HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Pasta Exhaustion

I'M SO UTTERLY EXHAUSTED today I have that perpetual gritty feeling... you know when you've tired eyes... smoky eyes... etc ... (as the Optrex ad intones...) well that's the feeling in my head. A systemic grittiness of the soul that only sleep can balm... and yet I cannot seem to get enough of it. Every time I lay my head down I appear to sleep for about ten minutes (I know I've not slept for long as the same crap's on telly.)

That is moving room. Not even house but room. It felt like a housemove. All the stress of a housemove. And I gutted my old room down to nothing at all... My big problem of clutter boils down to having moved enough stuff for a flat in Bristol that never happened into a single room in London... not clever...

Well I'm off now to cook value mushroom tortelloni, broccoli florets and posh cheese... might even spash out and obtain cod-in-parsley to garnish it... I have to go before this inner grit gets too gritty (wish I could have what people normally mean when they say "grit" ~ as in moral fibre type stuff. I could really do with some of that; but hey...)

And tomorrow (at long-promised last): Gledwood's Guide to London...


PS: Am I the only person in the world to get heartily annoyed by the increasingly current practice of queueing up in the supermarket (and not only is half the time queueing taken up waiting for the last person to pack up and leave but that's another issue) but getting stuck behind people who insist on paying for four or five items with plastic cards... despite being nearly a decade into the 21st century they are STILL far slower than cash, plus the customer behind has to do a big whistling-and-looking-at-the-ceiling display of not looking at the PIN as it gets ostentatiously tapped in ... all British cards use chip-and-pin instead of signature these days: they had too much trouble with people "kiting" stolen cards and nobody used to check signatures properly (did YOU ever get asked to re-sign? See what I mean~??)... yeah anyway QUEUES... STANDING IN LINE with NEEDLESS DELAY... TODAY! in the 21st century when Marvel Comics told us we would be hovering in and out of motherships in green bubblepods ... AARKH I HATE IT.

PS RUTH of the Gardening Blog "Me, My Life, My Garden" is temporarily back, though still "sans PC" as she says... new post: clickon her name...

24 comments:

Nessa said...

That pasta looks good.

The past month seemed like no one could get enough sleep. I could wallow in dreamland forever if my dog didn't force me out of bed.

Gledwood said...

Doggie forces you out of bed? Yay, I took that literally for a sec there... o I see with weewee times etc., o man!

Bimbimbie said...

I think you've discovered the art of power naps or was it granny nap? *!*

gledwood said...

Power naps... o yeah: I'd forgotten about them. It IS me btw I'd just signed out when your msg appeared...

Bimbimbie said...

how are you feeling - have you eaten?

Eileen said...

If there is one thing in the world that is WORSE than looking for an apartment it is most certainly finding one and moving into it. For YEARS I was an expert at the ghetto move (by use of shopping carts etc). Now since things have changed and I am a weeee bit more responsible, I have the luxury of being able to hire movers and watch them bust themselves.

Re; check out lines....grrrrrr I HATE them. Over here there are these horrible mega shopping stops that provide the option of pit stop scanners that allow one to check themselves out. What I have noticed is that THEY NEVER WORK and as a result are more time consuming and a hellofalot more frustrating. I personally enjoy people in line ups that like to get their cart right up against you so that the wheels are scraping at your heels. Gawd grant me patience......

Looking forward to tomorrow's post. FYI I found your tip on referencing the Time Out magazine super helpful, it was just what I was looking for. Merci!

Vi said...

I'm sorry but I believe people paying cash takes longer... especially the little old biddies who want to give the exact change, paying practically all with coins!

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: feeling better, ta. still no sleep. hotel babylon came on ~ a series everyone loves to say is crap. which it is. but also EVER so watchable if you have an appetite for crap. which 95% of us do...

Eileen: it's only a guide to central London as is... I was going to add some "real" areas that are worth seeing if you want to

Vi: what annoys me about cash payers is when they KNOW they're going to do that and yet FAIL to get the bloody cash ready during the whole over-extended bleep-and-scan episode... THAT's annoying... don't you count up in the queue? I always do... also I like to add up the exact bill (sometimes) as a stupid mindgame in the isles. but not always. the only precision i do in change is if e.g. £8.09 I give £10.09 to get £2 change not £1.91 that is possibly EVEN MORE annoying ~ hahar!¬

Anonymous said...

I ate mushroom tortelloni for dinner and was exhausted afterwards because ate too much! Also always pay cash, usually with a fifty dollar bill. Heehee

zen wizard said...

Do they have "Self Service Checkout" in England?

That is where you sack it yourself and save. (No ugly hooker jokes, please!)

This is a pretty good innovation, but never underestimate the ability of an idiot to overcome progress.

A couple things go wrong: There are usually four checkout computers, and people don't know whether to form two lines or one.

One would seem logical to me.

There is this computer voice that sounds like the computer that fell in love with Captain Kirk on Star Trek that tells you what to do.

Sometimes she is really nice--but she can adopt this bitchy tone: E.g., "PLEASE put the last item BACK in the bag!"

And when she says, "Please take your receipt and your change...thank you for shopping Kroger!" she has this slight tone of, "Please get your crap and get out of here!"

I mean, I guess my expectations are a little high--it would be nice if every once in a while, she would say, "After you put your stuff in the trunk, come back through the 'Employee's Only' door and I will give you one righteous hummer!"

Then there are people who can't find the SKU to ring up their shit--like it is some puzzle off of "Where's Waldo?" or something...then they put there freakin' Swanson's frozen broccoli in the plastic sack like it is their blazer from Her Majesty's Coldstream Regiment of Foot Guards or something and they can't put a crease in the freakin' broccoli box.

I especially hate when the female robot voice says, "Do YOU qualify for a Senior Citizen Discount?"

That is especially hurtful...

I spent a lot of money on Nivea Under-Eye Treatment for Men and I am not under any delusion it is working, but a little tact would be appreciated.

What is looming over me like Death in an Ingmar Bergman movie is the fact that in less than ten years, I WILL qualify for a Senior Citizen Discount.

lettuce said...

yeah! bring on the green bubble pods!

Akelamalu said...

You've moved then? How's the room and how was the pasta?

Gledwood said...

Anon: pasta has that weird soporific effect... most odd...

ZenWizz: in some areas (but nowhere in London that I know of) we get a thing where self-scanning lets you tot up your own bill... then you pay yourself without ever passing a member of staff... every now and then they randomly check so shoplifters must protest "I DID scan those really expensive bottles of wine and whiskey..."(!!)

Lettuce: green bubblepods: if only! imagine the cost-savings on fuel...

Akelamalu: new room cluttered with semi-packing semi-UNpacking... old room has about one black bag worth of detrius left over I'm about to clear right now!

Tea N. Crumpet said...

I grew up with the Mammas and the Papas. . . the music brings back memories!

d. chedwick bryant said...

I could never sleep the way that kitten is sleeping. Don't think I haven't tried.

Loved the bright happy videos!

CrystalChick said...

Mmmm... pasta anything is yummy. I made perogies with sauteed onions the other day. Delish.
Seems we do spend alot of time in lines. I was going to do a blog one day about all the minutes ticking away while we're waiting, at the bank, at the grocery, etc. I actually looked up info. on how much time we spend in lines but forget the specifics now.
I slept terrible last night... last couple nights actually. Change of weather? I haven't moved so that's not it.

daffy said...

I hate supermarkets. I feel like they treat us like cattle, herding us in, they treat us like idiots putting all the long date stuff at the hardest to reach corner of the shelf cos they think we are a bit dim. They belittle us with tempting treats at the check out so we keep spending til the very last minute...
I've started shopping at our local village stores again... you know the ones, where you go to one shop and get your meat...another to get your veg.... yes I know it's not 'all under one roof' but I feel like I am in charge!
Phew! That little rant was a long time coming! :o)
Hope you get some sleep soon!

Gledwood said...

Tea&Crumpet: they are the best American 60s pop and I'd say the Beatles were best of all (more classic hits) I think I prefer the Mamas & Papas sound tho...

DCB: I've ended up sleeping like that. Felt like a roast chicken must when being deprived of its drumsticks...

Crystal: what on earth are perogies!?? Weather suddenly better here. Far more like springtime...

Daffy: yeah it's meant to be way better on the old carbon footprint doing that. I feel annoyed queueing up to HAND OVER MONEY and yet being treated like THEY'RE doing ME a favour! Also why on earth wait for people to continue packing. They used to have a separator so 2 people could pack at once. Why not widen the till-end and bring that back? (grrr! etc...)

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Yes, it does look good. Moving is always stressful! Everybody pays cash here so the queues move quite quickly.

M- Filer said...

So, did you get rid of all your excess shit?

barb michelen said...

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Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: all cash buyers in Sicily? Is that Mafia or the fact that only the relatively rich own properties..??

MFiler: yeah man loads of excess shit is GONE now ~ YEAH!!!!

Barb:
SPAM! thanx but no thanx darlin

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood