HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Brand New Gremlinerry/etc...

I CLEANED OUT MY GREMLINS INTO A BRAND NEW GREMLINERRY. No more scabby old urine-filled Maltesers tube. Now their quivering pink noses poke out of their granary box and they wouldn't urinate in there on top of their "hamstered" seeds. "Hamster" means in German a "hoarder" which is of course what they do. It always annoys me in some of the hammy books I've perused when they talk about "over-feeding". You cannot over-feed a hamster because anything you give it, it naturally hides in a corner for later. To give less than that is cruelty. And if your hammy's getting over-tubby the cause is wrong food, not too much of it. Of course hamsters of all types will eat almost anything you put before them. Their natural diet is based on grains and seeds with a bit of greenery. But just like human beings they adore cooked meats and greasy foods of all kinds... and luuuurve chocolate. (In the wild all hamsters feast on insects and spiders when they can get them, they also eat carrion i.e. pick the bones from carcases larger animals have caught. My old Campbells Russian hamster used to climb the bars when I brought home fried chicken, he loved picking the bones so much... The key is not to deprive them of these foods but to feed in strict moderation bearing in mind the size of the animal. E.g. a raisin-sized blob of chocolate twice a week does no harm. Chunks and chunks of it probably will do. People can be so thick though. I once saw a case on Rolf Harris' Animal Hospital of a tubby Syrian hamster (you know, the normal gynormous guinea-pig kind - not an egg-sized roborovski like mine...) who had fur like a bad case of taxidermi plus two snaggled twisting fangs poking out of its mouth so badly it could no longer close it. "And what do you feed him?" enquired the veterinary "surgeon".
"Aw!" exclaimed the tubby red-faced toby-jug owner proudly. "'E eats naffink but good old English breakfast: ya know - fried eggs, bacon, sausages, 'ash browns an' fried mushrooms. Awww! 'E loves 'is fried mushrooms!"
So the poor vet had to explained that "rodent" means "nibbler" and if rodents don't get enough hard nibbles their constantly-growing teeth will overshoot their tiny jaws and turn into snaggling rootlike nosferatu monstrosities... Then he expressed surprise that the hamster was still alive after a year of such an unwholesome diet and advised the owner to cut out the fry-ups and purchase a bag of simple hamster mix.
Poor swine! He had to have his teeth clipped without anaesthetic. Hamsters (aparently) don't have nerves in their teeth (as I said they're constantly growing anyway and would naturally constantly be wearing down).
Some people are thick as pigs' doings, aren't they?

I've found a really entertaining Video of the Day:
It's French and Saunders: Whatever Happened to Baby Dawn
Very sinister. Very scarey!


Now I have to run. I've beef sausages to buy (not ukky pork - eurghkhhhkkkchkdslf!)
And forms to fill in that I told the DSS I'd sent back last week.
If they cut my money off I can always commit suicide....
And my friend Dodge's Dad has died... Dodge being Mother Hubbard's "old man" as we say...
His dad was over 90 years old, had a stroke at the weekend... it's all very sad. I couldn't face him this morning, so I'm off to buy a card first.

Take care everyone!

***

8:51pm

The Archbishop of Canterbury, a learned man who is also, so it seems, a complete sap, has suggested that the age of criminal responsibility in England should be raised from 10 to 16.

Because of this, I've just endured a teeth-gnashingly bad programme, full of BBC liberals called "The Moral Maze" on the topic of "should children be held criminally responsible for their actions?" My own view is: yes; however I think it's ridiculous that the police are now called into schools when in former years the school would just sort out the wicked kids with a sound spanking. Today's (British) children are so badly behaved they are frightening. Americans run back home from London thankful that their own country, awash with guns and violence as it is, still doesn't have children as obnoxious as ours.

Very recently on the news a case came up of a child who had deliberately set fire to a house and burned it down... some idiot came on and tried to claim that at 10 years old (or possibly younger: I can't recall the exact age) a child could not comprehend the consequences of its match-tossing actions.

What has changed over the years? I knew very well aged SIX that matches could burn a house down. I also understood at that age that knives could and did kill and that death was final.

And these people, blinded perhaps by their own stupidity or a training in social work or psychiatry come on and argue that ten year olds cannot comprehend the future consequences of evil actions?

Naughty children love grown-ups like those.

I just wish the ordinary two dragon ladies who populate that radio show had been there to give what-for to the wishywashy dogooders who came on to suggest children don't understand good and evil (so they don't understand Harry Potter books? Or Enid Blyton? Or almost any Hollywood film?) Doesn't almost all fictional entertainment deal with the conflicts of good and evil? And wouldn't such entertainment become almost meaningless to someone without such elementary moral understanding?

Aaargh!

What kind of people are RUNNING this planet of ours...?

Let me out of here before I really do scream....

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't think I have ever encountered another person with a passion for hamsters quite like yours. Have to admit, the furry beasts are pretty f'n cute...

PS: Sorry to hear about your friend's Dad.

- Eileen

Naomi Joy said...

whenever i read your blog I always want to go get a hamster!

Gledwood said...

Eileen: I'm going to see my friend tomorrow morning with card. I think he is OK - well as OK as you can be, bc he knew what was coming. Still pretty sad though...

Hamsters are the best pet... like tropical fish except without the inconvenience of all that water. Plus you can have them rambling around on the carpets...

Naomi: bloody well get some then. Not just one. But some. Dwarf ones. They are like furry round hens' eggs running about then jumping on a wheel and the smallest one goes looping the loop as the tubbiest thunders determinedly ever onwards...

AnnieElf said...

Hi Glenwood. Thanks for visiting my blog today. I love Annie's blog (Bimbimie) and go there most days to see what new and fun things are happening in her backyard.

Our magpies are definitely the smaller variety like yours and also are not so extensive with their white markings.

The windmill is at the Altamont Pass which is about 40 minutes from my town. Cars pass through the Altamont when they are driving from the valley into the Bay Area and San Francisco/Oakland/San Jose, etc. Big wind farm with hundreds of windmills. Pretty impressive site as one drives through.

All my best,
Annie

Gledwood said...

Ooer Altamont I think I've heard of there... isn't that where the Hell's Angels went berzerk at a Rolling Stones gig?

They have windfarms like that near where my Dad lives in Wales...

Huge sinister alien-like things!!

Thanks for getting in touch!

I've seen you loads of times at Bimbimbie's

Anonymous said...

My Dad died last year of horrible, terrible cancer. It was a long, slow drawn out death that ended his life with a 2 month hospital stay of which a month was spent in total dementia (brain cancer). I was there the entire time with him and take it from me, it doesn't matter how, when or where but when a parent dies a part of you goes along with them. I was just sitting here at work and his favorite song came on, hence this comment...

Over and Out.

-Eileen

Bimbimbie said...

Some of those Rolf Harris pet clinic shows have been shown on our tv. I always shuddered at some of those poor pets who looked like they were being loved to death. Fried English breakfast .... just what every wild hamster sits down to each morning *!*

....I see you and annieelf have met, you will enjoy her writings.

Gledwood said...

Eileen: I'm so sorry what a horrible experience to go through; I'm glad it didn't drag on any longer than that... Take care xx

Bimbimbie: fried English breakfast for hamsters? Yes I know. Hey you missed my "moral maze" rant by about a minute (perhaps you had a narrow escape!)!

Anonymous said...

its' an imoral world dude

Bimbimbie said...

.... take a bow, I'm applauding your moral maze comments! Yes, total agreement with you. All those books we read as kids were full of what would happen to the naughty children, nothing nice. Being unruly at school would have the teacher throw something at you or the deputy head would make good use of the table tennis bat ..... every kid knew there would be consequences for their actions and kids learn quickly. They learn how to manipulate wishy washy parenting. Recently one of our local radio ladies was saying she believed the traditional fairy tale books were too frightening for little children .... I turned her off!

molson said...

I can recall seeing an interview where a very astute woman said something to the effect of if you want the children to grow-up right..."You gotta whoop that tail."

...When they get out of line of course. She clapped her hands together to emphasize every word. I wish I could remember the entire exact quote. I have my moments of brain fog too you know.

M- Filer said...

I think ten year olds may well be able to comprehend the consequences of their actions, I don't however believe that most children have a conscience. Geeze, I guess I am just speaking for myself, because when I was growing up, I ONLY cared about consequences. My actions had nothing to do with a sense of right or wrong, but rather, the likely hood of getting caught. Later my conscience began to form and my actions were molded more from this development, than from any fear I might have from the consequences of bad behaviour.

No responsibility until 16! That's my vote.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Hi gleds,
My, you really getting to be a hamster expert. They are strange and wonderful. cheers.

Liz said...

Lucky hammies! I love the thought of one climbing the bars to get at KFC.

Hope Dodge is ok.

Of course a 10 year old knows what matches do! And they know right from wrong - or they should do. Even if they don't care. Well said young man: you should go into politics!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Well done giving the hammies a new home. The bonfires and fireworks sounded like fun. Of course 10 year olds know right from wrong and should take the consequences of their actions.
I hope your friend Dodge is OK. As you say, it was expected, but it's still hard.
And NO, definitely NO I do not clean up before the Home Care lady comes. Take care,
I hope the solicitor can help you. Regards, Merle.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I agree about the little monsters a lot of today's kids are, but don't get me started...

Sorry to hear about Mother Hubs' father in law, but 90's a pretty good age.

Thank you for linking my story about the cicada. They're harmless, the most damage they'll do is to the garden. As for their noise, I think it is made by them doing something with their wings, but don't quote me on that. And their noise is not like the normal cicada sound, it's very high pitched, electronic sounding and if there are lots of them as there are here, it actually hurts your ears.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: the kids in this country are morally desolate these days... on a cultural level the urban kids seem to be identifying with Jamaican and American stars of R&B, rap etc and their "attitudes" (you know, demanding respect without being respectful first) so there's a racial/cultural aspect as well... this makes the issue even thornier and of course no-one has the courage to even hint at THAT on the BBC!

Molson: if it comes back to you then tell me... kids are afraid of nothing these days bc they have amoral protectors in high places, you could say!

M-filer: only cared about consequences that was well put... I think they only misbehave today because the "consequences" they see are 1. wound-up parents 2. increased respect among peer group 3. insignificant punishment involving lots of attention being paid to one's feelings yet no deterrant aspect... I dunno... or something like that

Gledwood said...

LoneGrey: they are extremely entertaining... still as entertaining today as the day I got them ... definite £22.50's worth!

Liz: actually I had this daydream of going into politics but I wouldn't know what party to join? Leftwing Tory or rightwing Labour? I would probably go to Labour as I only want a London constituency (no way would I be willing to be exported up to some coal mining community to "pretend" to be one of them... that stuff is stupid. I mean Tony Blair's constituency's well up north and yet he resided in ISLINGTON North London how does THAT wash???

Merle: the cleaning up was only a joke - I've seen it happen so often though!

Puss-in-Boots: sounds like you've a noisy night-garden then haha!

Nicole said...

Your beef sausage tale made me think of something funny the day before yesterday. I was ordering a burger and asked the girl at the counter if I could have it with cheese and bacon. She looked at me a bit odd, then called her manager, then whispered to him, then he whispered back and then she said "sorry, we don't have bacon". I forgot that bacon is a dirty word in Muslim Malaysia! But to be honest, I didn't actually want pig bacon, they have a very good beef or turkey bacon here. She must have thought I was really ignorant. I tried to explain to her about the beef and turkey bacon but she wasn't really understanding me. Vincent and I were having a good laugh about it at breakfast again this morning, we wondered where the beef-bacon comes from and I said: from beef-pigs of course!

Gledwood said...

Nicole: I know it's a shame ... you get those ignorant people the entire world over... know what I mean...??!??

zennist said...

Absolutely *fascinating* hamster info!

zatii hidzir ^_^ said...

thanx for visiting my blog. i used to have hamster b4, but then they ran away,

so never thinking to have one now cos it's need a commitment to have one, aite??

btw, thanx again!

p.s : u got a adorable hamster.. ^_^

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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