HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Tubby Hedgehog Pinknosed Robo Crack Compulsion

"COME OUT YOU GREAT BIG FAT PINK NOSES! Come out you tubby gremliny swines!" I cooed into the teabox this afternoon...

I TOOK MY ROBOS FOR A PING in the bath
today as I was drunk and waiting hours for my useless dealer to come. They were so entertaining zipping up and down like furry Scalextrix. I tried to get Bashful and Spherical to walk on my hands but they jumped off every time and ran to the taps side... Itchy was of course the only one who trusted me, because she is tame, and hopped on my hand and was all furry and cute....

... I did manage to scare her the other day, though, by saying "are you a furry morsel?!?" and then threatening to bite her. (I've had chicken nuggets that were bigger than her)... unforuntately she thought I really was eating her and jumped so vigorously she backflipped right across my two arms to a waiting pillow (because after her 150 ft tumble I know her tricks well now...)

MY EVIL DRUG DEALER GAVE ME FREE CRACK A COUPLE OF AFTERNOONS AGO, saying "pay me when you can"
(is never OK?) and swanned off. Of course I accepted the bag and smoked it and mixed it in my "gear" and injected it. Heroin without coke is like tea without sugar. You can do it, you can accept it. But when you're as deadbeat an addict as I am the heroin basically does nearly nothing at all and that cocaine sweetness is practically all you feel from the hit. So I felt that by giving up crack I was making a real sacrifice. And now this bastard wants to jeapordize all that...

... I don't know what to say.

MY BOOK. I AM STILL SLOWLY WRITING. It alternately flows and stalls. Take it from one who knows: writing fiction is so much easier!! But I must not deviate from the truth. Although I have pretty mercilessly cut out old friends and events and compressed things into readable entertainment. It's not meant to be a story about the other people I've known: it's a story about me. So everyone else is thrown into fitting hazy gloom as well they're meant to be. All is true but it's MY truth and I have to abbreviate. Otherwise ~ trust me ~ this will turn into a 20157-volume bore-scapade... know what I mean?

So nobody found out what yesterday's marine bed bug was called in English, did they? And yes I think it did practically bite that man's gnarled pensioner toe off!

I'm so tired. I'm exhausted in fact. It is a quarter to six and of course pitch dark lit by streaking taillights of cars and mopshops and kebabberies and southern fried chicken ... and don't get me started about the Chinese and their intellectual curries!

Here are the first two blogs I ever came across in my fledgling career as "blogger".
1st: Mousie's blog (guess why... hmmmm???) http://plumpiemousie.blogspot.com
2nd: Ruth's Gardening blog... she was Mousie's friend and posts beautiful shubberies and flowers on a near-daily basis...

Nicole has moved from Amsterdam to Adelaide in Southern Australia. (I know I said this before)... but the pictures are good. She captures the things I would want to ... you know, the details of daily life that make your day in the new country. So come on everyone have a click at http://nicolemobile.blogspot.com

In the News: Football-Sized Tubby Hedgehog weighs more than most babies ....

Goodnight everyone! (As they used to say at closing time, Welwyn Stores, before it was taken over by John Lewis's...) Goodnight!

***

Video of the Day:
Absolutely Fabulous: Season 1 Episode 1 "Fashion"


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Night volcano pictures...

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Do you want to read a really interesting unique book?
Libby Purves
, presenter on BBC Radio 4's son was about 18/19 and on a gap year when he became psychotically depressed and killed himself.
Fortunately Libby at least knew about this and had spoken to his psychiatrists etc...
He left behind 35,000 words of diaries, poems etc...
She read one of the poems on BBC World Service's Outlook programme ... seriously it was really good.
Because the so-called "misery memoir" is so popular, she knew, having contacted established publishers that to publish her son's words she would be expected to interject a story of her own grief as well. The family didn't want this and so published his entire works themselves. If you want to find out more about his story, click here....
(The book is available on Amazon...)
Title: The Silence at the Song's End...

Here's an alternative Libby Purves link though it tells nothing about the book...

Here's the link to one of my favourite newsreaders, Corrie Corfield.. she even makes 10,000 people blown up in Rwanda somehow sound like good news with her professional "inflexions"...

My other favourite radio 4 newsreader is, of course, Charlotte Green... the gal retired seargeant majors still have wet dreams over... have a look at her site...

... I have to say I wish I hadn't clickedonthat now as she looks NOTHING like her radio voice would suggest!!!!

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Building a house from scratch in South California!

(My only reprimand would be of using far too much flamable timber and not enough bricks!)


***

Hey! I have found out the name of yesterday's giant seabug!
It is called something like an isopod...

28 comments:

Liz said...

C'mon, Gleds, battle it!!! We're willing you on, you know.

Gledwood said...

Tar!

toby said...

Lol! "You wanna 69?" Lol!

'Scuse me, still laughing at the Chinese joke! I shall use it at the first conceivable opportunity :)

Seriously, your Evil Drug Dealer ain't doing you any favours.

Gledwood said...

I know my drugs worker" told me that yesterday and I knew... anyway what kind of favour do you have to pay back unless you're into serious "office politicx"??

toby said...

Dude, you found my Princess Tanya story a few weeks back (dunno how) and you put a link on your sidebar, under writers (which made me fall off my chair when I saw it!).

Reckon everybody in blogland knows Keshi. Lovely girl :)

Gledwood said...

O I see! I thought Princess Tanya was somehow familiar... but please forgive my failing powers of recollection I am royally alcoholically *****d

Angie said...

Hi Gleds,
Just wanted to say thanks for your comment on my blog.Have to say though that cycle lanes are all very well so long as us cyclists don't get forced off the roads! Think on that when you become an MP! Cheers,
Angie.
Ps, Wish you could tell your dealer to do one. You're worth more than that, you know.Ok, tell me to mind my own business if you want.

Gledwood said...

When I'm elected.. well I was going to keep this secret but my cycle lanes were going to go up on the PAVEMENTS!!! Yes, wide pavements divided by a thick stripe pedestrians one side cyclists the other... why SHOULD cyclists have to risk their lives on the roads?

As for the dealer... yes I know...

:-<...

Alexys Fairfield said...

Hey Gleds,
You should keep your mice away from KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) they may wind up as the meal. (I've heard the stories.)

Your story reminds me of Trainspotting. Have you read the book? Seen the movie?

Gledwood said...

Trainspotting the movie is SO FULL OF LIES... e.g. that heroin makes you fall to the floor in an MDMA-like sensual rush... RUBBISH!

The book was totally written in Scottish and I'm nowhere near middle class enough to give that kind of crap time of day... sorry I read in plain English or else a foreign language not pretentious guff...

my book will be a gerzillion times better! I can assure you of THAT in confidence as Trainspotting was so bad!

I know the film is good. It's just factually totally off the rails...

;->...

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, I was hoping you had found out what that creature from the deep was called ....still gets a ugghh reaction from me .... probably was a dealer in a previous life.

I have a question for you when you next visit *!*

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, I was hoping you had found out what that creature from the deep was called ....still gets a ugghh reaction from me .... probably was a dealer in a previous life.

I have a question for you when you next visit *!*

WAT said...

Dear Gledders,

I didn't say Hillary was unfolding chap, I said history itself is unfolding right before our very eyes!

I love the hippo-tortoise clip. It's so tender and sweet.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: that bloody blogger has done that repetitious thing again... it does that 2me 2...

NEway... what about that animal... in English it is called a "giant isopod" and I've a link for it at the bottom (or v near) of my 2day's post out here... happy entertaining reading!

PS I think it DID clip that blokies toe off.... very innacurate for use as nailclippers then..!!

Wat: o! Sorry totally misread that then I thought you were talking about it being Curtains for Hilary... poor Hilary C!

"...I said history itself is unfolding right before our very eyes!..."

... o I SEE!!...

Bimbimbie said...

.... I didn't notice blogger had me stuttering again, why's it picking on me this week lol

Giant Isopod ...I'll go have a read, nice tourist attraction isn't it!

.... hope I don't stutter as I hit the send button *!*

M- Filer said...

I hope you are not insulted by this, but whenever you share about your active addiction, it grosses me out in such a visceral way-- a way that comes from experience. As I have said in the past I am glad you write about it, it helps me to keep it green, as they say in the rooms.

Love AB/FAB btw.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hang in there, Gleds...you have friends downunder, too and we're for you!

Nicole said...

Just passing through and saying hello! Have to go to bed now as it's past midnight and I must be up early to help my parents prepare home-made sausages that will be grilled for a Croatian Food & Wine Festival on Sunday.

Naomi Joy said...

bad dealer!

my blogs been set back to public.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: maybe in ancient times they used them as nature's toenail clippers ...

Mfiler: no I'm not insulted... glad you like Ab Fab ... when I was in a mental hospital once it was the favourite TV prog of the week..(!)

Gledwood said...

Pussinboots: thank you!

Nicole: all the best with the sausages!

Naomi: good!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Glad you're still writing. I didn't know that about Libby Purves' son. You've got me missing Charlotte Green now.

Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: well have a good listen on my "how to do it" Radio 4 intellectual internet listener!!

;->...

zennist said...

After my dad killed himself, I went on a two-year binge, reading everything I could find about suicide. I read books by people whose loved ones chose to check out, people who tried and failed and, of course, some more scholarly works.

I'm sad for the lady who lost such a young son.

Gledwood said...

私の日本の良い一日をお友達に言えば!ブログにして画面に現れたのでかなりランダムと言うことでしょうかと思ってあいさつをして招待して自分のブログに面白いです。 http://gledwood2.blogspot.comは、その場所になっている。それが私の日常とオンライン告解の秘密の日記についてはどこに見つけることができたすべての私の奇妙な生活をします。すべての多幸をお祈り申し上げますよ!よりgledwood "Vol 2 " ... ;->...

Gledwood said...

يوم طيب لكم صديق الناطقه بالعربيه. مدونتك يبدو عشوائيا تماما امام اعين بلدي حتى ظننت أنني سوف اقول لكم اهلا وسهلا. طبعا انا بلوغر جدا. Http://gledwood2.blogspot.com هو مكانها في وقت لاحق. ان الطاءفيه هي بلدي على الانترنت وعنوان بلادي الحميمه السرية المفكرات اليوميه. وقد متعة قراءتها! كل خير لكم من... Gledwood "Vol 2"

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood