HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 07, 2008

General Anaesthetic Snooze

STILL CAN'T SLEEP... still feeling over-tired as if light is shining blinding into my head... and depressed. And slumbering between radio, television and books (I cling to books, reading is a sign of normality: when you're really done for you cannot concentrate to read... at least I can't...)... then eventually turning into a deep deep anaesthetic-like sleep and sleeping so deep and long that I'm dazed and dazzled by the late morning blankness of my ringing phone. What's the call about? The normal dealer's not on: who are YOU scoring off this morning..? Oh the BORING junkie life. Like I said on Friday night, I just want to sleep for ever.

Hey NOBODY commented on my EastEnders trailer: did nobody see it? Did nobody find it funny? It is highly entertaining. Bianca Jackson and her kids performing before some classic faces of Albert Square the Jackson Five's hit "I WANT YOU BACK"...

AS FOR MY TINY TROTTERS they are totally back to normal now. Everyone seems to miss the point: they NORMALLY run away from the human hand; that's what they do (unless you breed your own and hand-tame from weaned); only Itchy as I've said will countenance being picked up ... the others will, in a good mood, come up and sniff my hand, maybe even let me rub 'em between the shoulders. But they're a shy animal. Very fast and very pingy. Flighty galore. How they love to run around in sheer panick! And, moving house, they've had plenty of chance for that!

ERIC USA: I answered your point under where you made it... my apologies didn't get round to answering comments till today tho...

VIDEO: Thompson Twins: Doctor Doctor ~ Micky D 2007 remix
... I'm pretty sure this was the first single my brother ever purchased for himself... In 1984 when it was first released not this 2007 remix ~ duh! The first record we ever bought was by Alexi Sayle... we got it for Mumzy on Mother's Day... if it's there it'll be herebelow...



ALEXEI SAYLE: ELLO JOHN, GOT A NEW MOTOR?... First record I ever bought (how distinguished!) The official promovid was nowhere to be found on Youtube so to save you having to watch the "artist" (a comedian) performing on Top of the Pops); have a look at this carcrashing video instead...

19 comments:

Vincent said...

I only speak for myself now.

"Hey NOBODY commented on my EastEnders trailer: did nobody see it? Did nobody find it funny?".

I skip the movies as fast as I can because I don't like them and they make it longer for me to get to the content I really want to: Your scribbles :-)

Patti said...

Sorry I didn't comment but i'm not familiar with the East Enders and I can't see videos while at work (which is where I blog).

Gledwood said...

Vincent/Patti: ho-hummm... I was just hopin' someone from abroad would watch it and go ~~ ***WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!???!!***

Have a nice day y'all...!

tut-tut said...

Had difficulties getting myself up this morning as well.

I also didn't think I'd "get it" if I watched the East Ender video . . .

Akelamalu said...

I've seen the eastenders trailer and telly and it is really good.

Sorry to hear you're so tired. Do you think you should see a doctor, you've been like that for a while now?

Gledwood said...

TutTut: oh go on and try!! Go on! Pur-lEEAZE!!

Akelamalu: seriously cannot be bothered with doctors... also was diagnosed with ME some years ago so absolutely no point in going back they'll just say it's that

(sad but all TOO TRUE!!)

jmb said...

Hey Gleds, long time no see. Sorry to hear you are down, hope it lifts soon.
I enjoyed looking at your London post. I lived there for 18 months in 1960, a long time ago. It was a fascinating city with so much to see and do. The theatre was my big indulgence. Nowhere in the world like it.
Take care.

lostgirl said...

Hello Gleds too knackered to blog but dropping in to say sorry you're not doing so good either. If you are exhausted just sleep and as for depression I wish I had the cure and could bottle it. Does it help chatting with your mates or seeing the hammies playing? I suppose the trouble with your mood could be attributed to heroin? Is that an incentive to kick it i.e might feel happy again. Oh Gleds how I wish I could rescue you but its tackling the enemy within. you get a lot of interest in your blog and loads of comments, that should tell you something good. People are interested in you and your life. Where are those books you are writing? You could be a reformed character. Keep yer pecker up. Keep going.
all the best
lostgirl x

Bimbimbie said...

Those pop up/down traffic bollards look like a nightmare *!*

Angie said...

Hi Gleds,
Good to hear from you. Sorry to hear that you're feeling down, hope it won't be too long before you're back on form. I've seen the Eastenders video, thought it was brill even though I don't watch Eastenders.I've been pretty busy lately and haven't done much to my blog.Must rectify that situation. Take care Gleds.
Angie

Gledwood said...

JMB: theatre is one of the big things I told myself I'd go for "when I moved down"... which I did of course about 12 years ago ... and have only been to TWO plays (one was Shakespeare: not Romeo and Juliet, The Tempest or one of the Great 4 Tragedies it was one of those boring inbetweeny plays and shockingly dull... been to the opera twice... the Magic Flute at the English National Opera was pretty good and I got seats for £2.50!!!

Lost: I don't have the inspiration to write. I know that's pathetic... or put another way very unprofessional you have to write whether you feel like it or not that is an utter GIVEN about professional writing (imagine if journalists acted that way ~ we'd never get the papers on Sunday... let alone the dailies!!) Many thanks 4 the message... hope you start feeling better soon.... can't they try you with another antidepressant... ever tried mirtazapine? It's drowsymaking to a degree so might help with nighttime anxiety too... also Prothiaden/dothiepin made me EXTREMELY drowsy... that might help you too esp. with that nasty anxiety you have spoken about ;->...

Bimbimbie: they are stupid things!

Angie: lurve the new portrait thingie, Angie! I bet you didn't get a dwarf African frog... you SHOULD you know they are only £2 or £3 each and so exceedingly entertaining! I know someone who lost one through its hopping out so mine was kept in under glass with an airpump aerating the water and ensuring the oxygen level was renewed (a water pump wouldn't have pushed new air in the same way...) I love fish would love to keep them... I don't know why I feel down. Every time I stop I do so I just try to keep going... many thanxx for the message ;->...

Anonymous said...

Those people aren't very good drivers are they! But I wouldn't be expecting great poles of metal to be thrusting up out of a road like that! Are there signs - what are they called?

captain lizardo said...

Whenever I've had to go under general anesthesia, I always try and fight it. I focus on a certain object in the room (like the clock) and fix my gaze tight. As they inject the medicine, I can feel it creep up my arm and I just keep tellingmyself I can beat it this time. It hasn't ever worked so far, but that doesn't keep me from trying!

It's not a comment, it's an answer!

Keshi said...

Insomniac...thats I AM! :)

There's another Sinhalese song for u in my blog hehe.

Keshi.

M- Filer said...

Your Bianca video has been yanked unfortunately, but the thompson Twins made me feel so meloncholy--in a good way. God, that song really brings me to a place that I cherish.

I know that feeling of needing for sleep, and no end to it. How did I ever support myself? I guess I kept loosing jobs.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope you are feeling
better by now. It was a lot of effort for you moving so that would explain your tiredness and need to sleep. Get lots more rest and hopefully soon you will be fine again and get back to writing. I am so sorry it is still so darn cold in the UK for you, and hope
it soon warms up - even that would help you feel brighter. Do you like your new room now you are settled. I hope so. Take care of yourself.Thinking of you, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Anon: those things: automatic bollards. I would expect the people who got caught out weren't local, didn't see the signs and were not expecting bits of metal to prong out the road at them

Capt. L: you cannot beat the chemistry!

Keshi: cheers. my sleep is all over the place. (still)...

Mfiler: Bianca IS still there... surely that is not UK only ... if the BBC had put it there it would be in far better quality. Try it again, it worked for me just now. I got a proper Eastenders clip from 1986 it's classic but would probably mean nothing at all to you :->...

Merle: you're right it almost certainly is caused by moving. also i've failed to properly unpack yet so boxes, etc all over place. ukkh!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood