(BELLS AND WHISTLES OFF.)
While I would be the last person to say I wasn't psycho any more, I don't feel like I did. I thought "normal" would be boring and would rather have gone back up high. Wherever it was I went. Left, right, which direction I don't know. Not straight up. Not down. I did go down. Right down. Felt like I was paying for the worst crime, but I didn't even know what it was. All I could see, when I closed my eyes, was a black shroud closing against me. With film of the most vile things going in the background.
I curled into a ball and tried to Heal.
That is all I could do. So I am hoping that was it. Up. Down. Left. Right. Over. Not out. I hope.
The clinic are getting me a dr's appointment. How grandiose I must have been, to use a psych-sounding word, to imagine I could ring up and get one that same day!
You can do that, but you're basically asking directly for admission to hospital and I don't want to go there.
So I am still at home.
I have got myself in a position now where I absolutely have to take it easy. If I don't, I might really set myself off on one.
E.g. someone tried to give some friendly advice. I probably took it the wrong way and went way over the top. Yelling. Crying. The whole shebang. The local shop where I get alcohol basically, however many times a day (they know how much I drink because it's normally the same shop and single cans. They're open 24 hours, so no stocking up for me. What I buy, I drink, quickly.
And I don't want to be an alcoholic, so I suppose I have to watch that one too.
... the local shop now think I'm a nutter as well as a junkie alcoholic. O thanks a lot.
I am still off the nasty heroin.
Normally a text message offering the "best dark" (ie brown heroin) would have sent me right there. After quizzing the dealer closely that it actually WAS the best. All the ones who knew me knew one thing that pissed me right off was crap B, which is why I ended up testing it for people. Which is hard to get out of, when it's free. That's what that two free samples was about. The phone was going on and on, basically the man wanting marks out of ten on each but I was so out of it basically I lost both. And didn't care. As I said, I had got to the point of Losing Interest in heroin.
Which I cannot explain. Except to say (and I disagree with NA here, because I never saw all drugs as the same and nothing could replace my heroin. I would never in a million years take e.g. methadone and valium and say it had in any way compensated for No Heroin. Nothing ever came close to Heroin. It was all I was interested in. I relied on it to sleep, to get up, to eat, to do anything, to deal with anything. An extra bodily function, and an expensive one at that.
I am not on Valium by the way, that's just hypothetical. I'm only on methadone and a bit of drink. (Yes, still drinking away!)
The drugs I have given up: ecstasy, cannabis, lsd, mushrooms, ketamine, speed, crack and coke etc etc ~ none of these ever tempt me. Crack came closest, because it is used on the same scene as, and comes from the same dealers as heroin. But those others, I wouldn't even know where to get them now and though I bang on about ecstasy if you gave me a couple of good pills now and a ticket for a new year's eve party, I can assure you I would still have the pills and ticket intact on the date. And I probably wouldn't go. No temptation.
So if heroin has gone in one of those boxes, neatly lined up with other drugs' names on, I'm not too worried. Speed, for example: never in a million years. Cocaine powder: didn't understand what all the fuss was about. I actually found it an uncontrollable high, harder than crack to deal with and I didn't like the way it climbed and climbed after not seeming to work for ages. I'm talking half an hour of line-sniffing ages. Then BANG! UP!!!! No thanks. Acid: no. etc etc etc. I won't bang on and on.
I'm really wary of ever saying Past Heroin For Good because I know other people have so much trouble, just as I did when I was on on on on on it. Bigtime. So if I'm sounding all smug and prissy to someone out there, take it from me: 10 years lost to a needle, as head over heels addicted as it is humanly possible to be, no question. Even the other junkies told me I had it bad.
Whatever happened over the last few days? That must qualify as my most lost weekend ever. Certainly it got lost without drugs... how can that be possible even?
My memories are like photos scattered all over the floor. Absolute whirl. If it had got any worse I genuinely would not have known what I was doing. As it was, I didn't know what was going on part?/or all? of the time. I've gone well past desperately seeking labels and in a way don't want one. Being able to cope. Properly. Would be nice.
Better leave it there. Thanks for the messages. I cannot be blogging or internetting all the time; I don't wanna go off on one again. So I might not be able to see anyone or answer any email till tomorrow earliest.
1604: sorry to add a negative ps still not ok. why do i keep kidding myself i'm fine, i'm not
basic truth. not ok. if that sounds like someone being genuinely crap, just look at how out of it i was over the weekend and ask yourself whether you could make it the entire length of a street with people spitting and swearing at you without causing some serious trouble?
all i could do was convince myself that it was NOT REAL, therefore, if anybody did actually slag me off on the street, i honestly haven't a clue. because i do not know what was or was not real and i still don't feel ok. i feel fragile as an ice sculpture. hence the crap illustration
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