HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Too Drunk

NOT TODAY, YOU UNDERSTAND; BUT ON THURSDAY. I was so bored bored bored I had been forgotten by the dealer so I drank drank drank between wending my way back and forth to the phonebox to complain about the time this was taking. Passed out on the hall stairs ~ Laundretta-style ~ for two hours slumped over the Sun newspaper. It was all a mixup between the bossman who answers the phone and the gofer who actually delivers and my brains were done in. Well they were after all that cyder I pickled them in. This all happened between one and four-thirty in the afternoon but I was still unsteady on my feet at nine pm... and to think I'm supposedly stopping drinking!

I'm going back to Cup-a-Soup and tea again, definitely. In fact I was so repentant that at 5am instead of getting alcohol from the cornershop I got Yazoo chocolate shake... I so often stare at that and the Coca Cola longingly as I trot to the tills with my boring beers. I don't actually like the taste of cyder that much you see... well whatever. Being breathalysed (by the drugs clinic) really does not help. Because they're treating me like a child (I know most children don't drink... but you see what I mean...)

When I briefly did psychology some years ago I came across a thing called intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is something like my teadrinking technique. Ie I'm cutting out booze because I really want to and have motivated myself. Extrinsic motivation is something like the clinic putting threats on me. And that sort of motivation really doesn't work on me.

The only funny thing I did after all that drinking was to take my hamsters for a ramble in the (dry) bath and they were especially pingy. Zipping all over the place in true furry Scalectrix fashion! Though I know I mentioned this yesterday...

Righto: it's dark and it's here already so have a cheery weekend folks!

Gxx

Tune of the Day
Madonna: Live to Tell

25 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

Well I'm wishing you plenty of intrinsic motivation Gleds. You might want to swap the Sun newspaper too if it's having you slumping like Laundretta over it's breaking news ;)

Bimbimbie said...

Well I'm wishing you plenty of intrinsic motivation Gleds. You might want to swap the Sun newspaper too if it's having you slumping like Laundretta over it's breaking news ;)

WAT said...

Oh for God's sake! All that drinking son! I'd be soooooooo sick to mee stomach by now! Yes, please keep the intrinsic side on at all times. Thank you.

Great Madge tune by the way, Live to Tell. A #1 hit for her here in the States.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Intrinsic motivation is difficult to maintain sometimes, despite wanting to achieve a goal. Perhaps the purpose of extrinsic motivation is to help you over the times when your faith in yourself waivers ... I hope you can keep your faith through your journey towards your new life. There seems to be a large cheering section for you here!!

Zhu said...

Boy boy... you're smart and you seem to know yourself pretty well - and you know drinking that much won't do any good, don't ya ?!

Okay, I won't moralize you... ;)

Puss-in-Boots said...

I remember that lecture many years ago when I had a brief foray into psychology, too, Gleds. Extrinsic motivation...read threats...cause me to dig my toes in...as it does most people, I suspect.

Anyway, Cup-a-Soup sounds nice, especially if the weather is getting colder. However, I guess it's what it takes, isn't it, Gleds

Take care and I wish you plenty of intrinsic motivation.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, poor Gleds! At least the hammies had fun! How are you today?

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

What, you still use a phonebox? I didn't think those things existed anymore!

Akelamalu said...

You know you're not doing yourself any good Gleds, I do wish you'd stop. I worry about you.

RUTH said...

Don't think extrinsic would work for me either. I hate being TOLD what to do.
Rx

lostgirl said...

Oh poor Gleds

All that booze. Do you think part of the problem is boredom? Are there any free things to do in your part of London? You have talked quite a bit about literature, do you read much still? I know there are no easy answers though. Just do your best day by day. Don't give up on life you are young.

all the best

Emperor Ropi said...

I heard alcohol deteriorates brain cells so be careful.

Audrey said...

Im with the intrinsic motivation Gleds, I know extrinsic wouldnt work for me either. I did do a motivational interviewing course some time ago that went throught the stages of change, by the sounds of it youve reached the most difficult stage, you recognise the problem and the impact on your life, but finding the support you need perhaps to facilitate the change you desire is not yet in front of you, but Im right behind you, willing for it to come...Hope your feeling better and yes stop reading the sun its bad for your health...lol Auds x

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: intrinsic is good as I'm glad you realize... I only slumped due to exdesses of the old alcoholismus!!!

Wat: I know that Live to Tell is one of Madge's all time GREATEST tunes... that's why I saved it till now!! haha ;->...

Kahshe: ;->... aw thankyou so very much for those kindly words of support! Many thnaxxx!!

Zhu: Sometimes I know myself TOO WELL other times I BARELY KNOW MYSELF AT ALL!!!

;->...

Gledwood said...

Pussinboots: You are damn right about digging your toes in I'm glad I'm not the only one. I would rather KILL MY ****ING SELF THAN COMPROMISE LIKE A SAPPY TWATT THEY WANT ME TO BE!!!

Welshcakes: They did have fun... I've not told you the latest greatest scandals though hahaha!!! ;->...

Vivi: I did until TODAY! When I FINALLY got a MOBILE PHONE hahaahaaahargh harrgh haaaargh hhaarararghhkkkkkccchchh!!!

;->...

Akelamalu: Thank you I'm glad someone cares... thank you so much

Gledwood said...

Ruth: good me neither I'm 100% with yuu I will die be4 being emotionally bein' black mailed by those ****s!

Lostgirl:: Darling I hardly read THAT much at all... so sorry... I really wish i did it is so VULGAR not to tho... proper proportionally vulgaridades de vulgaridades... POIOSN - THEY OUHT TO HAVE REPROMENDAS !!!

Ropi: i KNOW i'M AS CAZREFUL AS CAN CBE!

Audrey:... that's a v thoughtful comment... many thanxx 4it... ;->...

Bruxia said...

HI!!!

I saw your comment in my blog, and Thank you for taking your time to see my photos and give me your opinion!!
I like your blog.

I´ll hope you like my new photos
:)
Mirella

Naomi Joy said...

About the motivation thing...i agree...if i really want to do something or quit something i will but others trying to force me or what not does not work! It was exactly like that when I quit drinking...people tried to get me to stop and I didn't until I was ready and I wanted to

Gledwood said...

Bruxia: you're welcome I left a message at yours....

Gxx

Naomi: I'm glad you're back... I can't see you as THAT heavy a drinker... ooower... well I'm glad you stopped to your own satisfaction, know what I mean...?

Evil Spock said...

Evil Spock has returned. You can stop drinking now.

raffi said...

wishing you much intrinsic motivation and a great weekend :)

Anonymous said...

This is an exert from katarina's (sleepymaniac) ex-boyfriend's book. He was in your situation (well as close as you can get)...

"I lay on my bed and quietly murdered the day. In the back of my mind was the dim awareness that outside life went on - people falling in love, being born, getting married and dying. Planes landing and taking off, traffic lights turning green, orange and red, oceans ebbing and flowing, sunset and sunrise, full moons and eclipses; the timeless dance went on and on and on as I lay there, out of it but somehow part of it, all in a skag-like synchronicity."

Does it ring a bell? Dude, I hope you can work this thing out. You seem to be bright with loads to offer - I don't know you at all but it seems like such a waste....

-Eileen

zennist said...

I'm worried the possibility of aspirating vomit. I worry about that happening to my step son, too. Please be careful.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood