HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Mothball Dumplings "Casserole" Butterywheeled Robo

I WROTE SO MUCH RUBBISH EARLIER on notepaper I think it will have to wait to be posted as I'll run out of "air" time before I ever get it down...

I'm making another stew and it's just started going through the mental phase when it's really bubbling up. I don't know why but the potatoes always take about two hours to do in that slow cooker. They can be quite hard while the lamb is edible (if not "well" done... Maybe it's because I "seal in" the lamb by frying pretty well first...

Evilstein my landlord blustered in this morning threatening eviction (yet again) because they need to install double glazing and he thinks I have too much clutter. Since when has clutter-collecting been illegal? If he dares try anything I shall get the law on him good and proper.

My hamsters are celebrating their stay of execution by pinging three-at-a-time on their wheel. I can just glimpse them flashing whitebellied by as they ramble their way round. All hamsters do the same thing. On dismounting the wheel they run a circuit of the cage as if to prove they "got" somewhere with all that previous running... quite odd...

My memoirs are turning into a right ashtray of a book. Missing "vignettes"... stuff in wrong order. A right literary pigsty.

I can't wait till I've finished this nasty first draft or draught (one is a chilly wind from under a door. Another is a pouring of ale. Yet another is a writer's early edition of a literary work. Does anyone know which is which?). Then I can put all my boo-booze right. I'm not into the "perfecting it as you go along" school of book composing. That is a way of writing yourself into a corner as far as I'm concerned. Far better to get the archetecture right first time and perfect your decorations later. So to speak.

Valium Marilyn's just given me some Aero Chocolate Mousse. (Oo! This is one advantage of living in the motherland of confectionary you get double the ranges plus fridge and freezer based spinoffs unavailable in LA ~ haha!)

She was pretty with it tonight. Less Valium = more Marilyn. Simple equation!!

Now my robbies have a newly buttered wheel and yet they won't run on it. Because when I opened their enclosure to butter said wheel they all vanished down their selection of seven lavatory tubes and are now washing their ears and making Baby Itchy probably look like a harvest mouse fresh from a dunking in the bath...

Well my stew ~ or "casserole", if you will ~ must surely be about ready and I have to add "genuine 30 year old dumplings" (I hope they're not talking literally else they'll be more like mothballs). I have to go now.

Me and my Mum are going round the Millennium Dome to poke round Tutankhamun's Death Collection of memorabilia... I'll tell you how it was once I've been ...

Liz I found out about digital switchover for you. It should commence in 2008/9. Wales is one of the very first places. This link shows the details. People from other parts of the UK clickonit then choose your region from the menu. Freeview equipment will be the ONLY type of terrestrial TV (ie through the aerial) that will still work. But if you get Sky Digital or cable you'll still get service through that. Spare 5-channel tellies will not work in your house without freeview boxes though....

Video of the Day
All Saints: Black Coffee


***

Aussie in New York... the city-by-night photo is pure diamond!

American (new) buildings are so much funkier than British ones... look at this from Boston, MA ...

13 comments:

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds loved your comment on my blog. Yes the thermometer is mine.
Isn't draught something to do with beer as well as a chilly wind? Strangely enough I don't drink beer as it always gives me wind...LOL Hope the dumplings turned out ok....re the potatoes make sure your chunk them up into bite size pieces and the liquid/stock is really boiling BEFORE it goes on the slow cooker base.
Eat well, sleep well and keep smiling
Rx

Akelamalu said...

Oooh you're going to see king Tut's stuff - fantastic. I went in his tomb when we were in Egypt but of course there was nothing there except wall paintings - though they were fabulous too! Tell all when you get back please. x

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I agree about trying to get the rough draft out first as the better approach to writing. I also find it the most difficult. Keep at it. I am way worse than you. For the last three years, I have been trying to get started on a novel and all I have are now 6 versions of chapter one!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. Yes, get the law on Evilstein! What's wrong with clutter and what's it got to do with him wanting to put in double glazing? you seem to be enjoying the cooking!

jmb said...

You'll love the King Tut exhibit Gleds. I thought it was fantastic when I saw it a couple of months ago in Philadelphia and raved about it on the blog.
Nothing like a nice lamb stew.

lostgirl said...

Hey Gleds

Its good to hear about your book. Keep on keeping on! Ignore Evilstein. I thought these people were supposed to help. I am very impressed with your cooking. I often feel like I cannot do it. Have a nice weekend. Keep warm.

cheerio x

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds Clutter or no clutter is your unit.
We have Carlton Draught beer, here and door stoppers to keep the draught out, I make a rough draft when writing a letter then copy and correct before mailing... Your Stew sounds yummy potatoes always seem to take longer when added to slow cooker either cut them smaller or add earlier... take care now..

Nicole said...

The Egyptian stuff sounds interesting, I'm looking forward to hearing about it.

Gledwood said...

Ruth: Oh! I did the not pre-boiling the stock thing wrong then!

Akelamalu: Did you hear they're only proposing to let in 400 visitors per DAY into King Tut's "accursed" chamber from now on as the tourists' bad breath is destroying the artefacts?.. So the Egyptians claim. I'm going to Tut next week in the Dome and so shall report back all!

Grey Squirrel:... ooer I know how THAT feels!!

Welshcakes: cooking? Luurve it. Evilstein? HATE him!!!

Gledwood said...

JMB: Stew ~ you're quite right. My American friend Pascal told me that exhibition had been NYC, Boston, Philadelphia/everywhere too!

Lostgirl: stews/casseroles are easy though. Just chucking LOADS and LOADS of paprika. That's my top tip...

Jeanette: I'm going to take Ruth's advice and preboil those potatoes... probably will speed up everything most MARKEDLY! You're right about Evilstein. I will get him punished most severely.

What's this I hear abour Australian soldiers by the way. (Toast version.) I thought/assumed they were a purely English phenomenon.

Nicole: I'll post it up next week when I've been & seen!

ggirl said...

I think you're right about the memoir methodology. Write first, revise later.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood