HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Sublime Sunday

OK WELL WE HAVE TO START OFF ON A NONSUBLIME NOTE, with the mystery of bloodstains by our bathroom door. Every day in the same place. Matran accused ME of doing it (for obvious reasons) but I put on my most innocent face and said I did not. (You still have to make a performance in my house even when your're telling the truth. That's the kind of house it is.) All suspicion is pointing at the Gnome - our other mysterious housemate not yet mentioned....

What a brilliant autumn day. Autumn is my favourite time of year because it gets cold again. Ever since a certain addiction crept up on me about seven years ago I have been totally averse to the summer and all it's hot-sweats. Yucgh!

Well there is no ground breaking news. I think my gremlins had a goblin in their midst last night: they were misbehaving something chronic. Pinging back and forth as if they were practising for school sports day. Itchy went berzerk. At one point she looked like she would take off and fly...

Now here's my Official List.
10 Sublime Things About London...

(I had to think about this for over five minutes!)
These are not meant to be particularly "imaginative" selections; they're the ten things you gotta see as a tourist:~

(In no particular order by the way.)

~ Theatreland When I was little I imagined "The West End" was an end... somewhere in the West. But it is not. It means basically the main area of town where you'd hang out anyway as a tourist. So unlike in New York there's no Broadway/Off Broadway/Offoffbroadway distinctions to fret about. Just lots of really good plays to see. And nowadays loads and loads and loads and loads of musicals.

~ River Thames "Sweet Thames run softly till I end my song/Sweet Thames run softly for I sing not loud nor long" said TS Eliot in The Wasteland, aparently quoting Spenser. Yes it's just a boring old river. But it does have rather nice embankments...

~ The Tube Well it's a bit grimy and noisy and overcrowded... but it IS the most convenient way of getting around and London would not be London without it.

~ Tate Britain There's also a Tate Modern but I think the best stuff is on Millbank near Pimlico Tube. Especially the PreRaphaelite collection...

~ St James's Park Smallest and prettiest of London's parks

~ Buckingham Palace Come on! Who can resist the chance for a poke round the Queen's own house... She has a Blue Drawing Room, A Yellow Drawing Room and so on... It's just a question of scale. Antiques aside, these rooms are big enough to play squash in...

~ St Pauls Cathederal/Westminster Abbey London's biggest churches. Very historical

~ Houses of Parliament (or Palace of Westminster, if you prefer). You can get tickets and queue up for the public gallery. Unfortunately because of a flour-tossing incident at Tony Blair it's now glassed off. But you can still have a good leer down during Prime Minister's Question Time (the bit most likely to be shown on the news)... great stuff

~ Harrods With one million square feet of selling space this ties with New York's Maceys as the largest shop in the world. What distinguishes this from Macey's is what distinguishes gold from rusty old iron for Harrods is a luxury emporium and if you like shopping you cannot say you've shopped in London if you've not shopped here. (Harrods Lights cigarettes are very good and no more expensive than Marlboros if you're a bit broke.)

~ The London Eye This is a giant ferris wheel on the south bank of the Thames almost opposite the Houses of Parliament. Being amid a medium-rise city you get a fantastic view all around...

O! By the way! If you click on my River Thames link you get a lovely shot of my (supposed) ideal home, the docklands' Ontario Tower...

And now changing the subject entirely, here is one of my alltime favourite Bible passages...

And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.

And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

And he said unto me, It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely.

He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son.

Revelation 21

Video of the day:
I can't believe this but some twat has gone and deleted the cosmic barber's adaggio so I had to dredge up this one
Azusa Pacific University Choir - Barber's Adaggio

If you like this, try for my extract of Ave Maria/Barber's Adaggio by SFX Liverpool Boys' Choir. It is pretty overpowering.

Video 2
Shostokovich Second Waltz from Jazz Suite
Aw! Innit cute all those old people dancing

"Video 3" (sorry it doesn't move) (click here to see it for it's not on my blog)

Shostokovich Waltz

As featured in Eyes Wide Shut (with still from film)

There is something terribly compelling about this waltz. It is my favourite "waltz" of all time...


Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

I think you need to tell us more of the Gnome.

In fact I reckon you should give a little summary on all your flatmates and the house!

Gledwood said...

Darling if I were to do that I would be here all year... but I promise to try...

Arjan said...

Sounds like one strange house you live in :)
I still need to go to England and have a good look around.

As an answer to where I'm from: The Netherlands. We've got a queen of our own :) Who gives christmas speeches.

gledwood said...

Duh! I know it says that right up there on your profile... maybe I got confused between Denmark and Germany and where you were when those tents were put up...

I have never seen Queen Beatrix's Christmas Speech... I wonder if THAT is on Youtube..??

Mousie/Paisible said...

oh...Hyde Park corner on Sundays mornings with all the preechers...and St James Park, the Thames and The Tate Gallery and China Town...and my son who took me out to tea at the Sofitel St James...(very posh Mousie amn't I???)
have a nice Sunday my Friend

Akelamalu said...

Oh yes do tell us more about the Gnome!

molson said...

"...I think my gremlins had a goblin in their midst last night: they were misbehaving something chronic."

The were-robos are restless Gledwood. Best to sleep with one eye open.

Gledwood said...

Mousie: I have never heard of that place you had tea but it sounds very posh... when I once took the bus from the Houses of Parliament up Whitehall past Downing Street, at the very end on the Left, just as you go into Trafalgar Square is a very grand oldfashioned chandeliered tearooms... now I've always wondered what it would be like to go in THERE haha ;->...

Akelamalu: All in good time... what's to tell he's a horrible creature! Ughkhchkkkgh!

Molson: I think I saw the goblin sneaking in there one night... or maybe me eyes were playing trixx on me...

gladgirl said...

Hi Gleds

I reckon you need out of dantes inferno as it keeps getting worse! Any chance of that? At least your little hammies will take your mind off stuff. Perhaps you need some sort of territorial pet to protect you from Evilstein et alia? Just a thought. Have a good evening gleds.

all the best

Bimbimbie said...

I wouldn't want to mention "cat" within earshot of your robos but one of mine has a burst of nervous energy most evenings. She gets this funny look, her ears go flat - I think that makes her run faster, and she's away up, down, behind furniture and then stops has a wash and a nap to recover *!*

....loved the video of Shostokovich's Second Waltz - had me swaying in my chair too

lime said...

ah, thanks for the lovely list of things you love most about home. this is what i like best, when someone tells me what makes home so special and unique to them. i've been considering a similar list for my home state for some time.

and as fo ra favorite passage, you picked a good one for sure. i must say i'm also partial to the book of ruth.

Audrey said...

Yes Gleds do tell us about Gnome, I enjoy your creative descriptions and nicknames for those you live with in the house..

Lovely waltz,lovely passage and superb description of London. Shopped once in Harrabs many years ago..in the sale I hasten to add..28 years ago in fact....scary thought...lol

Hope your weekend was a good one Auds x

lecram said...

Came by to thank you for the visit.... do come again soon!

The 2 times I have been to London I believe I hit most of your list.


Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~ Nice list of places to see in London, and nice passage from Revelations.
Sounds like a strange house you live in - would be good to get somewhere else, maybe.
Thanks for your comments. The rain has been great. Take care, Best Wishes, Merle.

jim dandy said...

Thank you for the thrilling virtual tour of London. Having never been there yet, it will be helpful if ever I do get there. You have helped to a "face" to some of the names I have only heard in mention.
Personally, I would want to see the crosswalk at Abby Road. Is that touristy enough? haha
I sometimes watch it on the live camera at the Abby Road Studio's web site.
Also, I wonder if Harrods would have the Teddy Bear Telephone I seen on Gram Norton's TV Show. I simply must have one! haha
tah rah

Gledwood said...

GladGirl: A pet pecker-pecking goose would do the trick. Peck off Evilstein's evil right at it's root, which is (obviously) a load of b*ll*cks...

Bimbimbie: "playing scaredy cat" :: that's what I used to call that ...

Lime: I like the book of Ruth... do you know I've met 2 Vashti's plus one online Vashti being the rebellious first Persian Queen (wasn't the king's name Artaxerxes or something similarly conglommerationally inconvenient to spit out...)... ho humm... Do do that list of your own state I would be fascinated! Come on Lime come on!

Audrey: The weekend went cheerily enough, thanks... Harrods is a supershop... did you know it is FOUR TIMES bigger literally than Selfridges? Wow! Amazing stuff I loved department stores as a kiddie... a whole world under one roof... like a Starship enterprise... so inspiring!!


Gledwood said...

Lecram: The Tate gallery is a must... also one thing I left out (which, I admit, I never did myself) ~ a good old boatride up the Thames is meant to be entertainment itself!

We went on a boating holiday on the Thames as a child, through Berkshire down as far as Hampton court... honestly I really wish we had gone right through Westminster and London City on our little boat... that would have been so entertaining!

Hi Merle: glad you got rain at last... I'm sure you really need it (no floods hopefully like in Tabasco-sauce-land)... Yes I would luurve to get out of my present house... but easier said than {{eventually}} done...

Jim: Possibly Harrods could have the Graham Norton teddybear television... at one time they used to bost they would get you anything in the world!

How on earth do you get to view Graham Norton? On what channel? Is it open to anyone? Do very many people tune in? How very peculiar!

O yes, London is thee place to be... notice I highlighted ALL those names in pink so further info is available to all...(!!)

Arjan said...

a small part of Queen Beatrix's christmas speech (starts at 18 secs), an outtake for the 8 o'clock news.

Queen Beatrix

Crashdummie said...

Been there done that in London. Actually I'm planning a trip to London over New Year, seems kinda fitting.

What I'm really keen on is to go and see "Spamalot".

Dont get much more brittish than combining musical with Monty Python now does it ;)

Gledwood said...

Arjan: I shall have a look at that presently to be entertained... many thanks!

Crashdummie: o! Monty Python?!? Very good?!?!~~~ haha excellent stuff... veryvaguely I have heard of it... but not much.... ooer... can bearly call myself British, can I?

(Though I do love a good puff on a Harrods Light)...

Angie said...

Hi Gleds,
Can't say the sculptures reminded me of the ones on Easter Island. I read a book years ago by Thor Heyerdahl about Easter Island but that was quite a few years ago, so don't remember much about it

Gledwood said...

Well OK, they're standing things with faces on made out of stone or wood and lined up (or in a circle) and inasmuch as that they remind me of Easter Island!!

jim dandy said...

I don't get Gram on the telly, but I do collect British Television Comedy on DVD. Ab Fab, French & Saunders, Little Britain, Young Ones, etc...
Plus, I own a video store and have a lot of the crime dramas and other comedy as well. Python, Faulty Towers, Cracker, Prime Suspect, bla bla bla...
That's where I get the bulk of my UK Q&A's from.

Angie said...

Hi Gleds,
Just seen your message about my pictures being slow.I've been having problems with my slide shows,have been unable to view them on aol.I contacted the help section on slide who were very helpful.I've now tried doing my blog on firefox and hey presto,I can now view my slides! Not sure why my pictures are slow though.Anyway,take care.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood