HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 04, 2008

Posting on my Blog: Hammies and Novels

ALL MY HAMSTERS HAVE BEEN HIDDEN for about three days in a tower of tartan baggage. Did feed and check on them before but piles and piles of things in new room have prevented any further excavation. Until this morning.

So Pingpong, the Chinese hammy (see largest picture for a similar specimen but with far smaller eyes) was last seen nibbling on yellow pepper. Spherical and Itchy were last seen trotting on their wheel 21 to the dozen and nibbling said same pepper's pumblechook (y'know, the seedpod bit in't' middle). Bashful, living up to her name, just appeared from the teabox as a pink nose and a beady pair of eyes. Because none has seen me for a while they were remarkably amenable to my putting my hand in and trying to stroke them (they quickly ping away; that's what Robos are like).

I chucked out bags and bags and bags of stuff. At least six; probably ten black bags full of rubbish, unwanted clothes and books. I did take some to the local hospice shop (much to Surlystein, the evil workman's derision) and had intended to take more. But the 6ft high tower of chuckings out (mine, Matran's, Laundretta's) got so mixed up and plundered by as many of the local populace as could get their hands on her innumerable handbags etc that taking any more turned into a dead loss. I'm just glad to say I don't seem to have lost, mislaid or accidentally chucked anything important.

As you can probably tell I did end up keeping a little more than intended. But when you're dirt poor it's very difficult to chuck out stuff like trainers (sneakers), cooking whisks and other things that take up room, room, room (plus books, books, books (loads of Laundretta's)... my life is enriched by lots of new Martina Cole, Jackie Collins' Drop Dead Beautiful (hmmm: I used to like JC for her bitter portrayals of 1970s funkiness and 1980s hypocrisy; then she seemed to turn into the characters she used to parody but her newer stuff, though lacking the old bite did keep me rivetted for over 10 pages...) also Mario Puzo The Sicilian. I thought the Godfather very well written for "trash" fiction... the bit in Sicily in the Godfather where the son falls in love is particularly well portrayed... Martina Cole, in case you don't know her, is a writer of crime books. They do tend to be a bit soap-opera-ish plus she cleaves to certain "facts" and phrases she appears to have learned in the course of a life's research that I've never heard used: e.g. "hag" (aggro) "gettin' a capture", "funky Brixton" (the prison, though I'm sure that area of London with its clubs, pubs, bars, Jamaican shops etc etc is far funkier than the boring old lock-up) and so on ... the back page reads: "the person who tells it like it really is" ... (in Essex, which she writes about best. Well they do say write what you know. I found her portrayal of junkies quite offensive though. Well ~ hey ~ whatever...)

OK I really must go it is half past midday. For the past week I've barely slept properly. Last night I was in bed by six. Slept till around one. Slept again till four. Four a.m. wake-up suits me. If you sleep those kind of hours you can avoid the worst of the world...

I've not forgotten my promise to continue the London post with a more personalized selection of "real" places. Please bear with me while I compose the blinkin' thing. (I either post on paper and bang it in or just bang it in directly as here. That's why my blog is so rough and unready ~ harhar.)

Righty-ho then!


BIANCA'S JACKSON FIVE: This is absolute classic. A BBC trailer for their "top" soap EASTENDERS; ginger whinger Bianca, now a single mother of FOUR makes a return after nearly a decade away... chucked out of her house and following the petroleum scent of the car-mechanic love of her life she always called (at the top of her considerable voice) "RICK-AAAY!"...



EastEnders got the UK's highest ever rating for a soap, peaking at 30.15 million viewers (more than HALF the population: that would be equivalent to a soap ratcheting up 150 million + in the USA...) when Den served Angie divorce papers in the Queen Vic in 1986...

I had to put something funny up there I'm so mightily depressed this evening I wish I could just get extinguished for ever.

OTHER VID: Elephantine Self-Portrait

22 comments:

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Glad you are finally moved into your new room and I hope you will be happier there.
Thank you for your e mails and good wishes for Vicki. I hope her operation is scheduled soon.
Take great care, my friend, Regards,
Merle.

Marty a.k.a.hipper said...

Love your guide to urbis Londinium, truly the Centre of the Universe in every way. I have countless photos taken of myself over the years standing at that infamous 0-0-0 mark under the bronze and neon. Speaking of which -- don't forget the nearby Chinatown!!

BTW, nearly clean but nowhere near serene ...

Anonymous said...

Do you think your hamsters have memories like what goldfish have been accused of? I'm just wondering because they seem to not know you after their three days. Or do they ALWAYS ping away? Just curious ... :) I once had to print thousands of promotional black and white Jacky Collins photographs for a new book promotion, mysteriously she looks the same twenty years later!

Josie said...

Hi, Gledwood. I think it's a good idea that you threw out a bunch of junk, oops, I mean le junque. It's always good to get rid of stuff when you move.

We all want to hear stories of your new digs.

Vincent said...

Good going mate! 10 bags is a lot of stuff. Glad you found your hamsters again :-)

Deb said...

gleds...I'm very practical and have a hard time throwing out anything...especially something that I may need at some point. I'm curious as to how you feel about the move...I know it's exciting to start fresh, but do you miss Laundretta? Will you get to see her anymore?

CrystalChick said...

Hello! Glad you were able to take less to your new place. Wishing you good times.
Your London info was great. I would sooooo love to travel but everything is so expensive. Hubby and I are considering a trip this year but what I've looked into so far is $$.

'Pierogi' (I think I spelled it wrong before) are polish/slavic dumplings stuffed with different things like mashed potatoes, sauerkraut, cheese, spices. They usually come frozen, you boil them, then maybe saute with some olive oil or butter to brown. Cook with onions, spices or whatever one likes. Serve with gravies or sour cream. I sometimes just olive oil and parmesan cheese.
They are very filling and very yummy! Do try them sometime if you get the chance. I would guess they are in a regular grocery store in the frozen section.
Have a nice weekend! :)

Baino said...

Hey Gledwood. The London stuff is fantastic. My nephew is there now and my daughter heading over in June so I've sent her the link. Hope you grew out of your malaise.

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds. Nice to hear your now getting settled in your new room less a few bags of unwanted items..
I read a lot of Danielle steel, Catherine Cookson, Di Morressey, The last two are always set in outback Ausralia.. Take great care your Aussie friend Jan.

Janice said...

Hi Glends,

I'm sure you wont even miss the stuff you tossed. I hope you enjoy your new home too.

I think your little robos maybe a little upset by the move. Just give them some time and I'm sure they'll be fine.

Janice~

Mousie/Paisible said...

hello my friend I've had no computer for weeks, back now...glad you have a new room, sure it will be nice...the little animals are cute...thanks for your messages...love to all...

lettuce said...

gled that vid could be genuine - there was a prog. about elephant art a few weeks ago. i taped but haven't watched it yet....


i hope you are feeling cheerier and sleeping better.

tartan luggage?

Akelamalu said...

I love Martina Cole and we have all her books. I can understand you not throwing away everything, it's a hard thing to do!

Anonymous said...

Just checking you haven't been extinguished for ever!

I also spelt Jackie's name wrong ...

Bimbimbie said...

How's the new room - is it the room change that's messed up your sleeping pattern do you think?

Gledwood said...

Merle: Cheers Merle I really hope it's all resolved soon with your niece

Marty aka Hipper: Chinatown no I shall NOT! Thanxx for the tip!

Anon: Robbies DO have memories but associative ones and packed in tartan up to the gills for a few days they did not associate my hand with Spherical panicking which is what she does. They r v flighty animals so I'm not joking they ping around anyway; that's just what they do...

Jackie Collins: see what I mean about her turning into her lampoons now?

Josie: when the stories occur, then I shall tell 'em. I'm actually hoping NOTHING of note shall happen. That means I shall be leading a quiet life. Which is good for me; bad for me blog, haha!

Gledwood said...

Vincent: cheers I feel better; the stuff is piled deliberately UP to make me "address" it if ya know what I mean... I have one 3/4 empty huge packing case, one nearly all empty HUGE suitcase and another massive suitcase all waiting to take assorted things. 1ce I've made the assortment...

Crystal: hey I was thinking of trying out stuffed dumplings for myself next stewtime... never knew anyone else had tried it... OK in the course of human history obviously someone must've but I mean never realized they were a respectable recipe I must try em out... glad ya liked London I'm posting more in a day or 2 soon as I can get round to it; a more unique "personal" guide

Debs: Junk: if you've ever been or felt destitute... well ya know what I mean it's so much easier said than done and also a sign in some ways of our throwaway society. In times past it was "make do and mend" and you would not chuck out anything of practical value... then again little things probably had a selling value that don't have nothing today... shame... such a sign of the times!

Laundretta: kind of... supposedly we will get to meet. She ventured 4ward that we should... I have to deliver junk mail to her anyhow so that's good

Baino: malaise... still not feeling brilliant but thanks for the wishes ... I hope your daughter and nephew have a great time I shall be posting up a more personal and unique guide to the less tourist-trodden environs v soon (coupla days...) ;->...

Gledwood said...

Jeanette: I never heard of Di Morrisey... HAVE read Colleen McCullough's The Thorn Birds which for a romantic bestseller... wow! ~ it's amazing! Amazingly well written... I know she's done other books but I've seen them they don't seem anything like the same... I spose I should give them a try. I hate "romantic" fiction; D Steel protests she is not but writes JUST like a romance writer. My Mum loves her stuff; I just don't get how she got into print... Back to C McCullough: as long as she's on the "general" side of romance I could probably face her stuff (long as it's GOOD)!

Janice: the robbies probably just appreciate the enchanced PEACE they got nowadays... no you're right I've missed NOTHING! Because I used NOTHING that I chucked!

Mousie: How fantastic to hear from you!... what happened to your computer?... or is that an involved story?... Do try and get online soon... why don't you start a daily diary blog like mine and Ruth's (Ruth's used to be) Ruth having a LOT of PC troubles also "the anniversary" soon. Ruth if you're reading this you're in my thoughts I'm v sorry

Lettuce: not tartan luggage ~ washing bags. Y'know those gigantic 99p ones...

;-...

Gledwood said...

Aaargh! That was meant to be:~

;->...


Akelamalu: what do you think of Martina Cole? D'you agree with my "soap opera" accusation? Do you think she's a 1st rank crime writer? Do you agree about the Selective Slang... stuff I dunno about you but I've only ever heard Martina Cole come out with!!!

Anon: not extinguished 4eva... did sleep LONG though so I spose I KINDA got my wish... JC; yeah I know who cares! Spose you do though if ya workinthat trade...

Bimbimbie: it's the xtreme FATIGUE of moving that's messed up the pattern more than anything else... the new room is FAR BETTER (though even smaller) than the old one

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I have left an award for you on my blog. It is called a "Ewe Rock" award. With all the music and videos you post, I reckon you must rock!! Take care, Regards, Merle.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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