HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Up My Sleeve

AT LONG LAST I've formulated another plan. Found an opening. That might get me a little more attention. But I cannot post my plans half-baked or actions undone. Just to let you know I am live and thinking...

Still I am feeling depressed. Every time I stop and have nothing imminent to happen or to do, I'm left feeling the great black hole inside forcing its gravitational force against my extremities... sucking me up... imagine I'm wailing into the reverbational echoes of hyperspace now as I yell: aaarrrrggghhhh!!!

And still I don't feel I'm sleeping long enough or properly. Still that light dazzling the brain behind the eyes and blinding me to whatever rich tapestries the world has woven round me...

Well that's what little me is supposed to say. I'm not supposed to say my world is bleak and harrowing because I've made it that way. I'm meant to see merely a dazzling multiplicity of eventualities that I might make my own through consistent striving...

As if!

Record-breaker. These are highlights of Britain's highest-ever rated soap episode, Christmas 1986 and an audience of 30.15 million... as I said that's over half the nation so imagine 150 million + watching Stateside and you have some grasp of this tellyshow's magnitude at it's very peak...

EastEnders ~ a telly prog that in its heyday attracted a massive following both male and female from across the nation. You couldn't score drugs when it was on. Probably could now because many many folks, including me, have dropped it from their "must watch" and now merely catch it while they can...

If you're unfamiliar with the drama, the episdoe has been pared down to just the central characters: Den and Angie Watts, landlord and lady of the Queen Vic boozer and their daughter Sharon. In a desperate effort to save their long-failing marriage, boozing and Valium-popping Angie has lied to Dennis that she has "only 6 months to live"... unluckily he overheard her confessing this to a stranger on a train...

Now the do-dos are about to hit the fan:~

(... and in the very last scene we see Pauline Fowler, spotting her dreary daughter Michelle (never liked her) conversing with Den and Den handing her money... now Pauline realizes at long last who actually IS mysteriously absent Daddy to her granddaughter...)


Me and My Puppies: Life Through A Lens

My Journey Through Life (Malaysia)


Eileen said...

I think alot of people can relate to the way that you are feeling. Sorry to hear that you are down at the moment. The only way that I was ever able to overcome severe depression was to stop beating myself over the head with the guilt stick. You have made some choices that you simply can't undo, it doesn't mean that you are bound to them. I don't presume to know what a drugs addiction is like to contend with, so please don't take this the wrong way. Take care.

Akelamalu said...

You know that sleeping a lot is a symptom of depression don't you honey? Have you been to the docs? If not perhaps you should think about it.x

jim dandy said...

I have not heard of that television show before now. I myself only just heard of and purchased all 3 seasons of BOTTOM. Now THAT is some funny shite! I love the Britt humour!

jim dandy said...

I have not heard of that television show before now. I myself only just heard of and purchased all 3 seasons of BOTTOM. Now THAT is some funny shite! I love the Britt humour!

Bimbimbie said...

Eastenders and Coronation Street was shown on free tv here for a while in the 80's. Not sure if they are on pay tv now? But I found Eastenders a wee bit gloomy.

Just a thought, but when I feel anxious about anything it always seems heightened with the dark of the moon. It's at that phase at the moment. And I'm sure I heard about some research into moonlight and how it's just as important to our well being (if not more?) than sunlight *!*

Vincent said...

Hey, you put the clips -below- the story now. I like! :-)

@ Jim: Bottom is fantastic. Most of Rick Mayal's stuff is though.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I agree. Many more people than you imagine can understand how you are feeling, Gleds. You are NOT as alone as you think. Love from Sicily xx

Carver said...

I'm the same way sometimes when there isn't anything I feel like I have to do. Those are the times it's easy for me to slip under the covers.

M- Filer said...

Well, I'll look forward to reading about this plan of your as it unfolds or begins to get traction...which ever comes first.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I nver watched Baywatch, or East-Enders, did see some CoroEation Street many many years ago. Can you make yourself unpack one box or half of it and then do the same the next time you have some energy. A little at a time and it soon gets done. and you do feel so much better by achieving something. Some jobs seem too big, but by doing a little at a time, it's not so bad. It's the getting started that is hard. Take care of
yourself, are you eating OK?
Very best wishes, Merle.

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

Hope you feel better Gleds. Down is an awful state to feel.
As for that woman you were asking about and what she may hve meant...I haven`t the slightest idea. She sounds a bit "one brick short" somehow LOL


Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds, Sorry to hear your feeling so down and depressed, you must seek help from a Doctor,
But please get up do a little cleaning, unpacking a box or go for a walk every day.It helps to achieve something everyday..

Gledwood said...

Eileen: I hear what you're saying. That guilt stick is pretty intrinsic to the depressed state. Which is no excuse to stop hitting self on head with it :->...

Akelamalu: yeah maybe I SHOULD go I've not been to my gp for over 2 yrs in fact cannot remember when I last DID go...

Jim: Bottom that finished ages ago it is very ... actually that I would say is an outgrowth of the pantomime/music-hall stage tradition. Big difference between British and American comedy and drama even British derives far more from the stage, American (TV) looks to the movies for its cues

Bimbimbie: o I can find out what channel for you it was on the EastEnders wikipedia link let me clickit...

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: EastEnders is on UKTV in Australia the link is:~

Vincent: yeah even I got fed up of fighting through 10 decades worth of mamas and papas vids haha

Welshcakes: cheers, i hope they do

Carver: thing is i keep trying to conjure new things up. usually they turn into doggie-doings...

Gledwood said...

MFiler: only reason I can't say is that if I publish before putting it to someone then they read my blog it will be really cart b4 horse...

Merle: I'm eating OK because I bought stuffed pasta and frozen fish in sauce... I had to actually clear up my mess from boxes all over the place then I can start unpacking I have 3 enormous suitcases to put stuff into that are presently empty and making the place look extremely cluttered when actually it's not QUITE so cluttered....

TeaMargaritas: one brick short of a brick shithouse? or of what haha. I'm one skewer short of a BBQ.... could do with a nice smokey bbq actually...

Jan: VERY slowly the room's getting done though I realized it's not really getting much improved any quicker than its getting dirty so i better put some more welly in it. really better had go dr. as not been in AGES and need to go. being drug clinic customer confuses this all


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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood