HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Words Penned at the Witching Hour!

THE DARK IS CLOSE, prest tight at every pane of glass in this house... I had to check. Me and my hamsters are cowering here in semidark. "Baby Itchy! Come here you tubby entertainer!" And Baby bunnyhoppers through my inch-narrow entertainment tube; either pinging out the other end like a TGV-capybara or reversing halfway (it's too narrow even for Itchy to pirouette round inside and so she must scuttle out backwards) fur all akimbo like a beady-eyed furry boiled egg...

(That tube is the one I'm going to film her pinging in and out of for Youtube. Once I get my hands on some sort of camera/video camera/phone with a USB cable.)

Marmite! A great English favourite! It's a tarry, black B-vitamin-filled "yeast extract" spread. Same thing in practice as the Aussies' Vegemite though if anything slightly stronger. I used to have it dipped in runny boiled egg on toastie "soldiers" (toast cut into finger-strips)... O! I would so love to see a French or American person noshing on this! Oooh! They wouldn't half pull a face! It is one of those foods you really don't "get" unless it was fed to you as a baby...

I read something really gross on abortion yesterday. The pro-life pro-choice debate isn't quite the hot potato here it is in America so I've not felt the need to think out where I stand. But this made me think:

"A leading expert, Dr Roxana Chapman describes how she once found herself in a hospital where on one ward surgeons were saving a premature baby of 22 weeks while on another ward surgons were busily aborting 24-week-old twins who cried and struggled as their lives were ended.

"How do you sleep in your bed after witnessing an experience like that? ...

"It's sad but true that abortion is used increasingly as a form of delayed contraception [well what else can it possibly be construed as?] But perhaps mums-to-be might think twice if they saw all the medical evidence ...

"For a [government] minister to pretend that the world of science is the same now as it was 40 years ago* when steam trains were still running is ridiculous."


(*This was when the present time-limits were enshrined in British law.)

(p21 Sun Newspaper.)

Most of my female friends have had abortions. And not one of them pretended the experience was a walk in the park. It's a horrible procedure, a horrible thing to go through. I'm glad I will never have to make a choice like that over my own body.

On a lighter note, I'm now perusing my way thru one of the greatest novels of the 20th century: Boris Pasternak's Dr Zhivago. It can do with some skimming, but it's an amazing read...

Aw! Baby Itchy's staring at me gremlinlike from the Maltesers tube. "Hello Baby Itchy!" hello you furry gremlin!" And she bunnyhoppers off. I think she's snuck inside their raw-peanut-&-cotton-wool-filled "granary" where the other two are curled up like slumbering furballs. Come out Baby Itchy you swine!

No response.

So I'm off to peruse more Dr Zhivago. Righty-ho!

(And here I rambled off about Central Europe and how "I would love to see the Belgian countryside"... (I've always wanted to go stay "across the water" for a while... they seem to be eminently more civilized on the Continent...))

Before I go I must inconvenience you with more robotalk:

I popped my pen in the robotank - dangling down: a tender curious face appeared to gnaw at it. That was Baby. Suddenly, like a magic trick, the face has divided in two, double decker style. And Bashful's crawling over her, attacking it diligently with vicious swine's teeth!... Then Itchy's head morphs out of Bashful's yet again. Aww... it's so entertaining. I would love to be able to film it for Youtube one day...

The SWINE! Bashful just arrogantly strode up to my pen, sniffed it, quickly bit it, turned on her bum and dashed off! No more excuses now. I know her "curiosity" bites are plain viciousness pure and simple!

Righto I had better go I've been typing that until I'm gone crosseyed this afternoon. Bangers and mash are calling my name!

***

Videos of the Day:
Close Encounter with Siberian Tigers
&...
"Tame" Siberian Tiger ...


***

O! And STOP PRESS :: Video 3 :: As promised to M-filer ::
I promised yesterday to post this up but nearly forgot.
Joan Collins in Footballers' Wives
Akelamalu was talking about her 1980s addiction to those twin schockfests Dallas and Dynasty...(the Dynasty website http://www.shoulderpads.net is especially good!) which put me in mind to seek out Joan Collins clips for my celebrity blog... having seen the above, I have to say she's nowhere near as bad an actress as I seemed to remember!


***

MY MARMITE RESPONSE:

This is from Eileen's message, re a Marmite experience!

I have never had Marmite before I started going out with an Englishman. He opened the jar and this smell perforated the air like NOTHING I have ever come across before. He pleaded with me to try it and chased me around my apartment until I agreed to take the tiniest little taste. Immediatley my eyes bugged out, I ran to the kitchen to get a paper towel to scrape the reminents off my tongue but the putrid taste would not go away.

***

Photo Blog of the Day
http://hundirattur.blogspot.com
Extremely atmospheric wildlife and landscape pictures ....

Best Student Halloween Costumes
A Jackson Thing http://comtongentries.blogspot.com

By far the Best Post of the Day is
Crushed by Ingsoc's
"Cats and Dogs: which are superior?" post


***

Extra section for tonight:

Philip and Courtney: Americans in India
http://courtandphil.blogspot.com
"Don't eat food from street vendors' stalls" (I did!) I only got giardia from drinking wellwater as some IDIOT friend prest me into doing...

40 comments:

Guilty Secret said...

Man you're making me hungry with all this talk of boiled eggs and soldiers and Marmite! Mmmmmmmmmmm!

(Can you tell I'm English? Can you? Why, it's nearly tea time!)

gledwood said...

But of course!

gledwood said...

Thanks for getting back in touch BTW: does your boyf REALLY not have a clue you're blogging about him.... WAHEY!!!

Anonymous said...

Blech. Ew. Yuck. (Sorry I know that was rude, but the stuff makes me want to shave my tongue). I have never had Marmite before I started going out with an Englishman. He opened the jar and this smell perforated the air like NOTHING I have ever come across before. He pleaded with me to try it and chased me around my apartment until I agreed to take the tiniest little taste. Immediatley my eyes bugged out, I ran to the kitchen to get a paper towel to scrape the reminents off my tongue but the putrid taste would not go away. Since then, he thinks its pretty funny to use it in pastas and such and inform me after I have finished the dish that he has cooked with Marmite.

I suppose every country has its thing that makes others go "Hmmm, why on earth would you want to eat/drink that?" Take for example Canadians and Clamato (clam and tomatoe juice). When you go down to the States to a bar and ask for a Ceaser, they make it with tomatoe juice, which is in fact a Bloody Mary NOT a Ceasar.

And...........SCENE.

-Eileen

RUTH said...

I love Marmite esp. on thick buttered (real butter) toast. Astounded you used to do telesales.....I tried phone selling once for a packaging firm and was hopeless! Ended up as the company book-keeper in the end! Thanks for pointing Angie my way.
Keep smiling
Rx

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Vegemite RULES!!!!

Taste nothin' like marmite.

Gledwood said...

Ruth: why "astounded"~??

I have to say I did practically have a nervous breakdown after 6 months and started to genuinely loathe it...

(Even tho I was "team leader canvasser"...)

Vi Vi: it's practically the bloody same as Marmite! Come on!

M- Filer said...

That video was fucking great! How did you know that I would love that? HHAHAHAHA !
I'll come back later tonight to read your post--when I have more time. Thanks G

lime said...

ok, so i am born and bred in USA but i have tasted marmite. i was able to eat it without making hideous faces or wanting to scrape my tongue. it was not bad in my estimation but it's definitely an aqcuired taste.

Gledwood said...

M-filer: My psychic power! While you're at it you simply must try "Lucky Bitches" the lives of Joan and Jackie as portrayed by French and Saunders... it's absolute classic:

http://gledwoodceleb.blogspot.com/2007/11/joan-collins-jackie-collins-lucky.html

Lime: It's unusual you say that as I've been convinced (by many many remarks over many many years!) that Marmite/Vegemite are utterly gross to anyone outside the Anglo-Australian "orbit" ....

Anonymous said...

The stuff tastes like a chewed multivitamin. Anyhow, to each their own. I am all cool with it as long as I am not forced to eat it disguised in pasta OR to kiss an Englishmsn that has a bad case of Marmite breath.

-Eileen

Gledwood said...

There was a really funny TV commercial about Marmite Breath... catchline: "Marmite: you either love it or hate it!"

CG said...

Love your desciption of the hamsters and very thought provoking comments on the abortion issue.

I LOVE Marmite!!

Gledwood said...

The abortion stuff came from The Sun newspaper... of all places...

Carver said...

Hi Gledwood,

I don't think I've ever had marmite, or if so I don't remember. I spent a summer in the UK so I guess I may have had it and forgot. Thanks for visiting my blog. I haven't seen Sicko yet but intend to, and I'll have to get back to you once I get the answer to your top on a bridge question. Take care, Carver

leslie said...

Well, I'm Canadian and I do NOT like Caesars (clamato juice ICK!). Peanut butter seems to be the thing here, but I have tasted that other spread you have there made with hazelnuts (Nutella) and it's yummy. Here kids with peanut allergies seem to have that.

Now HAGGIS - that's a good eat!!! lol

Squamer said...

haha, no we dont microwave them on location. For whopper and burger patties they come frozen and we cook them in a grill. For tendergrill patties they come frozen with the sauce pre-applied and then we put them in the grill too.

Arjan said...

Those Chinese people really know how to feed tigers. People should stop whining about this way of feeding and do it all over the place! It's entertainment, useful, and not sad because that's the way nature goes :)

2nd vid: hahaha had a good laugh.

Marmite: I think I might have had a small taste..didn't like it.
Don't know if there are pure Dutch dishes: but for instance 'mashed potatoes and mashed apples' add syrup and that's real good food!

Abortion: tough call, use condoms or alternatives. But if even when using the above you get pregnant..and you find it out quick enough I can understand abortion in most cases. Probably a traumatic experience nonetheless.

Josie said...

Gledwood, you have such a great blog. I love visiting here. A real mixed bag.

I'm very anti-abortion, not on religious grounds, but on human grounds, and what you described here sums it up for me. This is the 21st Century for goodness sake, and there are so many other effective forms of birth control. As far as I am concerned, once a baby is "planted" in there, it's no longer just the woman's body, so it's not just her body she has "control" over when she is killing another human being. I shudder just thinking about it.

I now relinquish my soap box. :-)

I love Marmite, by the way. And Ovaltine too. Heh.

Deb said...

Gled we have Marmite here...my mother in law uses it all the time. She puts it in the veggie water and makes gravy out of it. Plus, she has it on toast.

And bangers and mash sounds awfully good right about now. I'm starving - have been on the go all day.

Zhu said...

I think Marmite was my biggest life disappointment so far - I had some in Australia (well Vegemite) but I thought it was Nutella at first. It wasn't. And I quite never forgave you guys for giving me false hopes ! :D

For the Blogroll... I'm from Ottawa, Ontario ;)

molson said...

"Bashful just arrogantly strode up to my pen, sniffed it, quickly bit it, turned on her bum and dashed off!"

Who knew you were raising a pack of were-robos there Gledwood? It might be best to watch out for the next full moon lest the were-robos of London come out to get you or your pens. Evil little swines indeed!

Christine said...

Ohhh I made our American version of Bangers and Mash tonight and it was just lovely. Really should be it's own food group :-)

Emperor Ropi said...

A Hungarian sport tv channel has a contract with an american one so we got it from the Versus

Gledwood said...

Carver: yeah I was wondering why the bridge had a top on it... what for...?..!...?

Leslie: Nutella is really good. You get quite a nice whisky tumbler/orange juice glass out of every pack free as well!

Squamer: o man! You got all the in-house jargon goin' there! By "patties"... you mean beefburgers, right?

Arjan: Re the tigers: even humans eat hens that were alive. I cannot see that our way of butchering them is any more humane than having them killed by a tiger, can you?

The "morning after" pill has just been made an over-the-counter medicine in this country... now they're complaining it's being over-used!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Vegemite! Yay...love the stuff!
It's lovely spread on toast with sliced tomato...yum.

You get such a lot of pleasure from your little hamsters, don't you, Gleds. I'm glad you have them, even if they do bite.

God, what an awful abortion story, it curdles my blood. I could never do that...I guess I'm lucky I didn't have to.

Guilty Secret said...

That's right, Guilty Secret is 100% secret, no-one in my life has a clue!

Gledwood said...

Josie: See what I said just above about the morning after pill: they give it out as freeforall (OK you pay $15 but if you ask you get it)... then they moan about too many people using it in the "wrong" way... They can even make a reversable vasectomy that works on a tap basis. Ie that you turn the tap on and off at will and are fertile/infertile... so far it has only been tested in dogs

Debs: Marmite is supposed to be a really good source of B Vitamins for those who might otherwise go deficient... its uses are neverending!

Zhu: O man! I'm sure I thought Ottawa was a province... maybe not... I don't remember now... I'm confused....

Molson: they are were-swines you are quite right

Gledwood said...

Christine: Bangers n mash rules (well it rules me at the moment bc I've been eating it daily!!)

Ropi: When I finally get to go interrailing again I definitely want to go Hungary... to me it is one of the most mysterious countries in Europe...

Puss-in-Boots: I will have to try the sliced tomato "thang"... to be quite honest I found Marmite and Vegemite to be pretty much the same... I did notice the vitamin balance varied though... but they are both yeast extract so they never ARE going to vary THAT much

Guilty Secret: Ooer I was going to keep this 100% secret but some of my family know I keep it (don't think they read it though) and a lot of my friends... that is the great thing about computer illiterate friends!!!!

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds, Yes im back''
oh Yum breakfast tomorrow Boiled eggs, vegemite soldiers.,
Answer were in a big drought and the country side is very dry. hoping for a few days of solid rain .were on water restrictions and only allowed to water garden plants 1hr a day twice a week . no watering of lawns or washing of cars.

ggirl said...

I think you're right about Americans not being able to tolerate Marmite. Sounds dreadful.

BTW, in America no one does 6 month abortions. It's been illegal for years.

Boris Pasternak is one of my favorite authors. He wrote poetry, too.

Enjoy the weekend, Gleds!

Gledwood said...

Jeanette: Very glad you got your computer back... so you're allowed 1 hour, twice a week... does that mean hosing or watering with a can/whatever?

We used to have a blanket hosepipe ban here for all people in London and environs baasically from May-September... and all because 1:3 of London water's pipes has a thunking great hole in it!!

GGirl: I'm glad you told me that thing about the 6month abortions... no-one tells us anything like that over here... they're trying to reduce the weeks here down to 16, I think...

Gledwood said...

Pasternak's/"Yurki's" poetry is in the last 50 pages of Dr Zhivago...

Kahshe Cottager said...

I think I will live just fine without ever experiencing Marmite or Vegemite but to do without a super spicy Caesar (clamato juince and vodka) - never! Bangers 'n mash ... love it at the local pub with a pint!

Gledwood said...

Yous Canadians seem to have awfully sophisticated pub food... I don't blame you for not liking a yukky clam flavour milkshake... ugh.

Did you know in Jordan they drink scorpion flavour milkshakes with hens' eggs?

Just kidding but shows how disgusing a "clam shake" must surely be!

Bimbimbie said...

Boiled egg and runny soldiers yes,
Marmite as a child but then went off it - don't like Vegemite either but the dog did - tip from the vet to get a puppy used to fingers in the mouth was to paste some on the nose (the dog's) - the cat liked it too.

... abortion always has to be a choice for the woman and her doctor to advice her, but I thought late term abortions were a thing of the past?

Akelamalu said...

MARMITE IS DELICIOUS!!!!

I read that report about abortion too and it filled me with horror!

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I think they reduced the longest time down from 28 weeks to 24. They're talking about reducing it again down to 20 or 16 weeks... but I'm not sure. This is all MPs talking OUT of parliament where their words are just bluster and guff!!

Akelamalu: I know gross wasn't it!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood