HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Sunlight Saint George

SUNNY HOT, HOT WEATHER has descended: blue skies, entire days a-sparkle, and so on. So of course miseryguts me is feeling depressed (yet again). This might have something to do with my being evicted (yet again). Or more to the point, Butterstein the slippery landlord and Evilstein his henchman say they are doing up the entire house (they have turned my old room into a dustbath of demolition with bricks lying everywhere from the knocked-out chimneybreast... now they require that I vacate the new room I'm presently in so that can be tarted up too. "You must telephone council NOW. Do not go anywhere. Do not do anything else! Telephone the council NOW!!" Evilstein insisted. And made it sound like it was all down to me to sort my chaotic housing situation.

The council say the landlord KNOWS what to do (he is infamous with them), the ball is in his court. It is not my responsibility to phone them or provide paperwork. I need not and indeed cannot do anything. Butterstein knows who to email. It is up to him to inform the council that my room is no longer available; then the council should provide me with a new one.

So I'm quite happy about moving out. In an entirely distant and nonexistent way...

... on a happier note, today is Saint George's day
. Saint George who slew the satanic dragon is patron saint of England, so a movement is underway to turn this into another drinking day in league with Saint Patrick of Ireland and Saint Whassisname of Scotland.

St George is also (strangely but truly) the patron saint of the Spanish city of Barcelona... where the tradition goes for young lovers to buy their sweethearts roses; the sweetheart traditionally returns the favour with the gift of a book. You can click this Catalan blog I found totally by accident to see...

BOOKS AND ROSES: Barcelona and Saint George

WILD AND POPPY EYED:

You can see this isn't a domesticated pet. And that enclosure is far too small, otherwise it wouldn't be running up and down and jumping at the sides...

This is the famous Australian dunnart the female rambles a good 5 miles a night in search of a mate... at the end of the annual 2 week breeding season the males are so exhausted they all DIE... they are quite unafraid of battling with funnel webs, and frequently crackle a crunchy scorpion for breakfast!




EXTRAORDINARILY TAME GRANDFATHER ROBOROVSKI

Here's an incredibly cute and old (a good 65+ in roboyears) pensioner hamster:




ROBOROVSKI CIRCUS:

This is far more typical of robbie behaviour... I don't know whether Grandfather Robo above is just naturally calm or on drugs but I've never seen a roborovski act quite so laid-back!




ARE YOU INTERESTED in being a "direct sales representative"? Do you remember those Tupperware parties from the 1970s? My Mum used to throw them. All local ladies from the area come by and purchase dishes, bowls, jugs etc with excellently airtight self-sealing lids... but if you clickonthis you'll see all manner of housewares etc you can directly sales represent..!

GIGANTIC NORWEGIAN HORSE BLOG...!

20 comments:

zen wizard said...

What if you give her a rose and she hands you a copy of Codependent No More?

I would call that a Pyrrhic Victory....

I will stick with Valentine's Day and the tradition of hiding the engagement ring in the Smores fondue.

(Or am I the first guy that ever thought of that in the history of the world?)

Bimbimbie said...

Sounds like that landlord has been planning this all along - are you the only one left in the house now?

Darn it your making me sad for those Dunnarts again *!*

Akelamalu said...

Whilst I feel for you being evicted yet again Gleds I can't help but feel a new home could be the start of a new life for you - if you wnat it. x

Ida said...

Hello,

and thanks for commenting on my blog! I don't know how you found it, and you probably didn't understand many of the words, but hey; pictures say more than a thousand words, right? :D When it comes to my Nintendo I am a bit ashamed to say that I'm actually 26 years old, but like you I never had one of those when I was a kid, so I guess it's a part of my childhood forcing its way back into my life... I'm having fun with it, so I don't really care what other people think. :)

I guess it's springtime in London these days too - have a good day!

sofia said...

wish you luck, and don`t stess too much! better days are to come!!!
kisses ;)

Daisy said...

Happy Saint George's day to you. I have not heard of that holiday before, but anyone who was able to slay an evil dragon must be good. I think dragons are like lizards, and lizards are my enemy.

ps: I make many, many wild, wacky, crazy and silly facial expressions. I think it might be because of my big eyes. And I am a specially trained actress-cat.

pps: The part about being an actress is not really true. But I thought it sounded good.

Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

I am happy the weather is sunny for you....and it's too bad you have to move, that sucks! Happy St. George Day...I love a holiday that gives one the excuse to drink!

Baino said...

I'm sorry you have to go through the upheaval of moving again so soon. It does sound like he's been winding down his tenants. Maybe you'll luck out and get better digs! I am fast becoming a fan of robbo's and hamsters I have to say!

Gledwood said...

ZenWizz: Ooo imagine the wrong bit of fondue getting chomped at the wrong moment? Diamond on tooth enamel. Truly tooth-cracking!!

Bimbimbie: Yeah he has been planning it. Laundretta told me he wanted to take the hole house back ages ago but I kinda put it out of my mind. Boohoo!/Ha-har! (I don't know which.) Sorry about the Dunnarts. I had to get some more mileage out of them, also the video screens make my posts look longer (!)

Akelamalu: A whole new life from a hole old one. Yes please!

Ida: I found your blog because the Nintendo picture came up on screen on the blogger play program. You just pause it and can click into the blog and that's how I found you...

... the one game I played on Nintendo DS (if that is what it's called I barely remember!!) was one where you steal ambulances, motorbikes and cars and drive around New York. All I was interested in was a sightseeing tour "is this one Brooklyn Bridge?" etc which wound up my 10 yr old instructors as that's apparently not the game's point...

Crushed said...

Good luck with the move, hope your new landlord is a man of greater humanity!

Gledwood said...

Sofia: better days? I certainly hope so(!!)

Daisy: Hey you could make money as a TV and movies cat actress? Y'can make good money doin' that y'know!

Velvet Ginger: yeah I don't really want to move but hey

Baino: talking of robos it serves me right for plunging them into a giant new reflective tank. Maybe I'll end up in a giant new mirrored room (a dance studio, perhaps... you never know!!)

Gledwood said...

Crushed: that's a very good point I cannot wait NOT to have Evilstein, Butterstein and Surlystein poking around my premises

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

I hope you get your living situation sorted out soon, that sounds terrible unsettling.

Janice~

Vincent said...

Shees mate, not again? :-/

I only hope that you will get housing somewhere better.

V.

TOM said...

Weell, we have nice weather here across " The Pond" too, I'm sorry your good weather is marred by the fact that you have to move..I hate moving..with re. to the (dunnart) What a wild 2 weeks that is for those poor guys!

Happy St George day

Gledwood said...

Janice: cheers. I can't wait till it's all dusted and DONE

Vincent: it SOUNDS better. I just hope it really is. And that it really happens

Tom: Dunnarts lead a wild and crazy life. The good weather's gone. It's thunderstorms all the way today!

zen wizard said...

Well, the proposing to her on the middle of a basketball court during halftime thing has been done to death...

I thought of maybe flying her to St. Louis and proposing to her in front of the St. Louis Arch...

Or proposing to her on the Seattle Space Needle...hiding the ring in a Starbucks there would be a cool trick. Like you say, if she drinks it, picking through her shit for a week would not be very romantic.

The Eiffel Tower would be a really romantic place--if some aliens in a flying saucer could just twap all of the rude French people there...

I guess the first step is meeting a woman I can halfway stand...

I think I am going to have a long time to think about this one.

Gledwood said...

Hmmm...

... I drew inspiration from the well of my subconscious...

... the bucket came up empty!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood