HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

O What a Miserable Post Below!

O WHAT A MISERABLE POST BELOW! (Not this one. I mean the last one.) Writing my life story is 1. depressingly unweildy. Because it's not THAT easy to pack everything into a succinctly told tale. And publishers much prefer succinct to longwinded. Long is OK. Longwinded is not. Of course I can just tell each event as it happens in order but I'm trying not to be too "episodic". It's my responsibility as a writer to draw comparisons, conclusions etc; to weave the threads of my life together. As I've mentioned previously I'm often accused of "thinking too much"/etc but this isn't strictly true. I've often been guilty of simply not considering vital factors in advance e.g. "what will I do with my life, where will I live, who do I want to be with after I detox" before going into rehab (as I have done and didn't do...) 2. writing my lifestory throws up a whole load of sediment. Some of that sediment you can read below. It may seem disturbingly in the present tense but the time I'm writing of is about 14 years ago when I was living in Norwich. I always think that by objectifying my own experiences e.g. on this blog. Writing about them quite blithely sometimes it thwarts the power of silence they might otherwise hold over me. The big point of writing this book of mine was that I hoped the book and the process of writing would change my life. Mark a turning point. Put a lid on the past. And mark a point of no-return. I.e. that I could move on, and might never need to go back ever again.

And yes! Baby Itchy Robo did indeed jump down and scuttle off under my bed (where the wild things are...) Took over 15 mins to get her back, in which time of course I despaired of ever seeing her again. She is so tiny and pingy. And unlike ordinary hamsters, who are quite fierce as rodents go, at least when riled, robos are very very rarely agressive. Far more wriggly than bitey when it comes to people. Though Bashful still bites me and runs off - the swine!

I've been using my new phone. It is the very cheapest one you can find in Argos. At the weekend it was £12.50. Now it's gone up to £14.99. It looks like a drinks coaster to me. Sagem My-x 220. Or something like that. (Sagem my220x and I know they're not the best make!) So miniaturized I had real troubles handling the battery, inserting the sim, putting it together to start with...

I unblocked my sink yesterday as it was clogged with pasta-starch. Well that's what I think it was.

Well I hope this is slightly less depressing than the last outsplurging

;->...

take care everyone

G
x
x


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Amazing American snow pictures... Mt Willey etc
at
http://ep4000footers.blogspot.com

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Wonderful South American Spanish Festival Photos!

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What a wonderful house!

Amazing Pictures of Paraguay Taken on an Exceedingly Grey Day!

Amazing Greek Bird Pictures!

16 comments:

molson said...

Your previous post did contain some heavy stuff Gledwood. But as you said, you have a story to tell... your story. I have no doubt your book will be a good read even with all the heavy stuff. I've been feeling rather depressed myself. It would be easy to blame my down mood on the holidays, but there is far more to it than that. As hard as this may be to believe, I feel somewhat better after reading your rather dreary post. Not that I am revelling in all that has gone wrong for you. No it's more that I really could have it worse than I do now. If someone told me that to cheer me up, it would fail miserably, but in the context of your story, the words "it could be worse" do have meaning. There is also the fact that for all the sad days I've lived through, there have been many happy ones too. I'm certain you've had some happy times as well and I'm hoping you will have many more. Now I really would feel better if I could walk up a big mountain probably because I'd be too tired to worry about anything else afterwards. Too bad for me the nearest big mountain is over 1000 miles away. I'll have to work on it. Maybe I could ride my bike to Colorado? It's a lot closer than going to the moon. ;-)

Good job on recovering Baby Itchy... the naughty little swine. Now that is something to be happy about.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I have been seriously depressed so to some degree i can understand what you are saying. I did come to a point where I wished I had never been born. Perhaps I was too much of a coward to consider suicide - although I surrounded myself with songs and poems on that topic.

I am so glad to have beaten depression which I think is the hardest thing to do in life. For me, I did it with God's help.

Gleds, I think you should give yourself some credit for having beaten depression. Many never ever do. And if you can focus on how you did that, it will help you with other challenges too ..... like your book or finally kicking your dependencies.

I just wish you well. Never feel alone in your struggle. Even if we don't fully understand, many of your readers care about you and would help in any way we could ...even if that's just listening or reading.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Hey, writing helps. xx

Deb said...

I haven't read the previous post(s) yet, so can't comment on the one you're referring to.

How did you unclog your sink? Plunger? Chemicals. I ask because my sink is draining very slow. I've poked, prodded and dumped drano & bleach in. Nothing's helping. It's my bathroom sink - I think it's a hair clog. But plumber's are too damn expensive at $800/hour or whatever they charge now.

So, what was your secret remedy?

I only have a minute, as I'm dead tired (it's after 2 am here - I'm watching poker as I can't sleep). I have to work at 9 so I better go try harder.

Miss you lately gleds. Things will get back to normal soon (and I'll spend more time "visiting"). Hopefully, back tomorrow after work.

xo

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds ... I'm sorry you were feeling so lowly down on the weekend.
Your posts can be challenging to read sometimes but I admire how you speak from the heart and am willing some sunshine to come your way soon. Keep that pen busy, you have a way with words. Don't rush things, let your talent form your book. Hugs *!*

lime said...

hoping today is looking brighter than when you did the previous post.

also rather than post the answer to the meme i will let youknow here. i know you are a recent reader of my blog but i have explained it there a few times, hence not wanting to make a whoel post out of it again. maybe i shoudl stick it in my sidebar,....but i digress..

anyway...to lime: trinidadian slang meaning to hang around with friends. generally involves food. could take place anywhere. could be informal and impropmtu or could be a big party. anyway. they coined the term from seeing brit sailors in port just lollygagging about. brit sailors being called 'limeys' since they ate limes to prevent scurvy.

me? when i first came online i spent a lot of time in chat rooms with the name loves_to_lime. when i started my blog it was at the same time other chatters i knew were starting so i stuck with a variation of my online name.

Gledwood said...

Molson: It's really hard working through all that I've done trying to thread the story through it (rather than merely recording a series of drug mishaps and depressed experiences) I'm trying to tell a cogent tale of downfall ... redemption has not yet happened... maybe that will have to wait for volume II ...
Thanks for your remarks I understand what you mean

Lone Grey Squirrel: That's true to an extent I have beaten depression even though I still get down. It doesn't have the same power over me that it used to (somehow...)

Vi Vi Voom!!: true!!

Gledwood said...

Debs: I unblocked the sink using Citric Acid crystals... these are a junky thing to dissolve the heroin but they also dissolve clouds/lumps/blockages in all sorts of things... it's sold e.g. for home wine makers as it clarifies cloudy wine...

If you mix citric acid with sodium bicarb it really froths and foams up and that unblocks drains marvellously! Probably as well as the soda crystal equivalent you'd be pointed to at a hardware store...

Bimbimbie: challenging to read... challenging to write too. But I have to get used to my own "candour" ...

Lime: a-HA! I see now!!! ;->...

Gledwood said...

Of course I'm a limey and I lurve limes (far more than lemons though they're (rather mysteriously) far less juicy...)

Whitenoise said...

Hmmm... would like to offer you more than platitudes, but can't seem to think of anything to say other than the facts: you'll be okay, you have an interesting story to tell, you have it in you to do great things.

Cheers up, buddy!

Gledwood said...

;->...

zennist said...

Yes, writing about one's life is very heavy stuff, indeed. I write about it in order to figure out how I got from there to here. Still haven't figured it out and maybe I never will. Go slowly, is my advice, so that you don't get overwhelmed by the intensity of your memories.

Take care.

Gledwood said...

I know what you mean... nothing that bad happened you know. I mean no sexual abuse... nothing.

The worst thing was that i NEARLY got snatched by a paedophile! But that DIDN't happen...

Ranzinza said...

Gledwood cá estou retribuindo sua visita. Pena que meu inglês seja muito ruim para poder escrever aqui.
Gostei de seu blog, principalmente aquele com episódios de Absolutely Fabulous que eu curtia muito ver aqui no Brasil.
Abraços e espero vê-lo mais vezes por aqui no Nêmesis.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood