HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

This is what I look like Anna

THIS is why I say I'm in a mess, Anna.

When I look in the mirror I see Worzel Gummidge.

I am in a terrible mess.

Worzel Gummidge looks better than me.

At least Worzel Gummidge got paid for being on TV.



PS this is what I look like in drag:



I wouldn't want to meet me down a dark alley!!

14 comments:

Anna Grace said...

I'll send you a digital camera, then you can send me pics of your Hamsters and of you.

I feel like shit today too. I'm sure you more handsome than the photo you posted.

I like you either way.

Gledwood said...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think I look fantastic. No I don't I look wrose than Worzel. John Pertwee needed hours of makeup to look like that. I just look like it anyway

Syd said...

Well, your hair might need some conditioner or something. Looks a bit dry to me!

Terry Wright said...

Yesterday I had a complete meltdown when I looked through my Xmas photos. I looked nothing like I thought and instead was faced with a sick looking, fat, tired old drug addict.

It shook me up so much that I'm going to do something about ... I have to!

If only I looked as good as the photos you posted!

Anyway, Merry Xmas Gleds and I hope you have a better 2011.

Talk soon.

Gledwood said...

SYD: I think I should cut it off and sell it to a local farmer. It should feed cows quite nicely. Or perhaps you could recycle it into paper...?

TERRY: akh I never posted the addicts' Xmas did I but I did put up heroin. Did Worzel Gummidge come on Australian TV? We got Funky Squad which was brilliant. If you did get Worzel Gummidge then on behalf of Queen and country may I sincerely apologize

Z said...

You don't scare me, Gledwood. I would like to meet you one day.

Gledwood said...

Be warned though. Usually I go for the drag look. With more dirt on my face

Gledwood said...

(Police said I was the only tranny they'd arrested with maggots dropping out of my hair)...

Z said...

You're a tranny? How come I missed that? I'm good with that, maggots and all. Not planning a visit to London for a bit, but sometime in the next few months.

Gledwood said...

I used to post about my Diana Ross fright wig all the time. it was electric blue end everything.

The maggots are really exotic. When they hatch they turn into iridescent rainbow butterflies the size of small birds.

Z said...

I took the fright wig in my stride, probably looked no further. I'm awfully conventional and nice, we'll look fabulously incongruous together!

Gledwood said...

OK I'll have to remember to bring a fright wig. What suits best: electric blue, luminous green, canary yellow or more-than-shocking pink~~~?

Gledwood said...

.... I meant suits me not you. But you're welcome to the psychedelic spares if ya like!

Z said...

I'm looking forward to the blue. And not for me thanks, I think the contrasting look of sensible me and fabulous you will be more striking.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood