HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Still here

I WENT TO BED AROUND 3AM, GOT UP AT 7:30AM. I felt dire. I spent an hour in a chair, knocking back methadone and three huge wine glasses of tapwater. I drank so much last night I was actually (slightly) hung over. Buying white cyder in 3-litre bottles was not the good idea I thought it was.

I barely get hangovers now. Somebody told me this has to do with opiate-dependence and I think they were right.

Actually I spent more than an hour in that chair. More like three. Finally at approaching quarter past eleven after two more enormous wineglasses of Hair of the Dog white cyder I'm starting to feel OK.

Everything I said in that earlier post "Gun to my head" was (unfortunately) true.

I got a comment from Gattina just now. Gattina is now a grandmother. She lives in Belgium with her Italian husband. Is German born, but speaks French (and English). In fact she speaks four languages fluently plus Dutch*, which she always says she doesn't speak, but if I can follow it just from knowing German and having studied a tiny bit of Dutch, I know she can. Notice I say "follow" not "speak".

She says I have to do what I have to do and in my mother's words Take Responsibility.

This is the crux of the problem: that's exactly what I tell myself! So why won't I listen?

Anyway who cares about listening; it's doing that counts. So I'm doing what I have to, albeit far FAR more slowly than I'd like. Chucking everything I don't need out out OUT.

*Gattina's grandson lives in Amsterdam and the northern part of Belgium speaks Flemish or Vlaams, as they call it, a dialect of Dutch.

15 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I suppose drinking cider is better than injecting heroin.

Gledwood said...

Hmmmm. In the short term, true, in the long term not so. I really have to stop. that's why I catalogue how much I've drunk (when I can remember): my onine drink diary. It was supposed to stop by new year but I'm not sure it can. Fuck it I'll do it. I have to stop everything. But I NEED to get my house clear. Then I can have as many nervous breakdowns as I please. Unfortunately that's a real possibility. I'm not being dramatic, just pragmatic. I feel barely held together now. Without a chemical to do it for me I'm not sure I can do it for myself. I wish that wasn't so but it seems to be the case

lizzydripping said...

mmmm i think white cider is dangerous long term,by neighbour exploded from inside out from many years of white cider drinking - white diamond is what we get down here, i have not been around for a while but glad to see you are still blogging, try not to be too hard on yourself you spent years getting into this pickle so it will take sometime to get out of it,patience is what you need but sometimes patience does not arrive quick enough,
take care x :)

Baino said...

Gattina is right and very wise. Keep decluttering because 'doing it' does count. Cider gives me an awful headache. Gleds, lean on people, friends, drug workers anyone when you feel like this. You don't have to do it alone.

Jeannie said...

If cider is the lesser of two evils, use it as a stepping stone to a better place. Drinking is more socially acceptable, if nothing else, and help more readily available I think, to quit that in time.

Obviously, you need chemical help of some type. Ideally, I think you should be in a facility where you can get physically free of all the crap you've done and then can be scientifically experimented on to find that magic concoction that would make you feel level - if it exists. Otherwise, I think you run the risk of self-medicating whenever things are off. It would be nice if all of us could go to that magical place.

Gledwood said...

Akh I can't believe I'm compromising on this but I'm going to have to taper off this drink aren't I? I think I am starting to get addicted to it. I've been drinking for nearly ten years as well. It started out as Dutch Courage for begging on the street (not exactly easy when you're middle class and hitting your fellow middle classes for money (beggars I knew tended to be more middle class than shoplifters))... what am I saying. Yeah I wish I could continue cleaning at a more comfortable rate. I've decided to clear the worst tonight and CLEAN the cooker (clagged on cooking) sink (like a swamp, half-blocked, really horrible, I use the bathroom one) and the bathroom (not that bad but awful by ordinary standards) do all this and when the landlord comes as I'm sure he will I can say look I've done all this and I'll have to be straight with them. If I have to I'll tell them I gave up drugs and (slowly) giving up drinking. That might score me a point

Danny said...

my sinks i could also describe as being like swamps. my carpets like a forest floor.

regardless, i've been meaning to leave a comment for a while but i wonder: have you ever thought about ayuasca or dmt as a means of trying to get off smack? you probably have already heard of these rituals they do in africa and south america using these hallucinagens to get addicts on the path to recovery. very ancient roots and herbs. dmt or something like it (melatonin) is produced in the brain.

some alcos swear by them too, these treatments. i think the crux is focused on the psychological aspect of things mainly so i don't know how much of a long term alleviating would occur - as opposed to continual chemical substitutes.

anyway, thought it might be worth putting out there to you if you hadnt thought of it already.

Syd said...

Going from one addiction to others isn't uncommon. Eventually, those who are recovered don't have to be addicted to booze, drugs, sex, etc. Read the Big Book of AA and see what it says.

Syd said...

Gleds, here is a good post by Jess about cleaning up a house and our own selves:
http://christianchickblog.blogspot.com/2010/12/next-we-launch-out-on-course-of.html

Janice said...

Gled,

I'm proud of you for trying, but remember to take it one step at a time.

And don't give up!

Janice~

Gledwood said...

Danny: thanks for your comment I just answered at yours. That post of yours is quite vivid!!

DMT was one thing I was wary of. I did start asking after it but had heard it was like very intense acid, which I'd already experienced. I know it wears off quick but DMT has the style of trip I wasn't so much into. (Far preferred ketamine's dissociation. And I loved the way nobody can walk into a ketamine trip. And the way I didn't even know I was a person during the peak of the trip, let alone remember my name or my life... I loved that.

Ibogaine is very interesting but I'm wary of that too. My mind needs balancing and I'm afraid anything remotely psychedelic will perturb it.

Syd: I'm clearing my floor by scrubbing it. As we speak. OK in one second...

I should have an e-version of the AA big book. I have to say I'd FAR prefer it on paper. So oldschool, me :-)

Sweden said...

I'M BACK!!!

thanks for the kind words on eileens blog wondering where i was lol
i got hacked and wasnt able to log into anything Facebook, blog, hotmail, nothing for fear he would steal my passwords and mess around.then i got a terrible flu and was in bed for a few days


hope all is well with you gleds, poor mango might be sick :(

Gledwood said...

Poor Mango. I'm glad you came back. I thought you'd gone bipolar or gone to Sweden!

Akelamalu said...

You sound so much more resolute now Gleds, I think you will do it!

Gledwood said...

I HAVE TO!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood