HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Take the Trotters First

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ON EARTH I'M GOING TO DO tomorrow (dur! later today!..!) to move out. No-one is around really to help me. The new place is two bus journeys away and I can't see myself deporting out my old stuff to the new place in less than ten trips. I'm very glad that I collected several "useless" gigantic wheeled "suitcases" (they're so large they stretch the definition of "suitcase")... these I can stuff with books, my classical vinyl record collection etc; empty out in the new place and take back and refill again... surely that's the only way of doing it.

At 9:30ish in the morning I'm to go to the new letting agent to collect keys. Even that place is two bus rides away ~ in the other direction! ~ near where I used to live and where Laundretta lives now. Laundretta might well be in rehab as we speak, by the way. She was talking of going in to come off the severe quantities of alcohol she daily imbibes (certainly got me drunk with her standard measures of vodka)...

The man at the council asked whether I had any pets as he breezed through my new paperwork this afternoon. "Only a hamster," I admitted... "... but I can give that to someone to look after."

"They're very strict about that these days," said the man, ticking the NO box to pets.

When I checked what I'd signed there was no mention at all of pets ~ roborovski sized or otherwise...

... and that's all I know about what I'm doing tomorrow. Taking the hamsters first...

(And I hope you like the airedale/wire-fox roborovski illustrations, by the way!)

NOW: HERE ARE THREE OF MY FAVOURITE SONGS. See if you like them too...


VIDEO:~ MARIANNE FAITHFULL: AS TEARS GO BY (London Albert Hall, 1990)



SINEAD O'CONNOR: REBEL SONG (LIVE)
Both this and the above have that going round and round hypnotic quality to the backing...



BOY GEORGE: CRYING GAME

Featured in the Irish film of the same name, this is one of his top tunes... and what a wonderful voice!


42 comments:

sofia said...

ok...first of all, i would like to say that i loved those pictures, they are adorable!!!
and,THANKS means OBRIGADO, in my language!!! here`s a portuguese lesson totally free!!! ;) always learning!!!
kisses and have a good day tomorrow, take it easy and don`t stress!!!

Gledwood said...

I'll try not to stress... obrigado! Tell me, do you like the music or d'you think it's a load of horseshit? C'mon! Tell me~??!?

sofia said...

well, i don`t appreciate much sinead o`connor, so i must confess i didn`t listen!! ;(
but if its important my opinion i`ll make a real effort and then i`ll tell you, thouh, i loved the madonna`s video you posted, she is really brilliant!!!;)

Gledwood said...

Yeah Madonna STILL is quite something... also is in that rarefied club of people with so many hits they cannot be associated with just one or two...

...what about Boy George's Crying Game? I only know that song from the film... and vaguely remember seeing it on a pop music programme around the time it came out (early 90s sometime)

sofia said...

so, i`m a big fan of 80`s music, although i was a child then, so i listened to what my older sister who is about you`re age listened back then a lot, but boy george is not ,my scene at all!!!
from him i only remember DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HURT ME... pretty nasty in deed!!! hihihihi
but i visit your blog mostly to read your stuff, you are a great writter!!!but madonna surely got my attention!

Gledwood said...

OK I get the message. I didn't really like Culture Club in the 1980s, especially Do You Really Want to Hurt Me ... couldn't see the point of that song... I'm trying to think of a Boy George song I DID like... No! But I do like the Crying Game

Tell you what I'll put Dangerous Liaisons Vogue up tomorrow. That's really good

sofia said...

ok, do that, i also like joy division, cure, pixies...you can post something from them if you like ;) i don`t mind hihihihi!!!
i`ll visit you tomorrow earlier because it`s liberty day here in portugal, so i don`t work tomorrow!!!sleep tight, you have a full busy day tomorrow!!!kisses

Gledwood said...

yeah i gotta go to bed in a sec. I found the Dangerous Liaisons Vogue clip and twinned it with extracts from the Glenn Close film

will put it here tomorrow. ta-raa!

auf wiedersehen
adios
hang on what is goodbye in Portuguese I'm sure I know it...

(no I didn't!:~

ADEUS!!)

Gledwood said...

Boa noite
, as I should have said ;->...

sofia said...

but, guess what, i turn out to be the most curious person in the world, i`ve listened to those two songs and i must say that sinead`s not so bad, and i entirelly agree when you say that it has something of hipnotic!
and boy george, that song isn`t so creepy after all!!! ;)))

sofia said...

boa noite para ti tambem meu amigo ingles!!!

good night to you too my english friend!!!

one more portuguese lesson and i start to charge it lololol!!!

Gledwood said...

I have 2 euros under my paperbacks so I can afford about 20 words haha!!

Right I really gotta go take care, farewell, till tomorrow...

Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

You really need a couple big friends with a couple big trucks to make the move less stressful and faster. I DO like Boy George, and your terrier pictures that arenot your real dogs!
Oh and I was going to tell you I have a long time friend that lives in Bedford.

Nicole said...

I'm glad you've got a new place. Will Evilstein be the landlord there? I am thinking, no. That's already something positive. I think it's a good plan to take the hamsters first. Does Mother Hubbard have a car? It would be great if there was someone with a car to help you tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I'd have helped you if I lived closer.

Ces said...

Moving could be fun. I like Boy George's voice and I never heard of this song. I like Culture Club and I wish Boy Goerge the best. He seems to get himself in a jam frequently. I do not like Sinead especially after she made that vulgar remark about Pope John Paul II. An artist with talent do no not need to be vulgar to get her point across.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Sorry the photo of my Mum
with the birds made you think you were hallucinating. But it's a real
photo at a bird sanctuary, so you are OK. I hope this move will be better for you once it's done. Sounds like a big effort for you, but hopefully it
will be worth it. I am sure you will make it OK with all those trips.
Take great care and good luck, Merle.

Josie said...

Hi, Gledwood, I'm just catching up on your blog. You're moving again? Gosh, I know what you're going through. I wish I could be there to help you. I hope you do have someone to help you.

Let us know how your new place is.

Anybeth said...

love marianne, love sinead, can do without boy george.

Vi said...

If its not on the agreement, they can't stop you having pets!

Good luck with the move!

Gledwood said...

Velvet Ginger: I wish I did know someone with a double decker bus to spare. That would just about carry my paperbacks and classical music (classical music that I have no turntable to listen to:~ all on vinyl!)

yes I know they aren't REALLY my airedale/wirefox terriers but they DO look like roborovski hamsters. except bigger. sort of :-?...

Nicole: no-one with a bloody car and 2 bus rides there AND back. typical. but i will do it... no Evilstein has NO control/interst or doings in this new place. yeah! + the new landlords speak fluent English which will be a change I am fed up being insulted by people speaking Greek or Jamaican and saying the most obscene things (in Jamaican patois)

Ces: Sinead fckd up a lot of things with that remark. She was selling 7million albums at a time before that. Now lucky to get 250thousand! Silly cow. I do like her music and voice though

Gledwood said...

Merle: that IS a bizarre parrots picture though... I looked at her head and thought "no that's a hat not parrots on her head" then I realized that green basket thing on her arms was a flock of another 10 amazons/whatever they're called!

As for moving I don't know how I'm going to do it except by repeatedly bussing back and forth until it's all gone. That's ALL I can do and all I shall do.

Josie: No car. No help. No nothing. Un4tunately. I'm VERY CURIOUS about this new place inside... will post about it asap probably tomorrow

Anybeth: Boy George: you mean HIM or his song? I've never been too keen on him... "cleaning up" after heroin then becoming an ecstasy club DJ... yeah very convincing... now we hear about his cocaine flip-out when he calls police to a nonexistent intruder. NYC police DROP possession of a pyramid of coke powder charges and just get him on "wasting police time"... hmmmm

Vi: ta! I'm about to take my trotters in a tartan bag RIGHT NOW!! (After I get breakfast: 1 can cyder; 1 double cheeseburger from McD's)

Bimbimbie said...

Wishing you all the best with your move gleds, hope you have managed to get someone to give you a hand.

I love Marianne and Bowie. What a treat seeing this clip briliiant*!*

I bought Boy George's Crying Game after seeing the moving which I loved.

Sinead I went off after she couldn't stick to singing ... long before the pope episode. Isn't she bipolar or something ...sure I read that the other day??

BenTheRotti said...

I hope you get on okay with the move.. sounds like a lot of hard work!! Whats with the no-pets crap!! Don't these people realise that a pet is THERAPY!! If they discover your pet just tell them they are hallucinating.. you don't see a hamster!!

Mum loves that Sinead O Connor song.. she says it takes her back to a good place.. whatever that means!!

Ben xxxx

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I agree. Sinead. Hmm. Why?

Bentherotti: I know pets are therapy. I have a diggery in a tank full of trotters right by me in the inernet cafe as I speak...

Just had a confrontation with Surlystein who does all possible to speak "THICK" "is that all you're taking? ~ that isn't full"~ pointing to trotter's tartan washbag. "Yeah but it's heavy," I said

and Surlystein can go to hell. I'm moving ON!!!

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds. Im Back.. Hope you can find someone to help you shift, and I hope you will be a lot happier in your new digs.. Take good care mate, Jan

Patti said...

Ah I hope you get everything done! It's a shame you have no one to help you out.

Gattina said...

I wish you a good move ! Hope that somebody shows up who could help you. Hamsters shouldn't be animals for a house owner they also cannot avoid mice or rats in their house ! You are not moving in with two elephants ! although that would be practical to carry your belongings, lol !

Gledwood said...

Jan: dunno about finding anyone. It's 3pm already and I've hardly done anything. Still, there's always tomorrow (ooer)

Patti: a crying shame. but i ain't crying for no-one

Gattina: the trotters are hidden under my new sink. I have a SHOWER!~ wow!! Pingpong is next to go

;->...

Daisy said...

Oh dear, now I am going to be worried about how you are going to handle the move. Good luck with everything.

Gledwood said...

I cannot handle it; just do it

luck. lucky. luckless. meaningless. moveless: not. going

haha!

:-<...

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Love the puppy pics, Gleds. And MF and "that song" always make me cry! Oh, dear. I do so feel for you. I'm sure the hammies will be fine and that you will find a way. Thinking of you in Sicily . Lots of love from Simi, too xx

Bimbimbie said...

I recall listening to her album 'Am I not your girl' for the first time and really enjoying it and then after the last track she's ranting on about religion she spoiled the moment for me - I'm very fickle when it comes to singers who don't stick to singing. Having an opinion is wonderful but don't attach it to the end of an album please *!*

...don't sit in front of that there computer ... get moving gleds your new place awaits you *!*

tut-tut said...

Well, is it done?? I've been away from the computer all day and missed all this. I'm hoping this all works out. I don't think hamsters count as pets, as they don't bark/shed/etc. as do dogs and cats.

Let me know!!!

Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: thanks. it will be over by tomorrow :-?

Bimbimbie: I went. Then I came back. Then I went. Then I came back... :-?

TutTut: still not done. Never will be done. I'm just taking what I can in one last huge case. Cannot abide trundling through an INNER CITY last thing at night alone with all my stuff this is RIDICULOUS

Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

Yes I agree that the terriers look like your hampsters! Good luck again! let us know how it goes (you will).

Gledwood said...

I've always thought roborovskis look like little racoons because of their distinctive white eyebrows and the white highlighting around the fat pink nose...

Robos are also bright white underneath...

I'm glad you agree my robos look like those puppydogs. When Baby Itchy used to get compulsory-washed by the other two she spent about half her life looking so wet and bashed up she really did remind me of a terrier puppy. Very cute and the same colour dark fur

;->...

Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

They are adorable...but I am afraid my 2 cats would Munch them!
how is the move going?

Gledwood said...

robos are too small to make much of a dinner, even for a cat, so tell the kittie that!!

Move's going OK, thanks, after finally getting help this morning ;->...

Baino said...

Hey Gleds, i'm a bit slow on the bandwagon but would have helped you move if I lived about 12000 miles closer! Glad you managed to get some help. I dread the thought of moving. Hope your new home is peaceful and pleasant. Don't mention the Robos . . they don't make much noise! Cheers and good luck.

Gledwood said...

Ta! It was done. Nearly all done. My old room full of dust. Which is ridiculous. And I'm coming back for one last excavation before tomorrow when I shall return AGAIN and take my classical records if they're in one piece. Otherwise just leave the entire shebangles as a DEAD LOSS!!!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood