HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Howard Hughes and I...

WE ARE CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH... I have never seen anybody in a film who was so similar to me and the way I might have lived if I had vastnesses of money and the time, power and inclination to follow my own whims to a fault...

Readers who've followed my blog for a while and read my From Depressed Oaks childhood post will know that I grew up with pretty full-on OCD of the contamination-handwashing variety for a couple of years in late childhood (around the last year of primary school into the first year of secondary school; that kind of time...)

So viewing Scorsese's film on Howard Hughes last night I saw an awful lot that I've done. Not locking myself naked in a room full of films and peeing into specially aligned milkbottles (though I DID end up stashed in a room a metre deep in rubbish and rubble, convinced people were spying on me and listening to nonexistenct voices through the wall). No: what I'm getting at is the milder, earlier stages when he got the first fear of germs and contamination and had to wash hands over and over. I washed mine until ~ in wintertime ~ they chapped and bled. I couldn't pick up money from off the floor. Particularly copper coins with their dirty appearance and strong smell. Just like in the clip I could not leave a public bathroom unless someone else first entered (public toilet doors are the most filthily contaminated of all)... many doors at home I used to open with my elbows, causing, of course, lots of amusement. But better to be laughed at and remain clean than to be contaminated.

Many of Hughes's subtler moves I can't help wondering whether the average viewer even noticed, let alone got. E.g. when the senator serves him a glass of water; he has to edge it round and round so as to touch with his own hands those parts untouched by the servants' ... would YOU have got that?

Sometimes in days of ambition yet misery, I envisage myself, too, in a huge house cut off from the world. Though I wouldn't tape up strips of red tape all about, I CAN see myself turning into something of a recluse away from the nasty old world... and really, knowing how nasty and full of spite the world really is, who can blame anyone for doing so?



Oh I don't know. Having had this "cold" for a week, I spent the weekend feeling dismally low and tired. The most negativistic thoughts have been circling my head. I missed Sunday lunch at Mother Hubbs' yesterday, not because I was avoiding her but because I was so exhausted I simply retired to bed and missed everything until approaching 8pm when the most dreadful television impinged on my sorry consciousness... "you MIGHT be Nancy!" exclaimed Graham Norton... on a dreadful BBC "reality" casting show... putting together a West End re-run of that classic done to death my my own thirtysomething generation (we all sang the songs at school)... poor wannabes and hopefuls, full of varying talent being told useless factoidal advice like "you don't want this enough" (in other words you don't jump up and down like a slavering fool as much as I'd like to see, you keep your energy for performance like any professional with half a measure of nous)... and other such nothingnesses sayings...

... what was ON TOP of the television caught my eyes... yes! My mirrored roborovskery! They were all so lovely and so cute, little gremlins last night. Allowing me to rub their shoulders in sleep (they love that)... even Spherical did so... SO unlike the paranoid-pinging Spherical...

... then they woke up a bit more and took to pinging about like a tubby horse-race. I put them in the diggery for three hours and their fur's now sublimely well-tended.

On that note I'd better go. Valium Marilyn's threatened visit is taking place as we speak... her vivacious voice is hollering up the hallway!... and the longer you leave her, the louder she gets!!... Have a pleasant day everybody!!

;->...

21 comments:

Steve said...

You might also find the movie Body/Anti Body interesting. It's about an OCD guy in his apartment who rarely goes out, but then gets involved with the woman living across the hall.

Patti said...

I have my own little quirks but I work hard at not letting them "overtake me".

Akelamalu said...

I believe most people have some sort of OCD Gleds but it's only when it takes over your life that it becomes a real problem. Do you still obsess about things or have you gone completely the opposite?

Fancy you missing your Sunday lunch at Mother Hubbards - not like you that.

Gledwood said...

Steve: Never even HEARD of Body/AntiBody...

hey did you ever hear of a (Brit) sitcom called Game On~? It's about a guy who inherits a flat (from dead parents, so the implication goes, but they're barely mentioned...) he stays in all day basically messing around and doing nothing and living off the rent his 2 flatmates bring in ...

Cannot remember the names of any stars apart from Samanthaj Anus who was the "next best thing" as a "hot Brit (strictly-TV) actress"... Janus is now on top soap EastEnders... hmmm THAT is a great detour, well

o yeah; point was I heard an American version was coming out but I doubt it ever made it to your screens...

Patts: they only overtook me really bad (apart from the room full of rubble, and that started out v slowly. took AGES to get to 3 ft deep) when I was a kid aged 11, 12 whatever 1st yr 2ndary school

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: hey you commented JUST as I was pressing return with those 2 above...

Yeah you're damn right EVERYONE has the obsessive gene it's just a degree of activation. Definitely

Missing Sunday lunch no I'm NOT like that, specially as they're doing lamb as well as chicken (even I got sick of "chicken every Sunday", though it is a great Dolly Parton song...)

tut-tut said...

Frankly, at this point people will just have to deal with me and my quirks. I got tired of hiding out myself, so I just work through my nervousness as best I can, and if there is someone around who finds it strange, too bad!

sofia said...

hi Gled!!! your`re far too kind!!!
it`s me who has to thank you!!!
and your portuguese is not so bad!!!:)
i haven`t so much time to comment your blog as i wanted to, but when i can i`m sneacking around your things hihihihi
hope you`re fine
big big kisses!!!

Gledwood said...

TutTut: here here that's the only attitude TO have. if people don't like you they can bugger off... and as for people understanding you... well I don't know about you, but when I realized whether or not I got understood didn't matter in the slightest it was one of the biggest liberations of my tiny little life haha!

Sofia: Sofia darling my Portuguese came from Google Translate. it is nonexistent!! I DO speak a bit of French and German though...

o man I gotta go it's 10 past 8 i'm missing EastEnders haha BYEEEE!! ;->...

Bimbimbie said...

Those copper coins were horrible and smelly. I can recall my dad always telling us to wash our hands after handling money. Pocket money was always the copper stuff *!*

Did the OCD disappear gradually disappear as you went through secondary school?

deborah wilson said...

Gledwood,

Actually, a fear of things contaminated with germs is not so far off the mark. Things ARE contaminated with germs.

I too have a fear of germs, although it has never became a problem for me.

Plain and simple - I just don't like nastiness. And I'm well aware of how germs and diseases can be transfered very easily between humans.

Things I do -

1.) I clean my cell phone everyday with alcohol and never let strangers use it. I also clean my remote control once a week with alcohol.

2.) I keep alcohol swaps in my purse just in case I ever have to use a public phone or use a public restroom.

3.) I keep my bathrooms at home cleaned with bleach and lysol - and when company comes over, if they use the toilet, after they leave, I clean the bathroom again.

4.) I wipe down all of my door knobs with lysol and/or bleach every week, more often if company comes over.

5.) I always was my hands after handling money.


I don't think people realize just how many germs (and possibly air-borne diseases) are transfered everyday via public settings. For instance, how many people use the restroom and/or public phone in one day at a local Wal-Mart or other big store? Hundreds. How about an amusement park or foot ball stadium??? Thousands.

But, our immune systems are able to counter most of the germs that we come into contact with. Therefore, I'm just cautious and not paranoid.

It's the potential for air-bornes diseases that worry me most. What is so scary about air-borne, is that one would never know it's there - you can't see it coming.

Baino said...

I don't think I have OCD but my kids refer to me as 'anally retentive' when it comes to cleaning and tidiness. I think they're overreacting. *spies cobweb on the curtain rod*

Gledwood, interesting that you suffered as a child, maybe it's part of your addictive makeup. I really believe there are those who have addictive tendencies, I'm like that . . whether it's relationships, smoking, drinking or food . .although my drugs of choice are legal .. they are drugs nonetheless. Trying hopelessly to get on the wagon and give up smoking at the moment.

I hope you're man flu is clearing up.

Oh, I don't do public toilets . . .maybe I am a little OC after all.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I desperately WANTED it to go away and yes it did kind of disappear gradually... I still don't remember the 1st time I opened a public toilet door with my hands without feeling utterly contaminated by the experience... however I DO remember even up to 10 years ago, age 26, STILL getting the repetitive thoughts I used to have "if such and such happens you will die of cancer" that I had during my "breakdown" as a 10-year-old kid!

Deborah: apparently coughing into your hand is the WORST thing you can do... because of course you then open doors, handle books etc etc get the germs everywhere... colds are spread by rubbing the eyes...

... I've heard a those antibacterial sprays cumulatively are doing more harm than good by decreasing our group immunity to ordinary "nasties" and that a certain degree of dirtiness is actually "good for us"!

(Such a thought would have flipped my lid in OCD's-ville!!)

Baino: I hate that phrase "anally retentive". Any excuse for that fraud Freud to refer to an anus. Well that's my view!!

Strangely, re addiction and addictive personality I always used to be the sort of person who COULD stop drinking when I chose (no matter how tipsy I may've been)... could have drugs on me in a club and decide "this much no more"... strange... well NO NOT strange at all that heroin got me heroin gets anyone so I suppose it says absolutely nothing about me. Except that I was fool enough to try the rubbish!!

Man flu. Man flu! What is it with this bloody "flu" it is a common. VERY common. Intensely VULGAR COLD!!! <;->... <:->...

Ces said...

I think that most children go through the handwashing fixiation temporarily in grade /primary school. My own son and my neighbor's daughter went theough it at the same time. He decided that he had to tie his daughter's hands behind her back when she washed them. I thought that was horrible and abusive. She already was in so much stress. In the meantime I just let my son do his thing and then made sure I applied lotion or vaseline to prevent drying. When it bled, I applied antibiotic cream. He eventually got out of it and decided to move on to another fixation - pushing my buttons :-)

Gledwood said...

pushing your buttons: literal as WELL as metaphorical? or the same metaphorical ones kiddies the world over know so expertly how to press and when ..??!?

;->...

Daisy said...

Just stopping by to say hi.

Hope you're feeling better.

Gledwood said...

a little bit. ta!

The Furry Bambinos said...

Hello! Thanks for visiting us at our blog!

We have not heard of roborovski hamsters before. They are adorable! However, I am sorry to say that The Furry Bambinos would probably view them as prey! Guess it's safe to assume that you don't have a cat?

Your blog is amazing. I admire your courage and honesty. I haven't watched The Aviator yet. I bought it at the suggestion of a close friend, but haven't had the guts to watch it yet.

"Mom Sue" and Padre, Panda Bear, and Meerkat (The Furry Bambinos)

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ That video of Leona was wonderful and so like Whitney Houston's version. I do not like Dolly Parton's even though she wrote it. Thanks for sharing that with us. Sorry your cold is still about,must soon leave you. Glad you got out of the OCD and a lot of us check and re-check on things. Thanks for your comments and when you feel better, maybe you will start doing more things. Hope you see a daffodil soon. Take care, Love and best wishes, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Furry Bambinos: roborovski hamsters would barely make a snack even for a kittie, let alone a human (chicken nugget-sized when skinned, defurred, de-eared etc and deboned there'd be so little left they're barely worth catching) ~ SO DON'T HUNT ROBOROVSKIS!!

Merle:
I agree with you about Dolly Parton. Most of her stuff I like (Jolene especially), but her own "I Will Always Love You" is so whiney and... just not good; I know precisely what you mean.

OCD is only an exaggeration of the ordinary human proclivity for checking and re-checking, ordering, patterning and repeating. If we didn't have OCD we probably wouldn't have wallpaper... or a gerzillion other things I cannot summon to mind right now but know that do rely upon an obsessive/repetitive nature to produce them!

I think the daffodil season is over, but!

The cold is finally going ~ hoorah!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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