HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Confession

I'M NOW ONLY ONE DAY CLEAN. Last night I wanted to score. I turned the idea over and over in my mind. I wiped my old text messages then a new one appeared, timed fifteen minutes earlier. This was from Dealer #1, the one who used to sell giant £20 bags. So I thought: You want it that much. You get it. So I did.

In a way there's nothing to post because the gear was so crap* that drugs-wise I might as well have chucked £15 down the drain and saved a perfectly good needle. It cooked up far too dark. It smelled of heroin being smoked, rather than cooked (a different smell). I thought that's odd. When I tasted a droplet: nothing. So I banged up the entire lot at once and felt the faintest opiate tinge for all of 45 seconds.

All I've done is ruin my number of Days Clear, not get high, throw £15 away.

On the plus side I got the craving to use out of my system. The same way I gave up crack two years ago, yet wondered back six or seven times afterwards, I never wanted it again the next day. I just remembered why I hated it that much. I no more want to use again than a person who went to Disney Land on Monday would wish they were on a rollercoaster again Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

Heroin is a spectre from a past life. More a ghoul than a spectre. A monster who tries to deceive: You give me everything, then I'll give you More! Somehow, in the end, it didn't work.

So don't worry about me, I won't be hurrying back any time soon. I have Caramel Baileys, mince pies and temazepam, so I'm well sorted for Xmas.

Hope y'all have a Merry One one too. If it can't be Merry then may it be Tolerable. If you're 100% substance-free then may it be Serene (and of course Clean).


Plus I hope 2011 is better for you than this Bag-o-Shite year ever was!!

The doggie is an American Akita, the sort of dog I really want.

I'll be online on Gabbly tomorrow so if anyone wants to talk I'll be there.

*To anyone who hasn't followed, there has been a severe drought in the British heroin supply for over 2 months; that's why my formerly reliable dealer was selling crap. It's hard to find a constant, reliable source of heroin anywhere now.

16 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

Well, sweets- we're human.
It's all a process.
Merry Christmas! I hope it's a good one. I do. Or at least as good as it can be.
I bought my husband some Bailey's (regular) for Christmas. He has already opened it and is drinking it with coffee. A sort of speed-ball, I guess, for the non-heroin users.
We all do what we can.

Gledwood said...

I wish I weren't human. I wish I were an angel. Then I wouldn't be able to use drugs.

Knowing my luck I'd be a demon and live in misery and pain and not even be able to drug myself to feel better.

O what am I going to do!!

Thanks for the thoughts, you're right.

Baileys in strong coffee, instead of milk, is really nice.

I've opened mine too, it's in the fridge, away from me. If I kept it out, the whole lot would have gone by now and I'd probably feel sick from sugar and cream poisoning!

I hope your Xmas is good. Don't drink too much Baileys, then I won't either!

PS get some mince pies if you can find them, they're really nice. I never even knew till yesterday they don't really have them in America

Syd said...

Gleds, thanks for stopping by. I wish you a good day tomorrow. If I could, I would beam you over to the buffet dinner. Take care and enjoy the mince pies. We do have mince pies here that are imported from England. We also have the americanized version. Will you be seeing your mother? Good night to you.

Gledwood said...

American mince pies? Wow!! America has just leapt in my estimation. I wouldn't mind living there now. New York City and Mince Pies. Wow!!

Bimbimbie said...

... oh well now you know you haven't been missing anything.

Loved the behind the story of Fairyale of New York.

Enjoy your mince pies Gleds Merry Christmas*!*

jams o donnell said...

Here's hoping that 2011 is a better year. All the best

Sid said...

I feel guilty now.. Hope it was nothing to do with me!!

Sorry :(

I was thinking of guest blog subjects... could do something like NA but that might be a bit controversial!

Or maybe something that has nothing to do with drugs at all!

Happy Christmas mate

S

Sid said...

How about;

How much the availability of drugs actually has a bearing on substance mis-use and whether prohibition has a place?

IE: In persia where you can buy opium over the counter (or at least you used to be able to) 80% Of the adult population are addicts.
Human nature is to explore...

How ethical is the criminalisation of natural plants

OR

Drug use over the years?

Im trying to think of a subject that neither of us have covered much but is relevant and interesting without being predictable..

You got any ideas?

jmb said...

Merry Christmas to you Gleds, hang tough and I hope 2011 will be the one where everything changes for the better for you.

jmb said...

Merry Christmas to you Gleds. Hang tough and may 2011 be the year where everything changes for you in a positive way.

Jeannie said...

Merry Christmas Gleds!

Bailey's is a Christmas tradition around here - I bought my daughter some but I make it for us as we always have a bottle or Irish or Canadian whiskey around that no one drinks and it makes a good use for it and is much cheaper when you glug it back as I do. My husband and I went through 2 bottles of it on holiday!

Glad that your attempt to use fell pretty flat for you. All for the best right?

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: those mince pies were the most luxurious I could find with the best most brandy-soaked mincemeat in Morrisons "Morrisons Best"... I ate 'em in the night. It was after midnight, so technically they got eaten Xmas day..!

Jams: eheers. 2011 will be all clean. I'm pulling the plug soon on all this drink and pills. I'm waiting till my house is clean, then pulling the plug. Then I can be as miserable as I like. Or as happy. I'm hoping to be deliriously happy but somehow that might not happen, methinks

Sid: you have nothing at all to be guilty for! Thanks for those ideas. I did the history of heroin, which told me quite a lot. I still think there's more I could find out.
The history of heroin is annoying as there's loads of stuff about Double UO Globe labs in Laos, when we have to put up with bullshit Afghan #3. I found out btw there is supposedly something called "SW 999" brand, it's Afghan white heroin hydrochloride at 95% purity. I'm not sure whether that's an apocryphal story or what, but I read it online... What I resented most about heroin was buying an Afghan product when I'd so much rather have given money to mystical Hill Tribe peasants in a land of golden pagodas, incense, smiling Buddhas, chopsticks, tonal languages and the funkiest writing in the world. Never Afghanistan, not in a million years!

JMB: many thanks ;->...

Jeannie: yeah it was such a waste of time. I posted it because I felt dishonest not to and it would make me feel ill people mentioning 6 weeks clear when I was only 3. I felt like a real idiot now I don't care so much. In a way it got the desire to use out of my system... do you put the whiskey into the Baileys? I'd never thought of doing that. Can you get cheapo Baileys knockoffs in Canada? Here there are about 10 various brands named Irish Mist, Carolans, O'Grady's etc I kept forgetting which was nicest. Some are pretty rank. How can anyone with the resources of a massive drinks company ever make something they KNOW is substandard, I don't understand.

Thanks for the messages folks :-)

Sid said...

Morning.

By history I was meaning more the history of addiction, like how it was legal in victorian times and the ladies used to have opium parties, injecting eachother.. Im sure I read somewhere that after the second world war there was something like 200,000 UK addicts and the supply was cut off they all had to cluck.. I didn't realise we had such a big problem back then..!

Other ideas..

The glamourisation of heroin in the media and the effect this has on new users?

Different countries detox procedures over history, im sure I read somewhere years ago about an experimental opiate detoxification in Russia where they immersed addicts in very hot water for a few days... lol .. could this be true!?

S

Sid said...

This is interesting...Don't know if you have read it?

Anna Grace said...

I still love you. I sort of felt this coming. Your thousands of miles away, but I think we have a connection. Or it could just be two addicts who know how addict minds work.

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

sorry i missed gabby-ing on xmas!! i would have loved it! hope that we all have a better 2011 "than this bag-o-shite year ever was"! well said!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood