters, who will do 2 years standard, 3 if they're very lucky 3.5 extraordinarily. In exceptional cases Spherical and her ilk could (so I'm told) live past 4.

By the way I just found out Itchy probably died of cancer. After she was dead I noticed a weird black lump apparently sticking out of her belly. Because it appeared to be furry I assumed it was mould and buried her quickly.

Now from examining Bashful's dead body I can see they actually have very short black underfur and this would have been left after the lump eroded her top coat. No wonder she died so suddenly. There was practically nothing left of her body. She was like a dead hummingbird.

2 other things I noted about Bashful. 1: her teeth were worn extremely short, which is a good sign as captive rodents sometimes have to be clipped, for lack of nibbling opportunity. & 2: her back legs are extremely long ~ nearly one inch long on an animal with a total body length of two inches. No wonder she ran so quickly!

Spherical Carrotnose is alive and well and hoping to live to four!

Desireless: Voyage Voyage

Very rare for a record from across la manche to chart here. But this one, made top 10...

This is 80s French synth pop at its best. I like her voice:




This is what the words mean in English:

Above the ancient volcanoes,
Wings gliding through the ruffling flags of the wind,
Voyage, voyage,
Eternally.
From clouds in swamps,
From the Spanish wind to the equatorial rain,
Voyage, voyage,
Fly in the highlands
Above the capitals,
Look upon the ocean…

Voyage, voyage
Farther than night and day, (voyage, voyage)
Voyage (voyage)
In the incredible feelings of love.
Voyage, voyage
Upon the holy water of an Indian river, (voyage voyage)
Voyage (voyage)
And never come back.

On the Ganges or the Amazon,
With Blacks, with Sikhs, with Asians
Voyage, voyage
In the whole kingdom.
Upon the dunes of the Sahara,
From the Islands of Fiji to Fujiyama,
Voyage, voyage,
Don’t stop.
Above the barbed wire fences,
Stricken hearts
Look upon the ocean.

Voyage, voyage
Farther than night and day, (voyage, voyage)
Voyage (voyage)
In the incredible feelings of love.
Voyage, voyage
Upon the holy water of an Indian river, (voyage voyage)
Voyage (voyage)
And never come back.

Above the capitals,
Deathly ideas
Look upon the ocean.

Voyage, voyage
Farther than night and day, (voyage, voyage)
Voyage (voyage)
In the incredible feelings of love.
Voyage, voyage
Upon the holy water of an Indian river, (voyage voyage)
Voyage (voyage)
And never come back.


Hey I can't believe I found this; here's a Gregorian Chants version of the above complete with Arthurian Knights of the Round Table video...
This kinda sums up all I find dodgy and delightful about France, their whimsical emotionality.
Don't write this version off until you hear the girl singer come in around 1min19...
PS NB the little scuttling mouse on the Round Table



And last this housed-up version. I don't like it as much. The singer's voice lacks the original's "primal" quality...

12 comments:

Whitenoise said...

Hey Gled, sorry to hear about the hamsters.

About Berlin... by all means, visit. But, dude... no matter how hard you try- you can't run away from yourself...

Syd said...

I hope that Bashful gets a good burial. Maybe near Itchy. Such cute little ones. Interesting about their life span.

Baino said...

I don't think I could have a pet with such a short life span. Even dogs don't live long enough for my liking! Mine's 7 and already getting grey hairs around her muzzle, it's sad to watch her age so quickly.

Gledwood said...

Whitenoise: yeah I'm well aware of that, which is why I'm at pains not to make it sound like I believe it's some kinda promised land because I don't see it that way at all. The idea actually came to me as the only alternative I could think of to suicide ...

Syd: very short

Baino: I know. But the short lifespan does have some practical advantages, e.g. if you are on a foreign work placement. Or something.... I can't really think of many other +s

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Oh dude, so sorry about your little furry friends.

Maybe going to Berlin might serve as a catalyst for real change in your life. Whatever you do, please don't consider suicide. That would be a real shame.

Keep on truckin my friend :)

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Here's an idea that might work...
Come to Canada and we'll fly you way up to Hudson's Bay where you can't find a dealer for miles. We'll leave you up there till you heal and then release you. If I win the 49 mill, you've got a ticket :)

Jeannie said...

Surely Aunt Reeny's not serious! The blackflies would eat you alive - I don't think you could deal with withdrawal AND that!

Don't give up. Suicide might seem like a way out but really, once you go through the hell and come out the other side, I think life will be better.

Are there no facilities that will help you detox for a few weeks?

Puss-in-Boots said...

How many hammies do you have left now, Gleds? Itchy and Bashful must have been roughly the same age as they died only a little while apart. One thing about cats is that you don't have to replace them so often unless some trauma befalls them, as happened with my Oscar.

Hope all is well with you and that the higher methadone dose is having the desired effect.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Maybe the black flies would serve as a distraction from heroin....not such a bad idea after all huh?

Gledwood said...

Reeny: black flies? are they a local delicacy/pest? I would consider going to Baffin Island/where you said/somewhere else just to get clean. But I couldn't trust myself not to strip off and freeze self to death in icy wastes in a moment of despair. Hey but at least I'd die somewhere picturesque ..!

Jeannie: I'm gonna give it one last try doing it on my own then would consider going to rehab. Why I can't go to a facility in Germany when we're in the supposedly united EU is beyond me. I think even Scottish Highlands were out of the question...

Pussinboots: one ~ Spherical. I always suspected she might be their Mum as she was so much bigger. Now I realize they were "runts" hence the early death. But when you look up "roborovski", Spherical looks just like the ones in the pictures

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Black flies are THE WORST, i swear they have teeth coz when they bite you they remove flesh. The are also relentless tormentors. Sorry about the spelling had too much white wine last night and am now clock watching hoping that this day will be over soon so i can crawl under a blanket and feel sorry for myself.

Bimbimbie said...

Great find that Gregorian Chants video Gleds. I do love a bit of whimsical emotionality and who knew King Arthur had a pet mouse ;)

Did you see/hear Estonia's entry for the Euro song contest ... something about nomads crossing a desert aparantly. I thought it quite classy and it should have won or at least come 2nd*!*

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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