CLUCKING... I was in the mildest of mild withdrawals tonight. This is AFTER taking methadone, and that's why the situation was so very miserable.
To be frank I don't know what to say. I think I've said all that's TO be said about my miserable junkie existence. What did I do?
Scratted about for tiny residues in filters, in blood left in syringes (disgusting, I know but what else could I do?), cooked the entire lot of "finds" and plunged it sideways in my thigh. Earlier on I'd had a half-strength "hit" and was reduced to shooting up in my right knee.
This stuff grosses even ME out now. I mean what desperation. I have injected literally about EVERYWHERE except my goin and my neck.
Going in the groin (this is the deep femoral vein in the crook of the thigh) can lead to deep vein thrombosis, nasty abscesses and even amputation of a leg (I used to know a lovely French girl with 2 legs. Now she has 1...) She was doing methadone ampoules (ie pharmaceutical prescribed methadone for injection) plus Dexedrine (prescribed speed, not for injection but crushed up and banged up anyhow...) plus crack cocaine and ketamine (the so-called horse-tranquillizer; though actually it's a fast-acting anaesthetic for humans that trips you out. The film Tron was based on ketamine experiences...) in there.
Arms, wrists, hands, between fingers (where I once missed with a speedball (heroin/crack mix): very painful. Couldn't cross my two fingers for WEEKS...)... feet, ankles, shins, calfs, thighs, knees, behind knees, stomach, chest, just over nipples, shoulders... I've stuck needles in all these places.
Sometimes I feel like I'm falling falling very quickly into a brick wall.
Maybe then (and maybe only then) when I hit it will I finally STOP.
FROM THE NEWS: BILLIONAIRE'S SON (44) IN HEROIN/CRACK ARREST.
Now then aren't the rich rather silly sometimes... the son of multibillionaire founder of the drinks cartoning company Tetrapak, has been arrested on suspicion of heroin and crack cocaine possession.
Seems his WIFE got busted attemptedly bringing small amounts of both into the American embassy earlier in the day... she got arrested, which prompted a police search at the couple's £5 million ($10 million) Chelsea home...
£2000 worth of drugs were allegedly found there...
Hans Rausing is (according to the Daily Mirror) Britain's 6th richest man...
Click to read the full scandal from Metro...
From the Guardian
OK, here's a reprint as dated below. Found it quite at random earlier today... I kept the original comments as additional fun:~
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
The Seductive Process of Addiction
LIVING A DREAM HALF AWAKE: my favourite sort of day. When I can sit alone and, not having slept so well at night, and having drugged up I drowse and wake and drift between wakefulness and dreaming. It's in these states that I wonder whether dreams or wakefulness are really the more real... Not that I even needed drugs ever to drift out, disengage, dissociate. I do that so easily anyway... I question why heroin ever needed to come into the picture.
But drug-taking doesn't necessarily have the deep, dark roots that people so frequently ascribe to it. ("You must have been dreadfully hurt to be taking such hard, hard drugs")... isn't necessarily true at all. As the one perceptive psychiatrist I have ever met once told me: people take drugs because they make them feel good>> simple as. And I'm inclined to agree-- but only on one level. On another: many addicts do have all manner of pain and darkness and horrific things in their pasts. Some do. But there are as many reasons for using as there are people who use. In fact there are many many MORE reasons. Nobody does anything for just one reason, not in normality. Everything in life is multifaceted. Drug addiction, dull, depressing and overridingly BORING as it is in actuality, is no different.
How I got hooked on heroin is a long, long tale of caution intermittently thrown to the winds, of sadness, U-turns, resolutions broken and bad friendships. I willfully went out looking for heroin. I was very depressed and knowing the stuff might kill me the first time I took it only heightened its glamour. For two or three years I managed to keep my using to a one weekend a month type of basis (my tolerance was so small that in the beginning and when the drugs were good, I could get high four times by smoking £10 worth). Even so, there were times, looking back, having used the stuff every day for over a week that I was putting on layers of clothes, taking them off, never able quite to get the temperature right... I now know, with bitter hindsight that I was suffering very light withdrawal and not even knowing it. I'm glad I didn't know either, for that would have pushed me towards using. Another thing that put me off was the unpleasantness of scoring. Right from the beginning I was getting introductions directly to the dealers themselves, not going through a "middleman" junkie friend the way I subsequently found out (years too late!) that most casual users did. No, I had to do it different. And how I hated dealing with these people. The bad vibes I felt emanating from them like radiant shadows. (Contradiction, but I once saw that in an hallucination. A shadow-man walked towards me when I was alone, at night, in a huge industrial squat. Nobody to hear me scream. A shadow man effulging a light that literally engulfed me crept up to the cupboard where I was sleeping, opened the door, flooded me with light and bzzzz-PING! He vanished again. Leaving me in pitch darkness... In my early heroin days I knew somebody who would sell me small bits of methadone. Now for all the complaints junkies will make about methadone (mostly because it takes so very long to take effect, often two hours or more, when you really need it to). If you are nontolerant, methadone can make you pretty high. Only it takes, as I say, at least two hours to do this. Which I do not advise. For it is even MORE dangerous in overdose (being longer-acting) than heroin. So do not mess with the meth. OK? Anyhow, I gradually got into the habit of recreationally drinking this stuff until I was knocking back a small bottle every other day... Went away to stay with a friend out of town only to be hit by a mystery virus that made me hot and cold and sweaty and restless, gave me diarrhoea and had me waking absolutely drenched in sweat in the middle of the night ... I knew some naughty friends. They told me I was "sick" (ie in withdrawal). I didn't believe them but was more than willing to go along with an excuse to use heroin. Strangely, every dose of heroin I took mysteriously relieved this strange condition. It was only nearly two years later with much contemplation and hindsight that I looked back and realized: yes the seeds of my addiction were sown all the way back then. That was the first time in my life that someone gave me a "chill pill" (chloral betaine -- a kind of tranquillizer or sleeping pill) that I felt the "mellow" effects of, but it singularly failed to hit the right spot. That spot being the opiate spot. Only methadone and heroin hit that.
The sloping down of my addiction was a long and gradual and drawn-out process, so gradual in fact that to this day I cannot isolate a specific time or line I crossed from not being an addict to suddenly becoming one. So many little events occurred. From me willfully going out and scoring, experimenting in secret (I never had a bunch of heroin friends in the beginning. I knew the local junkies, but I used alone. And I kept the heroin part of my life very strictly separate from the rest of it.) I got more and more used to the drug. I tore myself repeatedly away. One afternoon having been in great internal conflict, meandering down the street I picked up what I had at first assumed to be a bag of sweets. This was no sweets. It was several grams of bagged up heroin. Enough to keep me high every afternoon for five weeks. That got me round my dislike of scoring and broke down a hugely important barrier: that of using every day. Of course I got a little habit. Came off it with strictly reducing methadone. That summer, the official version was that I was clean. I was not clean. I was using about once a week. What really did it for me was striking up a relationship with someone who had a ten year habit. She wanted to use at every opportunity that arose. How I loved that ride! ...
And so it went on.
And here I am now. Just remember this: how slowly or how gradually something happens means nothing in the end. Because -- whether you get there slowly or quick -- the destination is exactly the same.
Do not use heroin!
I'm knackered now, it is a quarter to two a.m. and I'm going to have to sign out. Will tell more tomorrow ...
Posted by Gledwood at 01:17
Labels: addiction, heroin
A margarida curiosa said...
Com certeza um blog secreto com verdades, que as vezes temos medo de dizer ou encarar.
Gosto de acompanhar "diários", me fazem pensar, questionar é como conhecer alguém..rs
Tens histórias e tantos por aqui não.
Gsoto muito de escrever, mas para o blog ainda me sinto timída para me expor, por mais que meus trabalhos falem por si mesmo.
Obrigada pela visita e pelo carinho, vou passar mais por aqui...beijos e uma ótima semana Sabrina
27 February 2007 02:20
Mine happened fast very fast sort of like my passions, my personality, the way I dive into other people with a dirty speed most people find frightening. (this is true.) I did the same with opiates. I dont understand how people are able to keep getting high past a year...
Unless they take 10 grams of pure heroin a day.
Another reason opposite to yous- my friends used to comment on how I had this ability to step into filth and like a tiny aton in a petri dish (this is how my friend said it) come out like nothing had happened. I think I never felt that corrupted by the awful things people did in the drug world. Of course I didnt see death or shootings but did deal with awful rotten mean just plain old MEAN people. I did understand that feeling of not being able to clean yourself clean enough but.. the next daya new day. I dontknow.
27 February 2007 02:23
Wish you were here to speak some french. Now send me your picture already... TAG!
27 February 2007 02:24
Your writing is so loose sometimes I have a hard time understanding where you are at now. Chronology. years. conceptual frameworks. I want FACTS in neat categories!!! You are slippery gledwood.
27 February 2007 02:24
Love this post... very well done. I can't relate but I certainly feel...
In regards to my blog, it is where I actually post the essays that I turn in for Film Studies class. Then, I use what I write to prepare for the test. So, you basically had it... lol. And am I up to what?
27 February 2007 05:42
first time visitor here. dope n drigs? i think those are dangerous and you are aware of them too.
thaks for stopping by..
27 February 2007 08:59
Ici mon nouveau commentaire des problemes sociaux du drogue en francais:
(Je l'ai envoye a un homme politique francais, a 10 h 40 ce matin!!)
Si vous vous interesse au politique il vous faut ouvrir les yeux aux problemes sociaux comme le drogue. Moi je fais un blogue de l'ultra-verite. J'est mon journal intime de mon junkie-vie. Je sais veritablement que vous l'aimeras. Mon url est gledwood2.blogspot.com. Pourquoi ne pas le visiter au jour'd'hui. Je vous attend!!
Alors, a bientot.
27 February 2007 10:43
Sabrina: Many thanxx for your comment. Here's my Portuguese reply:---
Meus cumprimentos muito especiais a meu amigo falador portuguese Sabrina! Muitos agradecimentos para seu comentário encantador que eu li esta manhã. Cheered realmente me acima. Eu estou contente você gostei de meu blog. Eu espero que este lhe venha claramente no português apropriado.
Todo o mais melhor de
27 February 2007 10:46
ca blogue francais s'apelle: http://ps-auber.typepad.fr/elus/
27 February 2007 10:47
I think lots of addictions begin with a long, slow slide. You don't know until you're already gone.
27 February 2007 18:23
WHERE ARE YOU FUCKING COME BY MY HOUSE SOMETIME
28 February 2007 17:44
28 February 2007 17:45
Chris Hiebert said...
Gledwood, I love your authenticity.
Your world is quite unkown to me and so I'll keep reading to know more of you and your world.
28 February 2007 19:12
Hello Gledwood!I liked the way how you told your story. I had a friend who suffered from heroin addiction but is already on his way to recovery. Heroin may have destroyed a part of his life but I told him maybe this is a test. I can somehow remember his pain when I read your blog. Keep it up. -dina
23 March 2007 10:09
Hi Gledwood! I find your post extra interesting and a big help. I have heard a lot about heroin but I think this is the first time I have ever come across a detailed testimony from a direct user. I just wonder why despite of its great potential for illegal use, there are there still many who have an easy access to it. What's the government doing?
26 March 2007 10:15
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