HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 28, 2008

Squeaky Trotters/Fuse Still Gone

RIGHT VINCENT, this is the nearest fusebox I can find to my own... to the right two mains switches that would turn the entire room off (each room has its own box and meter)... the row to the left of this has, on mine, about five what appear to be slide out box fuses with up and down on/off switches. You cannot turn the fuse ON at all, something's blown it automatically falls to off all the time, so... any advice, Vincent? Anyone? Please? I'm actually probably going to have to ring the landlord and not admit it was me turning the cooker on and falling asleep (which shouldn't blow a fuse anyhow)~ I used to sleep with the cooker on ALL NIGHT in my old place~ just to keep the room warm.

Yes and the trotters: I desperately have to buy some new cooking oil as their wheel, which they seem to be rambling night and day these days and nights is SQUEAKING THE HELL OUT OF ME: AAARGH!!

Why are so many far eastern young females into this kinda candy-coloured kitch style?
Click here: http://unrequittedloveisapainthatwontsubside.blogspot.com to see it!


VIDEO OF THE DAY:
And in keeping with my previous Dangerous Liaisons theme; here's French and Saunders' takeoff on that film:~


13 comments:

Mayra said...

Sometimes those automatic translations are horrible, but I did understand what you meant!!!

Thanks for coming by!

See you in the blog world!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Gleds

If you cannot get your fusebox switch to stay in the "ON" position, you can work out what is causing the problem by a process of elimination. First, switch to OFF all the individual black circuit switches and then try switching ON the main switch and *probably* you will find this main switch will stay ON. If so, then one at a time, switch back ON the individual circuit switches until the system trips OFF again and then you will know which circuit is playing up. My suspicion is that your cooker is faulty and if you can isolate this from the mains (unplug if a 13amp type)then I bet you a jam tart the main switch will stay ON. Cookers are notorious for tripping OFF circuits due to earthing issues.If you took your cooker from your old place, you may find that the new place has more sensitive electrics, and therefore the cooker is more likely to cause the circuit to trip OFF.

Vincent said...

I was going to write something like anonymous and Nicole says she's already mentioned something like this too, she's demanding the credits ;-) hehe.

The fact that the switch doesn't stay in the ON position means that there is still something pulling to much power. I would also vote for the cooker but it could be a combination of things.

Something in between the lines: NEVER leave your cooker on while you're asleep, you can set your house on fire with that!

The fuses on the left side could each actually represent 1 wall socket? I can imagine they did this to prevent people from hooking up high power consuming devices like cookers for silly and dangerous purposes, know what I mean? This could mean you can't actually use your cooker there.

So, unplug the cooker, try switching the fuse ON again and discuss the issue with your landlord. You haven't broken anything there's nothing to worry about. You don't have to tell him you used to sleep with the cooker on, just never do that again :-)

Good luck mate.

Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

I agree with Vincent on all of the above. Then if that doesn't work...call the landlord but do NOT admit leaving that dang cooker on! Unplug it & put it away!

Daisy said...

I hang my head in shame and admit that I am into all sorts of pink and candy-colored pretty things.

CrystalChick said...

Hello!! Been gone awhile from your blog so had to scan down some to catch up. First, don't really understand the 'Council' situation. Do you get free rooms from them? Are they for those addicted?
Is there a waiting list?

The old Bowie clip was neat. That was from so long ago.
I absolutely adore Boy George. Always have. Love his music, the way he looks, his personality! Dangerous Liasons is my absolute ALL TIME FAVORITE movie without a doubt.
"I often wonder how you managed to invent yourself"... "I wanted you before we'd ever met. My self esteem demanded it"... Awesome lines. So many more good ones.
I like Glenn Close, and love John Malcovich. They are fabulous together in the movie! Now I think that I will have to get the DVD out and watch the whole thing again soon!

Hope you adjust to your new place and find enjoyment there!
Be well. Mary

Akelamalu said...

Can't help at all with the fuse box - me and electricity don't mix well. :(

Gledwood said...

Mayra~Mayra~Mayra! Give your url back please!! I plunged into your blog quite randomly (do love those automatic translations of webpages, don't you??!?)... please give your address then I can come back and give fuller entertainment hahahaharrgh!!!

Anonymous: That's very detailed... I've sorted it out thanks to... well read the top (broccoli) post

Vincent: do you know I've left the cooker on gerZILLIONS of times while sleeping... I'm not saying you're wrong you're probably right it does run counterintuitive even to my vulgarizational logic... I just used to keep it on, as I said, as a ROOM HEATER for my vulgar, tawdry old accommodation. Yukk, yukk, DOUBLE YUKKIEE!!!

Gledwood said...

Velvet Ginger: oh no WAY was I going to admit to cooker. Actually was going to pretend it had all been like that to start with haha!!

Daisy: well I can't really BLAME you Daisy... even I used to own a pastel blue cordless telephone... man! how I loved that phone. Binatone. Really, really lovely and I'm not that into the physicality of possessions, technological or otherwise, but this really was on a Japanese schoolgirl's lunch box level it was fantastic. Man! I was SO GUTTED when it finally broke!

Crystal:
Council housing... right in general "council flats" in Londonese means "projects" in NYC... I'm not in a council flat only emergency accommodation. The council has, by law to house certain types of people. A psychiatrist wrote a letter saying I was "vunerable" and I got in that way. There is a MASSIVE waiting list for "proper" housing, which is why people like me live for years in "temporary" but it's not that bad. My current house is all phone socketed out and besatellitedished, meaning people have felt that though technically "temporary" they were proper more permanent tenants. That should go quite flatteringly to the landlord... There is a HUGE HUGE HUGE waiting list for housing of all types. You can only get housed by jumping the queue (e.g. by being an immigrant asylum seeker and not speaking English) or by going the emergency route like I did (well had no choice was sleeping in freezing cold empty industrial building before that full of rats and people coming in as I slept defacating, shouting... foxes, cats... man! Everything!! It was bad + I was hallucinating ghosts and lights at night and skeletorlike figures opening doors... NOT NOT NOT nice SO GLAD to be out of there... wish I could BUY said place and do it up it would make a fantastic 5000-10,000 sq foot home... how I LOVED that space ... I was not designed to live in tiny areas... but how I ADORE my new house... I feel so centred there... so good... it is fantastic. I don't even want to commit suicide as much now (that's powerful housing for you! more powerful than Prozac? Wow!!!)

I loved the Dangerous Liaisons film... or Liaisons Dangereuxes/howeverthefckyouspellit (the novel was ALWAYS sold under the French title here which I found rather pretentious... the title ACTUALLY means "Dangerous AFFAIRS" ~ that casts FAR MORE LIGHT upon the subject matter... I do have to say I'm with French & Saunders on the fact that though it was a charming piece of visuality, intrigue, subterfuge and just pure watchability I totally lost the plot of it and didn't get it until I looked it up yesterday on Wikipedia!!!

Akelamalu:
I got rather a nasty shock once in my WORST druggie days when I lived with a plug WITHOUT A COVER literally OPEN. Put my hand on it high on only God remembers what and a strange 240 volt tingling went right up my arm!!!

Anonymous said...

French and Saunders are my two very favourite actresses! Brilliant :)

Bimbimbie said...

Loved the French & Saunders skit too.

Glad you have the power back on - especially for the cooker and radio.

You asked why I don't like gravy ... goes back to childhood couldn't understand why I had to drown the Yorkshire pud making it go all soft and drippy. I'm a tomato sauce girl*!*

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood