HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Why

I AM IN A BAD MOOD. Been that way day. Can't snap out of it (I'm trying). I just went to the Chinese takeaway. If the trek there and back and the crap
with having to bish bash bosh eye contact, pulling face into smile all that crap etc works as aversion therapy then I'm not bothering going again. I only got it because I was indulging a greed craving. Don't feel better for having eaten anything.

I was asked yesterday why I am so hard on myself. Well if someone stuck you repeatedly with drugs of all varieties, lied to you, contantly made promises they caved in on at the first opportunity, made you depressed, drove you cuckoo, tried to kill you twice and made you and your house a complete mess: would you like them? Would you TRUST them ever again?

That's why I don't like and cannot trust myself.

12 comments:

Syd said...

I hope that the day gets better.

Sid said...

Aye food just doesn't do it anymore...

Having a proper dump makes me happier :)

Hope your good otherwise mate

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hmmm Gleds,
When I'm having bad days, I practice smiling. I don't know if it helps at all, but maybe sends a signal to my brain telling it to be happy.
Can't prove it ,
Hope tomorrow is a much better, brighter day.
[ About my sister, I don't think they gave her anything in prison.She had to suffer it out, but she's ok now ]
Take good care of yourself,
j.

Anonymous said...

You sound perfectly rational. The common saying in my circles is "if anyone treated me the way I've treated myself I'd kill them". Yes, you have been awful to yourself, and you may not like who you are, but you need to learn to love yourself anyway. It's easier said than done, but it is doable!
So I haven't read all or even most of your blogs, but I've read a few. I can certainly relate to feeling in control of drugs until falling down the heroin hole and not being able to ever quite climb out of it. But there is a way out, it's very simple but not easy. You need to stop taking drugs. All of them. Alcohol, methadone, street drugs, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety pills, and all the rest. Anti-depressants and mood stabilizers are okay if necessary, but really it's impossible to diagnose a drug user as having psychiatric problems. There is no way to tell where a symptom is coming from with drug users.
Anyway, I like you Gledwood, and it seems you are on the cusp of making some big changes. I really wish you would just jump in and do it. Anything has to be better than how you've been living! Get off the methadone as soon as possible, don't take anything else, and get your ass to a NA meeting. Be a miracle.

Kicked Its Ass! said...

Sometimes when crying out for help, it arrives in a form we don't recognize. Don't they call it a blessing in disguise? This drought is such an opportunity for addicted folk to get together and encourage each other to kick the habit that keeps them trapped. It's so hard to go it alone, but together you can conquer the world! You're good pipl with a bad habit to kick.

Akelamalu said...

I'm hoping your day improves and I'm still hoping you get clean. x

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I hope you are better today. I like you, by the way.

SB

lizzydripping said...

gledwood stay safe and stay strong and stop being hard on yourself. sounds like you are still goiing through the mill (not literally i hope!)
have you got any friends close by ? this internet lark is all well and good but sometimes real human contact is what is needed.
take care mate tomorrow is another day but it will always be different from today. x

Anonymous said...

How long have you been off heroin?
Is it a week ago today that you got to see your doctor?
How are you feeling?
Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Hello,
We are having a bad day too, we both have Horrible Colds ( Not much of a comparison) I take medication for depression. Anonymous said some good stuff.
Do You have to Like Yourself to Live with Yourself?
If I have a really bad day I just don't get out of bed, but , I haven't had one of those for a while.
Best Wishes for a Better Day,
CJ

Anna Grace said...

I Wish we could make each other happy. Unfortunately the only person who can make us happy is ourselves.

Self esteem, you should write a song about it. That song you wrote a while back was really good.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Gledwood said...

I can't believe I never replied to this. That would be typical.

Syd: It did then, but I'm still down in the dumps a week later. How typical.

Sid: I wish I could be happy shitting. I hate shitting, pissing. Eating sometimes. That's why I loved heroin, it made eating dead easy. Odd or what??

Taffeta: they never gave your sister anything? What bastards. Why doesn't she sue?

I know what you mean about smiling. I wasn't in the mood to look at anyone let alone smile. :-(

Anon: thank you. I don't want any drugs though I started telling myself I do. It's now Dec 20, about 8 days later. I was depressed before I ever went on heroin, I definitely got depressed before I tried any drugs. I'm only on methadone now and depressed. I gave up drink several times and that made no difference. But I decided to clear it ALLl out. I don't expect to feel any better. I would be kidding myself if I did

Kicked: you're right that drought was a blessing in disguise. I hardly hear anybody say that though. They are all still too addicted, which is depressing

Akelamalu: I did on Tuesday but it came back :-(

SB: thanks %-/

Lizzie: thanks. I never really expected to feel good off heroin. Like I say it kept me together. Never made me happy, but did keep me together so without it I feel crap. Methadone never helped except to stop withdrawal.

Anon: On the day I posted that I was probably a week clear of heroin but on methadone. Now on 20 December it's about 2 weeks 2 days

CJ: I try and avoid not getting out of bed, but hibernate in a chair instead!!

Anna: you're 100% right

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood