HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, November 05, 2007

Festival of Lights: Remember Remember ...



Ostensibly a festival in remembrance
of the famously foiled Gunpowder Plot of 1605, whereby a dolt named Guy Fawkes and his chums planted great tubby wooden barrels full of high explosives all throughout the cellars beneath the English Houses of Parliament... only to get caught, tried and hung, drawn and quartered...

To this day people all over England, Scotland and Wales set off fireworks and light huge bonfires, often complete with a huge human effigy called the "Guy"...

This actually predates that Guy Fawkes by many centuries, back to a dark time crackling with the flames of ritual magick, where bonfires were bonefires - screaming with the agonies of human burnt sacrifice.

It's all part of the ancient Festival of Lights, part of the same Indo-European pagan heritage that links Bonfire Night to the Hindu "festival of lights" Divali. Very often the two festivals clash and, having several hundred thousand Hindus here in London we have twin fireworks extravaganzas every night for over a fortnight. My friend Mother Hubbard calls it "Doolally" when this happens.

I would imagine most of the big fireworks displays would have been this weekend just been, though I've not glimpsed any. There were some manic garden fireworks last night tho. When it comes to cheap fireworks I much prefer the type that go off with a jack-in-the-box shriek-&-bang rather than just a pathetic half-second fall of lights, like a cigarette being tapped out of a car window.

Surprisingly my hamsters weren't panicked at all by all this bang-crashing (being as they take any opportunity whatsoever to rush about as if their lives are at an end). Perhaps they are growing up. Or maybe their secret goblin who lives in the granary box, clambered out and caused mischief in our back gardens last night...

Well it's barely six p.m. at time of tapping yet pitch dark. It's dark not too long after four thirty these days. Deepest winter is a three thirty nightfall, which is terribly early. Meaning you'd get up in darkness, leave for work in the dark. The sun skirts exhaustedly just above the horizon, either suffusing the clouds with watery light or else dazzling straight in the eyes from the end of your road. Then evening, as I said falls not too long after three. Nightfall in this country always takes much longer than in more tropical climes. Not for us the ten minute sunset then ~ WHAM! ~ starlight... no, we get a great display of it, the yellowy, tired, extinguishing sun, settling down on its ruddy pillow of horizon doing everything to say "look folks, I did get up (just). I was here. I promise to come back tomorrow." No wonder those folks of old so treasured evergreens as evidence that summer would return - if many months down the road - at long (eventual) last.

Now I have to go, Valium Marilyn just came stumbling into this internet caffe and I'm getting dirty looks from a multinational crowd of poker players, porn viewers, emailers and people writing job resumes... gotta go...

have a merry one everyone!

And if it's not merry, may it be tolerable.

If you are doing bonfire night, follow the advice of Blue Peter and keep those pets indoors!


STOP PRESS: It's now 9:01pm; our skies are full of coloured lights and bang-crashes...


Another Gunpowder Plot link.


How come all schoolkids' blogs from Singapore-Malaysia are like this?
No comments under each post, but a "flashbox" thing for messages from all their usually Chinese pop music loving friends? Go to http://fresh-blogg.blogspot.com and have a look ...



intellectual French poetry...


Absolutely transcendently psychedelically colourful Italian seafront houses... amazing!
From Isabella http://sheeppuppet.blogspot.com
clickonthat too but do click on the top sentence... I've never seen a street so paintedly bright..!!..


Striking images:
a blog in Thai!


Amazing bottle top collection:
(how do they get 'em off without bending 'em? I certainly can't do that...)


Scrap from Scratch

A classic American "scrappin'" blog... (we don't really have the same thing over here) ...


Beautiful French cats


Arizona and Wales: Dorien's Photo Blog
Great stuff at:


This is what Eileen sent me:
Toronto photographer living under bridge (news article)
Her photos on flickr http://flickr.com/photos/anacrisan


Tune of the Day:

Mozart's Requiem

Specially for Ivy ~ because it's Mozart's top tune


Click for more e-"season's-greetings"-cards


Another fantastic autumn-in-the-water picture; this one from Debsbox


Writing romance. Instructions from the masters/mistresses: Harlequin/Mills-&-Boon!


Anonymous said...

Have you ever been to the burning of the clocks in Brighton? Saw some pics on Flickr and it looks like good times.

Also, thought you might be interested in this girl's photography. I stumbled across her because the Toronto Star did an article on her work, I think it's quite amazing...

Here is the article http://www.thestar.com/News/article/273541

and here is the URL for her Flickr account flickr.com/photos/anacrisan/


Gledwood said...

Thanks for that I posted those links up just now

Bimbimbie said...

Now what a difference those UK winter months would be if houses looked like those Italian ones *!*

.... I took a peep at Anton's blog and I think you have confused the poor kid, he's posted you a question.

Interesting story on the photographer under the bridge.

It's 6:15am and raining and the magpies are singing under cover again *!*

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

O dear me I am going to have to explain... ALL I was trying to say was nearly EVERYONE under age 20 from Singapore-Malaysia has a blog in the same format as Anton... no comments boxes but a flashbox for messages... that was all!

Anton if you are reading this do not become a heroin "dada" addict like me do not touch the stuff it is evil! Steer well away!

Gledwood said...

"It's 6:15am and raining and the magpies are singing under cover again *!*"
do magpies actually sing?!?

molson said...

You have the most wonderful conspiratorial holidays there in Merry Olde England Gledwood. I never heard of Bonfire Night or Guy Fawkes and the Gunpowder Plot or how the two somehow became blended together. I wonder how Guy Fawkes would feel about becoming such a notorious celebrity that ended up tied to an old Druid ritual? Amazing history. There is just nothing like it in the States. Oh how much fun it would be to knock back a few pints while watching the effigy of Guy Fawkes go up in flames and who knows if your lucky maybe you will receive the blessings of Ganesh and be visited by Lakshmi in the night. How delightful. HaHa.

Kahshe Cottager said...

I really enjoyed your description of the sun at this time of year in this post Gleds. I think we have daylight for a little longer perhaps. The sunsets can be breathtaking at this time of year but as winter gets closer the sunlight seems to be a weak memory of summer days.

I hope you enjoyed the fireworks ...

molson said...

Speaking of interesting but much more recent history. Be sure to visit the website for the 'Fabulous Ruins of Detroit'. Amazing and tragic photos of the decline of a modern city.


Gledwood said...

Molson: Hang on I was thinking of this and why did they do a bonfire on Friends... o! Duh! It was a Valentines' day bonfire... ho-hum what a terrlbe thing.... Yes we have the ancient olde Festival of Light but to be quite honest I would not be at all surprised if it actually comes from exactly the same festival as Halloween... that would definitely make sense... see what I mean?

Kahshe: too true... I think you probably would have maybe 1/2 an hour longer as most of inhabited Canada is quite far south of us... we are on a line with New England/Nova Scotia... which is EXCEEDINGLY inconveniently cold!

Molson: What's that? The decline of Detroit? I've never heard of THAT... let me have a poke thru it...

Gledwood said...

The fireworks have been pretty good thanks, tho I didn't go to a formal display... they're going off all about me on evey road in this area...

I was asking myself what are they going to look like from my floor-to-ceiling windows in Ontario Tower... you know bc it's quite high up will I be able to look DOWN on them?!? That would be teletubbily cool...

Gata Verde said...

Thanks for your visit!


Zhu said...

I read a lot about Guy Fawkes back in high school, in English classes... it's like English folklore for us. Never actually been to the UK for it, but it must be fun with fireworks and stuff.

Did you like the V for Vendetta movie ? ;)

RUTH said...

The largest Bonfire Night locally didn't go too well....one of the fairground rides collapsed. Glad I was safely tucked indoors watching out the window!

Audrey said...

Glad the hammys werent too bothered by the noise, I think my dog will quite literally be very relieved to get out into the garden today..she was terrified..poor thing

Liked the idea of wathcing the fireworks from the tower building..Auds x

Puss-in-Boots said...

We can only have organised firework displays here...ones that are put on by the city because of the fire risk...we have enough bush fires without idiots letting of fireworks, too. Although some can always buy them illegally, and they do.

I love the Indian Festival of Lights, have been to a few of those, very colourful.

Have a good time and take care.

Puss-in-Boots said...

BTW take a look at yesterday's post on my blog.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Hope you enjoyed all the fireworks mate. Max, Fee's husky, wasn't affected by it at all!

Gledwood said...

Gata Verde: you're welcome!

Zhu: wow Guy Fawkes gets everywhere...

Ruth: glad you WEREN'T there... I think I might have heard something about that on the news

Gledwood said...

Audrey: yes it would be cool to watch the fireworks from right up high... I wonder how far up the side of the tower the cheap ones go? Probably not all the way up...

Puss-in-Boots: bushfire risk... I'd never even thought of that... how horrible

ViviVoom: huskies are dead cute with their blue eyes...

gladgirl said...

Hi Gleds

Just saying hi! How are the hammies? Have they survived the fireworks? Are you alright matey? I am still ok.

glad x

Gledwood said...

Glad you are better... what a turnup 4the books!

Akelamalu said...

Apparently it was one of the Heywood family (whom my town was named for)who snatched the torch from the hand of Guy Fawkes!

Emperor Ropi said...

I heard about this tradition when I was in London.

whitenoise said...

Actually, Gled, Nova Scotia is about 7 degrees of latitude further south than Jolly Olde...
(you can work it all out here

London is actually quite far north by North American standards, more in line with places like Moosonee.

(Sorry, it's the nerd in me...) ;-)

zennist said...

I hear you. I go to work in the dark and I come home in the dark. I hate fall and winter. Ggirl

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I don't do Bonfire night period.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. I never understand about Joan Collins. I mean, she had wrinkles in her 40s but now she says she's had no plastic surgery - hmmm - . Used to like those ads, though. So glad the hamsters weren't upset by it all - I was worrying about them! "Dolally" seems a good name to sum it up!

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: really did he have the flaming torch in his hand when he got caught? Blimey!

Ropi: and a very spectacular tradition it is too

Whitenoise: o! I will have a look at that lattitude thang...

Gledwood said...

GGirl: I know it's rather miserable... I remember going to school like that just wishing I could hibernate...

Ingsoc: the fireworks aren't that good for home use except (well as I said) the noisy ones...

Welshcakes: old Joan Collins has to be 75 by my calculation and that's no exaggeration.... I once saw a picture of her without makeup in her 40s she had just as many lines and wrinkles as anyone else... I reckon she HAS had some surgery but has kept it subtle. Also is blest with luminous skin and a bone structure that has made her face improve with age in many ways... quite remarkable!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood