HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Moving On

A HORRENDOUS BANGING accompanied by insults from Surlystein the Jamaican workman (lots of "rass") awoke me from an ill-feeling coma at half past mid-day. Szechuanstein handed me a letter saying my accommodation is "cancelled" (except it can't be as I don't get somewhere else until tomorrow morning). Meanwhile I've an appointment this afternoon to come in and sign documents relating to an empty new place "with a different agent" (thank the Lord). Hopefully, once I get my stuff out of the old dump I shall never ever have to have any dealings with Evilstein/Betterstein (aka Butterstein) or any of their henchmen ever again...

I even managed to summon a faint enthusiasm about the matter while ambling up the road in sleepdrunken misery (bc I really did not have enthusiasm for getting out of bed, no matter what the reason)... but like a Disprin plopping in a glass, it fizzed and faintly suffused me.

MOVING ON!

MUSIC VIDEOS:

1. David Bowie and Marianne Faithfull: I've Got You Babe
What a rare classic this one is! PS I don't know what Marianne Faithfull was wearing. It WAS the 1970s...




2. Madonna ft Timberlake and Timbaland: Four Minutes
From the übermistress of pop, this is one of her best tunes (yet again; how does she do it?)




Are Airedales and wire fox terriers the same? Clickonthis for info, including a picture of Baby Itchy's looky-likey sitting on the kitchen floor...
Baby Itchy as an Airedale
Three Tiny Trotters as doggies...

17 comments:

Arjan said...

sounds like a good reason to cheer up. Hope your new house will be less of a dump.

Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

Good luck with your move hon...I sure hope your 3 pink noses like thier new accomodations!

Daisy said...

Moving is hard. I hope you and the hammies are happier in your new home.

Gledwood said...

Arjan: I hope so too. From the outside not so inspiring. I get to view the interior tomorrow morning

Velvet Ginger RJ: those swines shall be my 1st move!

Daisy: Yeah it is hard. Unlike a roborovski I don't just get dumped down there with fresh newspaper and can't run on a wheel to work off my anxiety. Then fall asleep in a lightbulb box with 2 other pink noses and wake up again tomorrow in a totally new enclosure as if nothing at all has happened...

zen wizard said...

You need a good Tenant's Rights attorney named "Goldstein"!!

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Here's hoping that your new digs will be better and a happier place to be. Moving is always difficult but it helps if the new place has possibilities for new and fresh arrangements of belongings.

Gledwood said...

ZenWizz:I've signed a contract today. He asked if I had pets I said yeah a hamster he said "they're very strict on that now" and ticked "no" on the form. What I signed said nothing at all about "no pets" so HAH!!

I will certainly contact Goldstein's lawyers... (next time I'm in New York. We don't really get Jewish lawyers over here)

LoneGrey: I hope it genuinely IS better... they made it sound that way but the outside of the new place didn't look so inspiring and besides I don't believe NOTHING until I've seen it and lived it for myself. Even then I can never be sure it was real and not just a figament of my sleeper's imagination

sofia said...

thanks for stopping at my blog!!!
see, everything is returning slowly to its place, i hope that your new home bring you and your beautifull litle hamsters some piece and tranquility. you deserve it!!!
kisses ;)

Liz said...

Hope the new accommodation is heaps better and that your landlord is less evilstein and more cuddly grandma.

Hammer said...

I think you're the 5th blogger I've read that's moving. and I'm only on the "G"s

Best of luck and I hope everything goes well.

Gledwood said...

Sofia: thanks! I can't dredge up the word for "thank you" in Porgutuese (though I'm sure somewhere I have it in my capacious mind...)

Liz: How did you know the new contact is a lady? Did I say that somewhere? Or are you psychic?

Hammer: that's a lot of moving going on then!!

Patti said...

Just look at the move as a positive thing - a do-over if you will!

Gledwood said...

tell you what it's a HELL ovvalot nicer than the old place. not even so much bigger. just BETTER

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, Gleds, how stressful for you. But it may be a blessing in disguise to get away from Evilstein....

Gledwood said...

(Writing this Sunday night with STILL bits remaining in the old place... due to... execrable organization on my part, fair enough!!) RIGHT. Yes! I'm excruciatingly happy to have got away from those Evil Ones!! Yeah, man! GONE and DONE~;->...~!!!!!!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood