HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, November 12, 2007

I'm Back!

HAVING SEEMINGLY SPENT MOST OF THE WEEKEND IN BED... sleeping a lot and sweating heavily... I got up at long last this morning stinking to high heaven and had to leave the house like this and bus to Mother Hubbard's house (I got lots of space to read the paper, which was great!) Turned up and even she, who seems to be the most forgiving person, noted I was really dirty. I felt dirty and disgusting. All I wanted to do was change clothes and jump in shower. There IS no shower at mine and even if there was it'd be broken. No plug for the bath still... except haHA! I FOUND one. Turns out the Evil Gnome who lives on the story below me had APPROPRIATED SAID PLUG FOR HIMSELF. In other words STOLEN IT FROM THE REST OF US. But last week he made a fatal wrong move and left it behind after one of his morning splasharounds. Also every morning he does an enormous turd the girth of a flower pot. I can't help querying how such an enormous "log" can pass from such a tiny person (I call him the gnome because he is so small - if he ever gets unemployed he could get a job in Disneyland wearing a red pointy hat and fishing in pools of lucky coins - he has that look down to a T). Anyway he leaves this disgusting enormous turd every morning first thing and NEVER flushes it. Also he has taken to leaving blood by the door ... in precisely the same place ... every day. Matran was right-on when he told me it's nothing to do with the gnome bleeding. It's everything to do with a silly little game he is playing with the rest of us. This Gnome is an objectionable character. If you were locked outside he would never let you in. He has never once let me in on the 2 or 3 occasions I've been locked out; though I'm sure he was in. Neither has he let in Laundretta on the scores and scores of occasions on which SHE's been locked out. But she just breaks in though... then has the cheek to blame local kids for that! I know exactly what was going on (hasn't happened lately) though I've kept this one up my sleeve. I don't want her to know that I know...

Hmmm... I really don't like my housemates as you can probably tell...

The radio has been winding me up. This lilly-livered government of ours, apologizing for being British almost... what has got into them. It was reported at the weekend that Islamic groups have complained at being targeted in anti-terrorism campaigns, implying the terrorism is all based around their religion. Yes I totally agree with them. Far more attention should be paid to the Buddhist terrorists and the Hindu terrorists who have bombed the London tube... know what I mean?

I rearranged my roborovskery as I was bedridden and ill and required entertainment. Every time I got bored I would rock their teahouse and say "Come out you Pink Noses! Come out!" and two or three curious pink noses duly appeared at the chewed out entrance. I took all three out for a ping in the bath the other day. The bath was totally devoid of water, I might add. O! They were so funny, shooting up and down, trying to scrabble up the nontaps end, etc etc... Bashful and Spherical both made loud squeaks of protest when I tried to pick them up... Then they were back in their tank and pinging for ages. Finally when they calmed down I spotted all three sat in a row nibbling the same crust of tomato bread: they looked so entertaining. Then Bashful at the end started scratching. Then Spherical took up scratching too. Poor Baby Itchy had been so intensively groomed by the both of them her "hair" on the head was sopping wet in spikey clumps... like a teenage boy's with hair gel. She looked really funny...

Well I've got clean clothes on and I actually got out of bed today. I know it was only a common cold but it made me feel pretty slaughtered. Maybe this is the old Chronic Fatigue Syndrome traces from years ago...

I've been writing a bit of my memoirs again. Thanks for the comments on those I know I shouldn't think about people laughing at me but I do feel I'm laying myself wide open in writing those. While I've been awfully discreet about other people's lives I've pretty much told everything about mine... which makes me feel kind of weird...

Well it's late. Nearly 8pm and I have to get some pasta and parmezan... cheery-o y'all!

All the best

Gledwood
"Vol 2"...


Videos of the Day
Remembrance/Veterans' Day
Mad World Remembrance: WWI
Sorry these are a day late in a way, but they're still very good and I could not get to a computer yesterday...


Video of the Day 3
King of Spain Tells Venezuela's Chavez to SHUT UP!


***

If you want to watch Vivienne Vyle, episode 2, CLICK HERE...

Did anyone like Vivienne Vyle? Nobody mentioned a word about her...

***

Chinese Takeaway Curry Sauce Recipe
The secret ingredient is Star Anise, apparently.

24 comments:

zennist said...

The Gnome--what a creep! What do you suppose his problem is?

Excuse me for being an ignorant American, but what exactly is a Buddhist terrorist? Being a Buddhist myself, I know that's a contradiction in terms. Who are these people?

Glad you're clean. That always makes the day better. Take care, Gleds.

madgirl said...

Oh dear just wrote and it disappeared. Sorry cannot reply to my blog tonight, but just saying hi and thanks for stopping by. Hope the pasta was good. I am glad you are you Gleds, you're a good egg! I am sick of sad, not glad so may as well be what I have perhaps always been which is mad! Not so sure, perhaps will have a re think.

take care
x

Gledwood said...

Zennist: no NO that was a joke> My point being WHAT other religious terrorists do we have EXCEPT Islamic ones? I can't think of any... Norther Ireland was "Catholic" vs "Protestant" and done in the name of Christianity (that is the true meaning of taking God's name in vain if you ask me)... now that era's over the ONLY terrorism in this country in recent years has ALL been done in the name of Islam so what those people have got all itchy knickers about I really don't understand...

Madgirl: please remember to get back to me on the sleep question too!
Glad I'm a good egg not a rotten egg. Sometimes I call Baby Itchy a "furry boiled egg" when she comes out of a narrow pipe backwards that's exactly what she looks like... really entertaining as well...

Gledwood said...

O... sorry I 4got to answer:: re the Gnome he is just a stuck up perverted GIT!

Alexys Fairfield said...

Gleds,
I can't believe what you have to deal with. Maybe the Gnome should go to the North Pole and work for Father Christmas.

You have to get that bath plug so you can bathe in peace. Cleanilness is next to godliness.

Take care and stay clean.

Gledwood said...

Darling if that's the case I'm definite spawn of the devil and no mistake!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. Been worried about you. The common cold can make you feel really rotten. Bless you, I wish I could come round and make you some soup! The gnome sounds awful. Love your take on terrorists. Glad your hamsters kept you entertained when you were poorly, though - they must love you to bits. Auguri from Sicily.

zen wizard said...

I liked the Vivienne Vyle...

(Dang, we only get the old, sh!tty BritComs over here...except for, "The Office.")

Condolences on the Gnome turds--those can't be that pleasant, olfactorily.

I mean, considering what Gnomes eat--which, I would assume, would involve a lot of rough grains, fiberous material, and...dead stuff under a bridge...

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

I'm soo glad I don't have to live like that anymore! (lived with 11 others in kew, 12 years ago)

jmb said...

Hey Gleds, sorry you've been ill. I hope you pick up soon. I can tell those furry animals are making life brighter and I do love your little cute photo self.

Zhu said...

I find your roommate pretty funny... as long as I don't live with them I guess ;)

I smiled when you said you had enough space in the bus to read the paper. That's how I judge my days: if I have a seat in the bus in the morning and manage to read without someone pushing me, I'll have a great day ! :D

Naomi Joy said...

u have remembrance day in England? The same day as Canada?

lostgirl said...

Hi Gleds

Answered your question on my blog! Why don't you get your own plug from a hardware shop? Or would your friend mother hubbard let you have a bath there every other day? I am so sorry you live with such nasty people. At least you have your babies to entertain you. Thats good! Take care today.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ So sorry you have been sick with a cold and hope you are over the worst of it
by now. I am glad you have
your little friends for company and entertainment.
Your housemates don't sound near as good. Thanks for your comments. Glad you are writing
a bit, keep it up. Best wishes
Merle.

Nicole said...

I am disgusted with this post. Not with the writing itself, just with the horrid content of turds. I am feeling terribly sorry that you have to live in such conditions, with such gross people around.

And I just noticed that my blog might actually qualify for the "Australia" links section now!

Akelamalu said...

The Gnome sounds like an obnoxious little twonk!

Gledwood said...

THANKS FOR THE MESSAGES EVERYONE. I'M STILL SURVIGING THANKS!!!

Gledwood said...

Saudações a você meu amigo falando Português! Eu encontrei seu blog totalmente por acaso e suas fotos capturadas meu olho. Então, eu decidi deixar aqui a minha saudação friendliest para entreter vocês! Venha ao meu blog se quiser! Tenho cinco blogues, mas o principal é chamado http://gledwood2.blogspot.com - que é a minha linha confessionais e secreto caderno. Eu garantia que irá entreter sua cabeça fora! Todo o melhor para você! De Gledwood "Vol. 2" ... ;->...

Gledwood said...

Buen día para usted! Mi amigo habla hispana! ¡Qué magnífico blog en el que tenemos aquí! Sólo quería decir "hola" a usted como yo flotaba en el pasado y que le diga cómo su blog dejado huellas en mi grandes cosas y lo que usted tiene aquí! OK! Todo lo mejor a usted mi amigo español blogs! ¿Sabía usted que los blogs yo también? La principal es llamado http://gledwood2.blogspot.com ... Usted simplemente tiene que venir y echar un vistazo a mi línea confesional y secreto diario! Todo lo mejor para ti! Desde Gledwood "Vol 2" ...

zennist said...

Oh thank god! I was afraid Buddhists had completely lost touch with their ethical standards.

I agree with you regarding Northern Ireland. If only all the God-related fighting could stop.

Thanks for the clarification, Gleds.

Gledwood said...

好日子給你我的傳統華語的朋友!你的照片是真的娛人,這是什麼吸引我,你的博客。我只是想說的話招呼你,而我在這裡說: "到我的博客! http://gledwood2.blogspot.com -有你可以看我的秘密日記,我震驚的自白" !全部所能,為你!從gledwood "Vol 2..." … … ;->...

Gledwood said...

私の日本の良い一日をお友達に言えば!私が見つかりましたブログを、インターネット上で非常にランダムにします。私の日本の良いことではありませんので私はと言えばカンニングを介してgoogleの翻訳!それはどのように私はこれらの言葉を書くことを、日本を今すぐ!ただ言いたかったことをブログには本当に面白いと少しして、友達のように見えるマイケルジャクソン1980年代後半にします。 (しかし、このように優れた方法! )とにかく来て私のブログにする必要があります。私の秘密日記を読むことができますが、オンラインで徹底的に楽しませました。 http://gledwood2.blogspot.comは、その場所に!すぐに私の希望で会いましょう!すべてのベストになります。よりgledwood "フラメンコ特集rtve vol 2 " ;->...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood