HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 28, 2008

No Broccoli!

HOW VULGAR! I have traipsed around every likely looking shop on/off/near/not near/etc the high street and FAILED to find any selling fresh broccoli ~ my staple green! I did find two demoralized trees outside one, after querying exact directions from the shopower who insisted said "rare delicacy" (well it is in my new manor!!) was there. And I'm not surprised they kept it in semi-hiding judging by the state of it. I've never seen "fresh" veg in such a wilting state. And on sale to eat tomorrow!! Not likely!!! Then I trundled and trawled and trudged and traipsed and trotted via many other shops until I finally found one selling it frozen at £1.19 for c340g. I said I would come back if I couldn't find any fresh. Well now I'm round the corner from my old house and did cave in and bought the pertest perkiest hardest greenest crunchiest broccoli in town... oh! the things you don't appreciate when they're on your own doorstep 24-7!

Better news: I've found the local Chinese takeaway. And am about to give in to my craving for Chinese chicken curry mix vegetable fried rice... also I BOUGHT a mysterious sachet of Chinese curry powder from the local Chinese supermarket in my new manor... it's ultra mysterious... exactly the right colour... and pretty close in taste to the mysterious oriental curries of the east churned out up and down the country in Chinese curry sauce... yes! That curry sauce NOBODY seems able to replicate (no you do NOT use garam masala or anything like it: it's CHINESE CURRY and totally different... Liz gave me an exclamational link over a month ago but life was in chaos (when is it ever not) so I never CLICKEDONIT ~EEJUT ME!! I am determined to crack the mystery of Chinese curry sauce!!

Even better news MY POWER'S BACK ON! Thanks to a friendly phone call I found out the mysteriousness of the electrical mystery... basically what I'd pictured is NOT a fusebox as such, rather a row of trip-switches... mine are labelled things like "1. lights; 2. sockets; 3. heating; 4. shower" and it would be #2 that had gone down. The advice I was given was to unplug everything. Nearly everything was unplugged but not quite. Disappointingly nothing happened after this... My "sockets" switch was still resolutely DOWN... Then, continuing talking on the phone, I made one more attempt at pushing it up ~ and wow! ~ it stuck!!

And the cooker comes on! And the radio's playing! And the heater works now (even though it was listed separately it somehow managed to purloin power from the sockets ringmain/ hey ja like my electricianal language there? Ringmain?? As if I would know one of them if it tied me up in a knot at 4am in the morning....

Righto!¬ I'm back by my old house. One more case really to GO. Then I'm NOT COMING BACK AND GOOD RIDDANCE TO IT ALL. SUCH RUBBISH!!!!

... {:->...

OH, AND ONE LAST THING... Friends, Romans, countrymenandwomen... I'm awfully sorry... for having kept in touch with some of you intermittently, others not at all... as you can see:~ my life has been chaos... I'm resolving it like silver resolve. A beautiful mirror. Then our friendships shall shine once more in wondrous reflexions...

This is a beautiful photoblog. And as I told Samantha, I can't believe nobody else is reading it...
Samantha's Blog:~ http://drpepperqueen86.blogspot.com

Romanian Castles and Churches:~
http://casteleromania.blogspot.com

Beauteous Spanish Kitten Pixx:~... including one of tabby legs akimbo I posted up here sometime back ... as some will no doubt remember... have a gander! at:~
http://georginaedominguez.blogspot.com

16 comments:

lime said...

you know, when i lived in a place where i couldn't get fresh broccoli i really thought i'd go insane.

Gledwood said...

Frozen doesn't really cut it, does it? Also the florets are too big (I like to cut mine into minibitesizedpieces prior to cooking) plus it takes acheingly EVEN MORE BLOODY TIME TO COOK AND I AM HUNGRY I WANT MY BLOODY FOOD NOW KNOW WHAT I MEAN....???!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!

Audrey said...

Every thing comes to he who waits dont they say..whoever they are???? Glad you got the fuses sorted out and that you found some crunchy green fresh brocc. You have inspired me Gleds to not be so b****y lazy and Ive put a post up special for you. God youve been busy and you still find time to post....hangs head in shame x Auds

Gledwood said...

ME inspiring ANYONE not to be lazy?... c'mon I only act when forced into a corner and utterly no option in it!!!! You posted just for me? Really? I'm going there now...¬¬

Hammer said...

Curry! I love all kinds. Thai is good but I never tried Chinese. (yet)

sofia said...

how awfull, no broccoli is really a nightmare, seriously, i love them and i can understand your frustration!!!
i loved this post ;)!!!

Audrey said...

Lol only you could leave a comment like that Gleds....cleaning finger nails with the cats claws, just picking myself off the floor...laughing that is!!

That cat would just not leave me alone to read your blog that night...I had to scroll down the pages of course on her behalf but YES!! she was absolutely captivated lol

Hope your day was good :)

Vi said...

No broccoli????

What the hell is the world coming to?

I've got some in my fridge I can send to you hon!

Nicole said...

You're right, frozen really doesn't cut it. I'm happy to hear that you've got power up again!!!

I'm off now to the hairdresser and to run a few errands.

Good luck with the last lot of moving and if you'd like a blog from Amsterdam, take a look at one that our friend Kees keeps. He started it when we left and it makes us miss everything less because we see familiar places and friends.

KEES

Squirrel said...

electricity is our friend.

Anonymous said...

Any chance of cultivating a vege garden on the roof? Maybe in the gutters to save carrying buckets of water up there ;)

Vincent said...

Excellent-o Gleds, eventhough I don't understand why it stayed on that time :-)

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Thank you for the quick flying Hello. I thought you would be
too busy. I hope you got your last case all right and that you are feeling more comfortable at your new
abode. Hope you got the cooking oil.
Glad you finally found the broccoli
Take care, my friend, Love, Merle.

tut-tut said...

Yea! Glad things are smoothing out and the dust is settling. Life without electricity is a shuddering thought.

Cook your broccoli, get your Chinese take-away, curl up with the robos. You're in your new abode!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood