HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Stirring up the Sediment.+ Stew

STIRRING UP THE SEDIMENT! That's certainly what I've been doing lately. It is barely a quarter past four and pitch dark already. Now I have a phone I have a clock again. And alarm clock...

My phone really dosn't look like a telephone at all. To be honest, to me, it looks more like a drinks coaster crossed with a spectacle case for gnomes... clickonthis to view it, but bear in mind it's litup in that picture whereas normally it's shiny, sleek and goldrimmed black...

Many thanks for all the messages I got last night and today.

In reply to some of your queries: Gledeber was a mongrel. I unblocked the sink using citric acid crystals (citric acid + sodium bicarb is the best: it really foams up!)

And I'm powering ahead with my book despite the naysays from my "self".

You know if I'm going to publish my lifestory I have to get comfortable with my life. Now I know I'm a little more "candid" than the average Joe... but not perhaps THAT much ... I have to get used to all this sediment.

And if I feel that I'm exploiting my own suicidal attempts or speaking of them glibly or exposing them to ridicule; I'm only doing in miniature form what I'm going to have to do to make peace with my story having been told to the world when it has been... It's for this reason I'm not interested in smallscale selfpublishing or charity publishing or smallscale publishing. If I'm going to tell my story I want it to go to the entire world. Otherwise I shall have double-compromised. Telling the story was meant to mark a turning point. I think it's going to have to be a 2 volume book though. I don't know.

Well it's about 20 past 4 and dark and I'm tired. Everything is chaos as per usual. I wish I could sleep for ten years. But I can't.

I'm going to miserably pick over my carcasse of a lifestory manuscript now. Wish me luck, please. Take care. Bye.

Gleds
xx


***

Right: 7:50pm and I'm making intellectual stew.
These were the ingredients.
One and a third pounds or about 300g neck of lamb chopped up with butcher's murder weapon cleaver thing. Fried in a bit of curry powder.
Half a tin of chopped tomatoes (usually it's a whole tin). A quarter of a tin of water to make up for the tomatoes missing. This forms the stew base.
One enormous onion. Fried after the lamb's done. (If you can't cook let me inform you you have to "seal in" any meat by frying first in a pan with spices. You can do this without spices but it's the very inverse-apex of vulgarity.
Oh yeah. One huge potato. Chopped pretty small. Chucked in slow cooker.
Chuck everything in slow cooker by the way.
One enormous carrot all sliced and chopped up and peeled obviously due to civil liberties restricting New Labour government's pesticides. (Had to get politics into a recipe somehow...)
About 30p 60c worth of okra. Topped and tailed and sliced.
About 30p 60c worth of mushrooms. Slice half. Cut the other half of each into two quarters.
Spices: about 4 teaspoons paprika. About a quarter teaspoon neat red chili powder. About a third teaspoon of ginger (which I slightly regretted at the time but I don't think it's too much). About 2 teaspoons dark soy sauce (darkens the mix if it does nothing else). A small teaspoon thyme. I do have mixed herbs but haven't a clue where they've gone. Two teaspoons gravy granules. These thicken it up. And about a teaspoon or two "Old Dr Brown's Jamaican Curry Powder" which is chock full of MSG (the key to good taste. Sorry I'm not that bourgeois. I love MSG.) No need at all to add salt as it's in everything else.
I was going to add broccoli but it's not very stew-like.
I once asked a stupid bourgeois yoga teacher for "some advice on things to add to a curry" (she was the same person who "didn't want supermarkets in London, at least not big new ones as they're frightfully inconvenient in added traffic" oh bugger off! Anyway so typical of this person who I did love (she moved in as one of seven into my old house. A certain other person didn't want her in but I thought she was fantastic despite her foibles. Anyway she went and recommended the two most non-Indian takeaway curry-ish of things: ie mushrooms which you NEVER get in Indian takeaway (and I never came across in India either) and BROCCOLI possibly the most nonsubcontinental of all vegetables.... well I digress...
Well I think I've mentioned everything that's gone into the pot. Because I have no proper lid and cannot even find a plate to fit I've had to shove a carrier bag over a small frying pan and make that do...
Righto and that's about it...



Video of the Day 1:
This is one of the best videos I've posted up here. Very watchable. Shows us why Princess Diana was such a "star" in the minds of the media...Diary of a Princess: Diana's Last Documentary ~ Landmines in Angola ...


Video of the Day 2:
Sinead O'Connor: Rebel Song Live


***

Diary blog of an author:
http://jamieprose.blogspot.com

Really entertaining greetings card shop style baby photos...
http://aramateixenfiloaquestaagulla.blogspot.com

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Luck.....*inserts clover*

-Eileen

zennist said...

I agree. If you're going to write your life story, you must include everything you feel comfortable with. Carry on, Gleds.

Emperor Ropi said...

good luck, it is getting dark very early as well.

Gledwood said...

Eileen: ;->...

Zennist/GGirl: That's true. There's nothing I'm excluding for myself. I'm only leaving out stuff (that hasn't much to do with the story) for other people's sakes. People who probably don't want to play too great a role in my book anyhow...

EmperorRopi: you're not THAT far south so I xpect it does...

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

That sounds an excellent stew to me. The world awaits your life story!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

PS: Like the phone!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE Sinead O'Connor..my fave song is Black Boys on Mopeds. With that knowledge you can sleep easy 2night...

-eileen

Naomi Joy said...

i tagged you. How are you doing? Aside from being miserable about your book of course

Deb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deb said...

geesh, that typo was me...so tired.

You sound like you could be a chef if not a writer.

I always fry the meat up and then chuck onion and garlic and other veggies in to fry a bit before I add the liquid. Really gets good flavor going.

Now I'm hungry. Although I shouldn't be...I just had leftover spaghetti.

I like it when it gets dark early...somehow I am comforted by it?????

Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: the stew is good... yeah and the phone is funky it doesn't look cheap and cheerful to me!!

Eileen: ;->...

Naomi: I will come to your tag tonight I will I will

Debs: yes it has a what do you call it... wrapping up effect on the human psyche! As long as you're safe and inside and not stuck outside by a bus stop on the "it never appears" route right across town ...

Nicole said...

You know, I would never add broccoli to a stew, it cooks too quickly and would just fall apart. It doesn't do well in that type or recipe. I think mushrooms are good though. Although, if you were to add the broccoli 10 minutes before the end it would be all right. Capsicum works well in stew, as does celery (but I chop that very fine and saute with the onion for flavour). I also like parsnip very much.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Sorry you are still feeling down. How near is the book to being finished. Half done two thirds
or near finished. Because once you get that under way, you should feel better. Try to push yourself to get it done. You sure set yourself a big task, but you may stop another messing up his/her life by writing it. Thanks for your comments. Take great care, your stew sounds yummy. I live slow cookers and am glad you have one.
Every good wish, my friend, Merle.

RUTH said...

Oh Gleds without a proper lid the slow cooker won't work as it should. Maybe that's why the spuds are hard.
Rx

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood