HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Trotters: Now There Are Two + Human Trotterthon

>PICTURES: top three; clockwise from top ~ Floella Benjamin marathon runner; Blue Peter (Sarah Greene 2nd from left); Floella Benjamin Play School Presenter... bottom three clockwise from top ~ London marathon crossing Tower Bridge; dwarf Russian hammies in bowl; what Spherical might be doing in the big wild world (illustrated by Russian hammy, not a Roborovski)...

TODAY WAS THE LONDON MARATHON... I have to admit that in previous years such events have left me stone cold. Why on EARTH anyone would want to push themselves to running 26.2 miles
when there are so many other achievable goals in the world totally beat me...

Then I heard children's TV presenter (she used to do Play School when I was a 5 year old kid: I was entranced by her clacking beaded hair) Floella Benjamin gave an interview to fellow former children's TV presenter Sarah "Greeno" Greene (of Blue Peter fame) ~ and somehow, some little spark inside me got inspired.

For a start I had got it fixed in my mind that a marathon was run ENTIRELY start to finish that is 1. NO STOPPING (at ALL!) and 2. NO WALKING WHATSOEVER. Neither of these fixations were true.

When I realized you were allowed to walk it and say you'd finished I suddenly realized... hey! I did 15, 20 mile walks as a 10 year old kid! Then when I realized that on top of this you were allowed to take tea, coffee and peeing breaks, suddenly the whole idea sounded more doable.

I am the stupid sort of person who (in lifetimes past and if I had known the above) would have gone for a marathon "just to prove I could do it"... dur!

So I watched it on mine and Mother Hubbard's screen pretty transfixed. A marathon! An apex of human achievement! And in the blustering, sunny, blue-and-white spring day, I (somehow) felt a sparkle of life renewed...

BUT NOW FROM HUMAN TROTTERTHONS TO GREMLIN TROTTERS: SPHERICAL HAS GONE MISSING! Yes! I don't know how she did it, but the fat old swine's gone AWOL!! How on earth I'm ever going to get her back I've no idea but I'm putting up a ramp into their glass enclosure and water so she doesn't dry to a crisp. And hoping she will just scuttle up while I'm sleeping and leap back home.

Otherwise she is done for. Please come back, Fat Momma Spherical. You're missed in Trotterovski Land. Spherical, Come Home!

IN THE NEWS: Tiny Tree Frog Causes Panic in British Mall ~ hopping free from bunch of bananas!

Specially for Vincent and Nicole in arachno-tastic ADELAIDE...
Click for my Terrifying Australian Spiders Link here! ~ including horrific Eastern Mouse Spiders and Sydney Funnel Webs... urkkh!!

Terrifying Australian Spider Identification Chart: including poison, pain and terror ratios and fully illustrated horrifically huge Mouse Spider yukkiness...!

Lovely Rooms: Tasteful Swedish Interior Decor blog... (press "Äldre inlägg" to see more)...


Panama Travel Blog...

Re: the mystery of British Chinese takeaway-style curry sauce... Malaysian-Chinese curry cooking... Yeo's curry powder recommended!


Bimbimbie said...

My dad took up marathon running when he retired, he says he shuffles these days. I hope Miss Spherical returns home very soon ... you don't suppose she took part in the London Marathon do you*!*

Gledwood said...

I hope she hasn't bloody left the house. HEY d'you know you were probably leaving that comment at PRECISELY the same MOMENT I was commenting on yours. Have a look at that tree frog addition from today's Sunday Mirror... I put it specially on for you!!

Bimbimbie said...

...I had to take my dog for a quick walk so I missed your visit*!*

I really feel for that poor frog - I have that same feeling of being surrounded by screaming foot stomping shoppers when I step into my local supermarket - what a jungle*!*
Thanks for the story x

Baino said...

Sorry to hear about Spherical, I get that feeling when my dog goes AWOL but fortunately she usually comes back. Very Aussie flavour today. An Irish friend once asked me, "What's it like living in a country where everything wants to kill you". Haha . .it's not that bad. (Although there was a shark attack this week) Snakes and Spiders are shy thank goodness. Except for the big hairy Huntsman living behind my curtain rod!

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie:... yeah i feel sorry for that frog too. pity it's lines couldn't camouflage it in some kind of mall-nightmare subterfuge place thing...

walking the dog!... wow i only just realized it's about 9am MONDAY MORNING at yours... still Sunday night here!!

Baino: huntsman spiders: aren't they TERRIFYINGLY huge and BITE?... don't ALL Aussie spiders bite? Ukkh!!!!!!!

Gledwood said...

(spiders are the only animal that make me feel like i'm gonna pee myself. urkkh!) :-<...

tut-tut said...

OH NO! I hate it when pets are missing! I'll keep my fingers crossed that she'll come back.

I've had a better weekend than week, thank you. Let's hope this week is better, and Spherical returns.

Eileen said...

Happy Sunday Gledwood! One week until I am on your soil! I thnk once I get back I might start a blog....dunno yet! Still not THAT comfy with putting my thoughts out there ya know...I have had MANY Sunday beers today before roast dinner so THEREYAGO.....sunday bloody sunday....

Anonymous said...

Terrible news about Spherical! She's not very big to spot either ... maybe super listening skills could hear her out in the middle of the night chomping on something? We found the largest Red-back Spider I've seen in whole life in Australia yesterday, when cleaning out the garage. There was an army of them in there! Guess we won't be letting the kids have slumber parties there for a while ... ;)

TOM said...

I still think I'd rather drink a cold beer and watch a Marathon than ever actually run one willingly, I have no doubt if I had to I could go 26.2 miles if I had to...as long as there's coffee...Hope Spherical shows soon!!

Vincent said...

I thought the hammies are caged? How did she get out?

Nicole said...

Thanks for the spider links, they were most amusing! Especially the second one where the spiders move every once in a while! We have a redback in our garden, well, one that we see now and again (I'm sure there are more), it lives under one of the big flower pots. In the first week that we were here a white-tail fell off the ceiling onto our bed as well. We weren't sure what kind of spider it was at the time so we looked for it online. We've not had any trouble with them otherwise. They keep to themselves and nobody I know has ever been bitten.

Nicole said...

P.S. I'm terribly concerned for the missing robo!!! I do hope she comes back soon. I would just freak out if one of my pets went missing.

Wim said...

Hey Gledwood,
Thanks for the nice comment on my blog.
Your Dutch is not so bad ;>)

Nice Blog's you have.

greetings Wim


Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ So sorry that Spherical
has gone missing and hope she returns
safe and sound. The Farmers' Markets
probably do import stuff to sell, but the one I went to was quite good.
Do you still like yogurt now you are an adult?
Take great care my friend,Love,Merle.

Patti said...

My hub used to do marathons WAY before we met when he boxed. I can't understand the mystique either.

M- Filer said...

Won't Mama miss her baby's? Is that common for a hammy to abandon the little ones?

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood