HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

New Home

IT'S LATE AND I'M UTTERLY EXHAUSTED. But I did manage to get more than 50% moved out. Evilstein's threatening to chuck out my stuff on the street if I'm not out by first thing tomorrow; but what could I do? It takes more than TWO HOURS to get from old place to new and back again...

What is my new place like? Well it's a "studio flat"; meaning it's a room glorified into a kitchen corner with GRILL thing (woo what a novelty! Now I can cook pizza; if indeed it will go under a grill...) Yeah and I have a SHOWER INSIDE MY HOME: what a novelty THAT shall be. I was going to celebrate by getting dripping wet in positive life-force "ons", as they say...

Man! I am so exhausted I am going to have to go. I got the help of the lady from downstairs who did girlie things like cleaning my surfaces down.

Now I had better go I am literally asleep on my feet. Take care everyone. I have to go before I expire...

For Sofia:

1. Extracts from the John Malkovich/Glenn Close film

I really like Glenn Close's teacup...

2. Madonna: Dangerous Liaisons Vogue


Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

Good luck with the rest of your move...I sure hope Evilstien doen't bin the rest of your things!
Get some rest. See if that girlie neighbor will help you move the rest of your stuff!!
How are the Robos?

sofia said...

i loved it!!! obrigado!
the film is amazing and madonna is really a great performer!!!
take care and i`m glad to know your new home is fine...

Gattina said...

Welcome in your new home ! I believe you that you are on your knees ! what a moving ! Now I am curious to see pictures of your new Kingdom !

Rita said...

Nothing quite as exhausting as moving house. (Houses are such heavy things:) Best of luck!

Nicole said...

So glad to hear that the new place is better than the old one!! Your own shower is wonderful! No more putting up with other people's grossness. How great that you'll be rid of Evilistein as well. I hope you'll enjoy the new home once you're settled and rested. Does this mean you have a decent letter box as well where people won't steal things if mailed to you?

Bimbimbie said...

Glad you are halfway there with your move. Hasn't taken you long to get a hand from your friendly neighbour ...err since when was washing down surfaces girlie lol *!*

Daisy said...

Hooray! You are more than halfway home!

Vincent said...

I'm very happy for you mate, that's fantastic. Having your own shower will be soooo nice for you (as long as you keep it clean ;-)

I hope you will be able to get your remaining 50% as well.

And I hope Evilstein will turn into a pile of shit.

Congratulations on your new home dude :-)

lime said...

what an exhausting endeavor. i hope you can finish up without much difficulty. and i hope you settle in happily and that your new digs are a good fit.

Emma said...

Good luck wiht the move, hope eveything goes well..xx

Emperor Ropi said...

Enjoy the new home

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

The new place sounds much better than the old one. Hang in there. You're almost moved. Enjoy the new digs.

Audrey said...

Sounds exhausting Gleds, moving is bad enough eith help and transport never mind having to get two buses to and from, never mind you will get there,that must sound so paltry but its well intended...you seem to have a determination and good level of endurance. Hopefully it wont take you or the robos long to adjust to your new surroundings...hopefully a fresh start for you all with positive outcomes xx Auds

P.S. Isnt our capital city just great!!!!

Crushed said...

Ah well, it'll be worth it in the long run. just don't do too many fry ups, as you'll actually live in the aftermath.

But no more Evilstein!

Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

Hey Gledwood, I just popped in to check on you. I sure hope you were able to get all your belongings out of the old place and into your new flat. I am srue you are tired. How are those 3 pink noses doing?

Gledwood said...

Velvet Ginger: she's not technically the neighbour but the girlfriend. Did help me quite a lot but couldn't trundle back and forth with me ~ that is a long and complexicated undertaking requiring over an hour for the round trip. It's going pretty well though all the really really important stuff's gone already.

Sofia: Dangerous Liaisons Vogue is from the 1991 American Music Awards or MTV Awards. Isn't it funky when the fans ktrrrrrrrrkh in time wi't' beats

Gattina: I'm barely off my knees. did do it though. which amazed me as it was a near-impossible task...

Rita: nothing quite as exhausting indeed...

Gledwood said...

Nicole: no letterbox security un4tunately. Very glad not to have to share bathroom that's quite something

Bimbimbie: she did it in a most well-organized womanly way (haha!!)

Vincent: I've got thinbleach for it already. Hurrah!!

Daisy: nearly all the way now hahahaargh!!

Gledwood said...

Lime: far better fit than the old place... I can feel THAT already. also they're not as BOILING HOT ON SUNNY DAYS as the horrible old place. Yukk!

Emma: chers

Ropi: ta


Gledwood said...

Auds: the pingerovskies are quite enjoying residing under the kitchen sink where it's dark and they can ramble their wheel all day (take them outside in sunlight and they automatically go back to bed!!)

Crushed: yeah you're quite right about the fry-ups I ended up with greasy grunge all over the place... cupboards installed RIGHT OVER the cookers which is ridiculous

Velvet: the pink noses are rambling quite contented.... they had to be transported in the diggery; which made them really watercolouredly dun-looking and all over fur-brushed

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood