HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, December 05, 2010

So another night

SO ANOTHER NIGHT WITH NO SLEEP. Just found out a good one. The more pacing around I do, the higher I feel. Really brings me up. So no more lying in bed knowing I won't fucking sleep for me!! Ukh. Still in hallucinatory state if that is the expression. Psychiatrists and their mumbojumbo can all go to hell. When I get to see one, which I will ensure hapens Monday I will give the fucker the hardest time possible. In fact the way I feel I might actually top meself before I get in there.
O my mind my head is just racing around and will not stop. Is this sanity??
The bullshit the idiot at the nuthouse spouted at me was true gobshite. That £5 crack could in any way be responsible for this. Message for other lost mental health fuckers: get real. If people have symptoms PREDATING drug use by decades, going back to childhood (depression) and otherness (20s) that was technically after I'd tried a lot of things but if that makes me undiagnosable then so is about another 50% of the population my age.
At my worst I was feeling so fucking desperate I will not go into detail. It will only upset people \i care about. Just fucking crazy shit. Out of my brains. Stuff that gets people in the papers. Ukh. How can that even cross my mind.
And why did people tell me about being horribly sexually abused? As children and adults (raped/etc). All this stuff is stuck in my head and oozing out. Not good.
Dont go t taking this rant too literally i'm just sleep deprived. how on earth it is possible to feel so good/bad at the same time i do not understand but i do ho ho ho.
free father xmas drugs. i'm demanding a piss test on monday. that i do myself. they can do what they like with their bit. drink it if they like. probably would the perverts.
fucking idiot mental health drug workers why do i even have to think about such a corrupt system? that gives no choice and cares not one jot for how people actually feel.
i have gone past wanting heroin. but lots of people haven't. so give them heroin. put an end to all the crazy madness right now. just shut up and do it. and make it easy to get on and off. don't give it to a tiny select few or they'll never wanna come off it, because they will think they will never get it back.
just use some basic common sense for once and maybe actually listen to what someone who has been there has to say instead of relying on frankly unsympathetic/cruel observations from 1940s medical books.
ok rant over. had to rant about something. spinning in every direciton possible. free drugs. i'm convinced i got somehow spiked with crack now fucking high has a kite!!! for free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

don't get too envious you crazy fuckers out there. i was seriously suicidal not much longer than 2 hours ago

look i gotta go. know i probably shouldn't post this but what the fuck
i'm ok and don't worry about me.
no heroin!
no heroin!
never planning on ever taking it again

hey i just ate something for the 1st time in God knows how long. was seriously starting to feel nauseated from lack of food, which made me not want to eat. and there was black hair growing out the side of the can, i ate it cold out the can, tinned soup. not in mood for cooking of any kind. my eyes hurt
i don't feel as bad as i did at the worst of it maybe i am finally coming down
all i want to do is sleep, i have not slept AT ALL since ... whenever it was


Gledwood said...

345 still awake. how is this even possible

what time is it in wisconsin central time usa. -6 i think cannot do maths at tthis hour

i'm going there

Gledwood said...

might as well.
found out moving about made it far worse, really set me off
went down the road then a pair of police cars parked together lights flashing blazing into my brains unreal
this is all on nothing, you know
that was doing my head in earlier
now i just don't care
free entertainment!

Gledwood said...

ps thanks for other message coral reef did read it but lacking patience to type into phone sorry

got it bad, i know. i wanted to email you but wasn't sure how/what address etc, i know i should know it. it's just v v late and no sleep

speak later. btw if you did speak to me i don't think id sound as fruitloops as i might do in print
no idea what's wrong with me
something must be
this is just not what happens on heroin-methadone only transfer.
never heard of it happening to anyone else
seriously annoyed with mental health profession and drug workers
haven't a clue what they're dealing with, seriously

Furtheron said...

"It takes time dear!" A well worn phrase in AA around my are from a lady I sadly never met she died, sober, many years ago. But her memory lives on.

Step 1 - Get off the shit you are taking, whatever it is.
Step 2 - Stay off!
Step 3 - Try to get some peace and serenity in your life and head so that you can cope with it all...

Sounds easy.... bloody hell!!! I remember the last dark days of drinking the standing on the cliff wanting to jump but couldn't.

BTW - NA comes from AA basis - history is fascinating if you look into it

Z said...

Can't do a damn thing to help of course, but I am here thinking of you. Best wishes and love from Zoë xx

Lady Anon said...

Glad you are feeling a bit better..hoping you are asleep right now...

...Just hang on by the tips of your fingers...

Mental health people don't know you personally so they need to ask about drug use....for some people...that IS the reason they're seeing things!!

But I agree its lazy thinking...& they don't even have the excuse that they're on gear! (well maybe some of them....)

I need to eat something too..this gear's not strong enought to actually make me want food....And its COLD outside where all the shops are!

Do you have people around? Sometimes its helpful to have conversation..if only to help you organize your thoughts!!

Keep posting though...& we'll keep commenting in this wierd virtual space!

ps Gillian McKeith is a TV nutritionist...she seems to be EVERYWHERE I look

Akelamalu said...

I am SERIOUSLY worried about you :(

Gattina said...

You remind me of a bounce back figure, or a cat, half dead and then still alive ! Listen to yourself, the good Gled, not the bad one !
Drugs will never be legalized ! Imagine the whole economic system in the world would break down. Prisons would be closed, wardens jobless, dealers jobless have to become parfum salesmen, the film industry would have no subject anymore and half of the police would not be needed anymore ! etc etc.
And no suspense for the druggies, if you can buy your stuff at Tesco !

molson said...

Sounds like it's getting a little manic up in here at least to a casual observer from another dimension. Me thinks this drought is doing you no good Gledwood; no good at all. Try and keep it under Mach 0.8 if you can. We don't want the wings to fall off. You'll know your going too fast when you feel the control stick start to shake.

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, good to know the urge to sleep and eat is beginning to kick in for you - don't miss seeing the dr on Monday though*!*

Gledwood said...

I'm going clinic 2morrow. really at end of teather to do with something someone said, probably not meaning to set me off, but have done

really really fuking had enough enough

don't worry i won't do heroin

not making any promises re anything else ~ train, fire, window etc had it fucking had it had it had had had it it it it

Anonymous said...

Hi gledwood, spent the whole night from 1am-5am reading yr blog and the 800+ responses to what some called the heroin draught, funny no smack blowing under my door frame, backwards on a phone. Great stuff! Hope you don't buy any of the rubbish that's out there and speak to someone about the crazy stuff.

Baino said...

Wow just catching up, you've had a busy weekend. Lost the plot completely. I'm not convinced by Val. Anyone shipping 700kgs is not going to blab about it on the blog. I'd be interested to know what prison she's in frankly.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood