HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Where's Spherical?

STILL NO SIGN AT ALL OF SPHERICAL! I am getting really worried now as I've heard not a rustle, not a whisper-trace of her presence... I'm afraid she's gone and squeezed out somewhere under rafters, through a tiny gap somewhere... and escaped my new room. How on earth I'm going to get her back I've no idea now.

The picture sums up Bashful and Itchy quite well. As you can see from their faces, both are wondering where on earth their fat momma gremlin-swine's GOT TO!

Aaarghkkh!!


Come back, Spherical. Come back! Wherever you are...

... I'm afraid I think it's too late. I doubt I'll ever see her again.

RIP Spherical 2007-2008

Donna Summer: Dinner With Gershwin



This song, with its tunelessly funky spiralling down bit, had wiped clean out of my mind until the radio played it at an unearthily late hour of last night... 1987... Donna Summer

Blog of the Day:
NihonChihuahua にほん チワワ

26 comments:

Lu' said...

Hi there. Stopped over to thank you for coming by to see me. I am working now so no time to look over the blog/blogs. First thought was, my but you are a buy fellow :)

Gledwood said...

"a buy fellow" ~ what on earth does THAT mean?

Sassy One said...

Don't loose hope! Spherical maybe just went out to get his/her little freak on?! =P

Thanks for coming by my blog :)

Cazz said...

Hi Gled,

Just stopped by to see how you are doing. Some interesting reading, but you had me enthralled with "The seductive process of addiction"., did you do a follow up, as I would truely like to read that also.

I'm sorry to read that Spherical has disappeared, heres hoping she will come back to you and her little ones.

All the best mate, and will drop by again in a few days to catch up with you and your thoughts !!

Cazz

Gledwood said...

Sassy1: I hope she does just turn up... fat little SWINE that she is (and how she got OUT in the 1st place I've still NO IDEA... (true!!)

Cazz: erm... i don't think i DID do a followup to that... i AM slowly writing those famous MISERY-MEMOIRS of mine though ... so THEY would open the can of worms good and proper for me in the end!!

Eileen said...

*crossing fingers that the furball returns*

take care

Akelamalu said...

Oh poor little Spherical, I hope she finds her way back.

That Donna Summer track is one of my favourites.

Gledwood said...

Eileen: thanks. i bloody hope the furballs returns VERY SOON as well... cannot even leave a ramp up to her old tank in the day as EVILSTEIN the SEWERAGE-BRAINED LANDLORD's always poking about. come 6pm i can RELAX as the *******'s GONE!

Akelamalu: cheers i hope so too, the swine!

hey i didn't know anyone really knew that Dinner With Gershwin track... it's from a good 7 yrs AFTER the Death of Disco!

tut-tut said...

Don't give up hope; have you looked behind/in/around/underneath EVERYTHING? Maybe she's hiding a a pile of clothes??

I want to know what a "buy fellow" is, too . . . Whatever it is, I hope it's a good thing to be!

Take care.

Baino said...

Ah I'm sorry the little furball hasn't returned. Maybe you need a teensy weensy collar with an electrical buzz if they go beyond the 'perimeter' like I use for my dog who insists that romping on 3 acres simply isn't enough and visits local builders and is constantly held hostage for eating their sandwiches.

The chihuahua site is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Terrible news ... have you checked in the food cupboards, sock drawer, under the fridge? Please don't give up hope yet ...

mago said...

IS the fingerwarmer really away? You not missed? Can't believe this ... Spherical missing that is ... see, and listen.

jmb said...

Gleds, the little devil. I do hope she turns up. Where could she be indeed? I'll check back later.

Hammer said...

So sorry about spherical. I've spent many a time looking for lost critters. They are just so good at hiding and evading.

molson said...

Maybe your most rotund robo went on a long hike to the mountains to commune with her pika buddies. We shall miss you Spherical. We hardly even knew you.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds, I was hoping to see news of Spherical's return. Keep on looking for her. Glad you still enjoy your yogurt. Take care, Very
best wishes, Merle.

Bhairavi said...

hello!
thanks for the comment in my blog =)
i hope she get back soon..

all the best to you,too.

TOM said...

How could Spherical leave those two precious ones behind..Bad Mommy!!

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds,I hope Spherical returns home to her 2 little ones soon. maybe she hiding in one of your boxes. Take care Jan.

Patti said...

No now don't give up on Spherical just yet! She may return! I'll send "come back" vibes!!!

Gledwood said...

TutTut: I cleared up AFTER she went missing, not expecting to see anything. There's really no point expecting to move things and find her any more than with a wild mouse, as I say she is QUICK!!!!

Baino: that might all have changed.... un4tunately she doesn't have a NECK on which to put a collar. Would look entertaining in a bumblebee-wings holder-style harness though...

Anon: can't move the fridge. if she IS under there I have to let her come out of own accord: is so flighty would only get terrified further and further back if I DID spot her under there and try to extracate her... I've so little clue where she might be I cannot even block areas off with tornup folded newspaper or anything...

Mago: yes! the swine has gone... is STILL GONE!!

:-<...

Gledwood said...

JMB: no IDEA where she might have gone I think she is reclusing bigstyle (tinystyle, rather) SOMEHWERE in the innumerable nooks and crannies of this unfortunately Victorian house (hopefully still and constantly in my room: I DID seem to spot her here earlier...)

Hammer: you said it VERY evasive little SWINES!!

Molson: the fat old swine might WELL have gone set up home with those even fatter flowerbunch carrying wild trotters...

Merle: she's still not back the little sow!

yogurt yumm: I specially like Greek yogurt and fromage frais (less acid; and actually takes the FLAVOUR of what's stated on the LABEL ~ wow!!) (I remember eating a yogurt in the 1970s, fishing out a nasty sloppy red thing and going "Mum! Mum!! What's this?!!!?" Turned out I'd spotted the 1 in 1000000 strawberry in a 1970s strawberry yogurt...(!!)

;->...

Gledwood said...

Bhairavi: cheers and thanks for the wishes ~ the little trottergremlin's yet to be sighted

Tom: yeah! glad you said that she's an EVIL MOMMA!

Jan: I'm sure she IS hiding in or behind something but devil's luck will be she is QUICKER at escaping than I am at FINDING and cornering, even though she IS too tubby to fit through various hilariously too-small-cut play items I've installed at home at various times...

Patti: hey the vibes must've been working around 2pm local. i saw something... I SAW SOMETHING... a white ROBOFLASH!!... I DID I DID I DID!!

zen wizard said...

How to get a rodent BACK IN your apartment, after she VOLUNTARILY LEFT...

Now there is a tough one.

If you bought one of those things that makes the ultra-high frequency noise that makes rodents disappear, I would say start by unplugging that...

Maybe leave some cheese around?

Maybe (insert apocryphal Richard Gere urban legend joke)?

I don't know...

Do you have a cat?

I remember from "Tom & Jerry" and--well, from having a cat--that rodents and cats don't get along.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood