HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Sweaty Cold

DOES THE COMMON COLD MAKE YOU SWEAT? I had an (admittedly 2in/2min) bath yesterday morn and scrubbed quite clean. Now narly 28 hrs later I'm sweating like a swine on heat and smelling like horse trots in an onion factory.

Two nights in a row I've had the same recurrent dream: Of being trapped in an enormous event resembling an indoor sook or fancy dress bazaar crossed witha a trance party rave's pixxie room. With all the techno-shamanic characters such a gathering used to involve (dunno about nowadays, I've not been out "properly" except a couple of times in the last seven years.)

My furries are so funny. I took their lid off to witness their teabox with a double headed robo protruding. I said "Hello! Hello!" and one peered up at me while the other scarpered (if only separating real-life Siamese twins were so easy). Now I've a triple-headed furball grooming itself in the corner. All peacefulness and light. And pretending never to have been naughty...

I caught Itchy mid-magic wand (it is a very narrow cardboard tube) just now and she reversed out all unkempt like a "furry boiled egg" - well the nearest any hamster gets to looking like an egg.

Sometimes I question my ... "sanity"? Whatever it's called... at so glibly throwing in talk of suicide yesterday.

The even t I referred to took place about 14 years ago and I have to tell it (as I said) in my memoirs. And get used to telling it. How else will I cope with having my entire life laid out for everybody to laugh at? I can't really cut it out either - else the resulting story will be so boring NOBODY will want to read it at all...

Wow those evening are drawing in. 4:30 dark already. 3:30 dark within a month.

Sorry I've not too much to say. I'm out of computer time and of cash. So I may not be online again till Monday.

Meanwhile: here's wishing a charming weekend to all.

All the best!

luurve from
"Vol 2"....

See yers on Monday...


Mousie/Paisible said...

take care dear...be well...keep you in my thoughts...

Puss-in-Boots said...

Gleds, no-one is going to laugh at your memoirs, so tell it how it is. You never know, someone may read your words one day and learn. If that happens it's well worth being laughed at, if anyone would be crass enough to do that.

Sorry about your cold...with the shivering and shaking, sure it's not flu? You take care of yourself now.

madgirl said...

Sorry to hear about your cold Gleds. Hopefully it will pass quickly. Your memoirs will be fabulous! Believe in yourself. I am not feeling too good again so changing to "Mad" which covers me for all eventualities.

take care

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Hope you are feeling better you sweaty horse!

Arjan said...

well our house cat sure didn't befriend our dwarf hamster..
The hamster got 'pawned'. The cat threw the cage off the table and killed our dear hamster.

Colds suck..big time.
I don't think we will laugh at your memoirs, because otherwise we would already be busy laughing wouldn't we?
Laughing at, maybe, but who doesn't have funny episodes in his or her life.

Akelamalu said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling rough Gleds, take care of yourself.

Bimbimbie said...

Hope you are feeling better Gleds ... I can only wonder and marvel at how you arrive at such funny descriptions ... swine on heat .... such a comically pungent picture you paint with words *!*

Gledwood said...

Mousie: mercie beaucoup!

Puss-in-Boots: I think it is a cold-plus-addiction-plus cold house, thanks for the thoughts though...

Mad: I was once mad once... but I sobered up... even this weekend I had cross-intereference on the radio... downloading inconvenient gabbling messages not for all into which details I cannot go har har ;->...

Gledwood said...

Vi Vi: Better now on Monday morning! Now I've had a PROPER shower at Mother Hubbs' and changed terrible ponging mousepissscented clothes and everything

Arjan: spagging hold of hamster cage bars then throwing cage off table to explode open on floor is a favourite trick of cats. Only properly covered aquaria are a 100% hamster protection against cats...

Re the other point well said and thankyou...

Akelamalu: thanks!

Bimbimbie: "swine on heat" complete with oniony horsetrots is precisely how I felt my dear!! ;->...

whitenoise said...

Hey Gled, glad to hear that you're feeling better. Chicken Soup- that'll fix ya. ;-)

No_Newz said...

One day that cat will realize how yummy his little friend is. :P

I hope you are feeling better today! Thanks for the visit.

Gledwood said...

Whitenoise: I'm not so incredibly keen on chicken soup... the last attempt I tried was Heinz brand... it tastes of salt and sugar and very little else and to be honest I was feeling to ill to bother making my own!

chicken-&-veg cup-a-soup with integral croutons is rather nice though, i must agree. you know the industrial powder one you just swoosh hot water all over and *~* presto! *~* Jewish Mamma's Best miraculously appears a-steaming in a mug b4 U...

No Newz: I was totally wondering exactly the same thing. Especially with the snake one. The serpent is hardly the most emotionally demonstrative of creatures, is it~*???*
I was thinking maybe the cat one would end with a session of over-enthusiastic kitty-play, ... know what I mean...*???*

Kahshe Cottager said...

Sorry to hear that you have a cold. They are so miserable at this time of year as if the dark days and early nightfalls aren't enough to contend with!

Loved the cat and hamster video and your descriptions of your fur family made me chuckle!

Feel better soon!

Gledwood said...

Thanks - hopefully AM getting better... I HAVE to post about my "Furry Family" as the blog's CALLED "Hamsters and Heroin" and I know people don't wanna hear the gory stuff about heroin so much... know what I mean... many thanxx for the msg, Kahshe!

zennist said...

I'm never, ever laughing when the word "suicide" is used. Never. I don't think anyone is laughing at your life (aka your memoirs). Bad, bad Gleds for thinking so!

Take care, okay?

http://ggirl.tblog.com (too)

Gledwood said...

thanks... I always try to take care...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood