HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Me/Valerie/etc

I still have not slept. The trip to the chemist to get methadone was the all-time pits with people swearing and spitting. Only way to deal with it was remind self it is called "paranoia" and not real. But that's not easy. My mind is still tripping out, everything sounds incredibly loud. People on the street do my head in. I still hear voices words coming from everywhere. I have stopped worrying that I am losing my mind and trying to have fun with it. It is a bit like free drugs. Still there are dinnerplates and bottles and glasses everywhere. I mention this because anyone who's been genuinely suicidal will know instantly what these items can very quickly be used for. But I don't feel depressed I just feel weird. I am trying to blame it on bad heroin, but am not at all sure that is true. I actually rang the nuthouse earlier. First thing I mentioned was the drugs, I'm not hiding that one. I asked whether anyone has menttioned trippy stuff in heroin he said no. And there is the place they would know about it if geaer was sending people crazy. If anything I think what's doiong it is NO GEAR. I have been self-medicating for years (not my expression, drug clinic came up with that one) and now I'm not self-medicating and methadone is just a hopeless replacement for heroin. I'm only not complaining about it because I am so fed up of drugs of all kinds I never want any more ever again. Including sleeping pills even though I can't sleep and I know 3 people who would give me them. I have never been the type by the way to take 4 or more downers at once and spend the evening hanging off a lamppost. I only ever used them to sleep.

Anyway subject change. I haven't got a photo of her, bc she's an international narcotics trafficker, wanted in 46 countries. But meet Valerie, who comes from St Kilda in melbourne. (Is St Kilda even v posh? I have no idea. I just made Valerie's house enormous.)

The Anna in question is Anna Grace in Wisconsin, who Viv desperately hopes knows a good heroin chemist to turn the next crop of Burmese poppies into top grade shit!

Val said...
Hi Babes Melbourne here. I have a 700kg delivery of that lovely Burmese white sugar coming through Sunday evening. Should come in at Sydney Harbour on a North Korean registered ship at around 1800 hrs. So I'll be getting me spoon out in readiness for a fresh new batch. The shit we're on at the moment is, quite frankly, stale. I know what orifices it has been in, whose they were and for how long. And yet still I'm banging away at it like crazy. As for the baby, guess what that was? Gall bladder problems!
Now I MUST HAVE A MOAN about the police. Have they nothing better to do than harrass innocent housewives like me? There I was driving down the lane, taking my 8 and 12 year old (don't know whose the 12 year old is, but he ain't bruce's that's for sure. Bruce has strawberry blond hair and blue eyes. This kid looks African! I said oh it must be a genetic throwback as I'm partially Australian aboriginal, and he bought it! Plus a 17 carat blue diamond sparkler for me neck. We were doing real well on the China white back then. Importing tonnes of the stuff. Those kids out there in Sydney and Melbourne go crazy for the stuff. I'm not that into it meself. Only do an eighth a day me. Which isn't much when you know there's still 44kg we haven't bothered to fish out of the fuel tank on the rusty old tractor back at our farm (near Perth, Western Aus, lovely place to bring up the kids. Only Bastard Bruce, always after a Brucey Bonus (got that one from shit british tv we get imported in on cable. Sell shit, you buy shit. Law of the jungle, darling.
Now Anna my dear I know you are well connected, tell me where can I get one thousand metric tonnes of acetic anhydride? I nead it real quick.
Those peasants will be scraping away at those weeds in not too long! Would you spend all day in the long hot sun just so some bastard in Western Aus or wherever could get high? I wouldn't. Keep it for meself, I would. Apart from that 44kgs which had fucking better be where they're supposed to be, or there truly will be trouble I proomise you that. Apart from that we've barely 80g left and that has to last me and Bruce possibly into next week if those North Koreans get lazy. Ukk. How bad can life get.
Anyway I was having a rant at the police dear wasn't I?
Yeah, just driving merrily along. Delivering the little sweeties to school. Having a nice pipe on crack behind the wheel, as you do, when some bastard pulled me over. At first I thought he thought it was a mobile phone! Gave me a real talking to about "drinking at the wheel" I never said "darling that was crack cocaine you just saw" me head was really whooshing there was a good $20 worth of Bolivia's best on that pipe. Surprised I ccan drive at all the amount I smoke.

December 4, 2010 12:19 AM


Val said...
I'm not a crackhead though. Don't they work in whorehouses and stuff. O yeah I used to. O ho hum. Shit happens. Well assuming this shipment comes in OK and you can sort out this Mr Kim/whatever the fuck he's called. Long as he's Chinese and can turn a China White he's for me. Tell 'im to bring 7 tonnes hydrochloric acid, 7 tonnes ethyl alcohol 7 tonnes ether. We have a big batch to stir up in those there hills!
By the way we have 12 brands going at present. As well as the Double Uo Globular, there is Panda, 999, 5 Star, Magic Monkey, and rabbit brand. Did the design on that one meself. Two rabbits howling at the moon with some shit in Chinese going down the side. Got it from a Chinese takeaway menu. Aparently it means number 26 with fried rice.
Anyway rabbit brand means it's real crap. Double Lion's (aka UOGlobe's the best). Am I giving you an education in China white here? I wanted to launch a new one called Herpes Brand "keeps coming back" but Bruce doesn't approve. Possibly because we both have it.
Honestly you would not believe the amount of emailing we have to do just to secure ten tonnes of illegal narcotics from Burma to here!
I hope the police aren't reading this. Surely they have better things to do. Knocked at the door the other day to inform me I'd left an upstairs window open and did I know, what with the spate of recent thefts and all (bastard junkies, doncha hate 'em!) Long as the fucking heroin's where it should be everything's OK. Anyway must dash. More crack to pipe before another fucking school run. Oh no because it's Saturday. Thank God for a day off!!
Anyway you get your Mr Kim here pronto and I'll get ya a big pot of neat dilaudid, how does that sound. I also manufacture that and that oxy shit those Americans are into. Oh sorry you're American. Scuse me French. I'm Australian, that's all. Well I must dash. Police at the door AGAIN. What do they want this time?!!

16 comments:

Gledwood said...

forget about me, can nobody answer Valerie? Come on you unimaginative fuckers!

Anonymous said...

Those cops better leave you alone.If they cause a miscarrage there responsible!Bothering you in your conditin.Tell them to leave you alone.

Lady Anon said...

Valerie....you gotta get out from down under...how about a marketing strategy here in the UK?

....you can walk amongst us like Jesus...or not even move...just sit on your wifely posterior...& let someone else dole out the loaves and fishes...

For the limited edition UK brand I'm thinking a single word

..'Bash'

Trust me..here in the UK we go crazy for the stuff...its like selling...well...drugs to addicts!

...Or try Russia...Fifa might even let you sponsor the world cup...

...Then on to Qatar..

Oh the heady days infront of you Valerie...

I'll have my people call your people...

Lady Anon said...

And Gledwood...you don't seem to be taking the sleeping order very seriously.....!

....So SERIOUSLY....before you try & collect a million more adjectives....just go to sleep...

I'll count you some sheep..

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

....god I could actually just keep counting & then you'd pass out from boredom

....& all your readers would leave out of boredom...

..&...the whole world would implode out of boredom....

I'll just...

keep..writing...

the...most....boring....

comment...ever.....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzz!

(shit I fell asleep)

Gledwood said...

I wish I could I'm in bed I just ... basically when I shut my eyes it's like watching TV. Pictures. Too bright not to look at. And no sleep.
Ukk. I will turn lights off and try as much as you can "try" to sleep. Know mystical techniques involving guided imagery (you imagine you're deep sea diving or something. And it works. Not 100% but a good %ge!
O I gotta go, poor Valerie's been arrested!!

Valerie said...

That fucking Gledwood. Stay well clear of that weirdo. I would If I Were You!!

Well I have easy access to a computer again thanks to the fucking bitch in charge. Serious drugs favour. I think I owe about half of Burma now, just for using head screw-bitch's office as my own!!

Now let's get real. China White, UK. Not happening. Too expensive, babe. Your gear, that Bash brand, do you know they actually do put that on the kilo bags? I've seen 'em meself, wouldn't say it otherwise.

What am I saying. Saw it on fucking TV. I'd never go within a million miles of BROWN shit!!!

I am China WHITE Queen. I reign supreme.

If you want my drugs you gotta have the dollars. We're talking about UK maybe £60 a gram. I don't know because UK I haven't dealt with and haven't set up the bullshitters/system/shit/together to do it so. Yeah, probably about there. Not nice when you're used to paying what?? £35 for a weighed G on the streets of London some prison bitch tells me in here... fuck that!! I like it expensive. I make more money that way.

Do you KNOW the street price of gear in Australia... through the roof!!

Just as I am after a lovely snowball. Nice of the gov'nor to let me use her swivel chair for a bit of groin-injecting :-)

Lady Anon said...

I'm sure Valerie knows someone who can find someone who has a spare someone that can come round your place

..(wade through the mess)...

bash you over the head and finally turn that flickering brain off...

...I bet its stuck on some shit channel as well...

....probably X Factor..with hamsters...& Gillian McKeith...& a guest appearance by her latest bowel movement...
...

Thinking of you....(valerie...Not that wierdo Gledwood!)

XxXxxx

Anonymous said...

GLEDS I live in St Kilda we do have a real Val & a Kim (a man) both good but the real mrs big is Kims friend who was only busted last month with a kilo or 2.

Gledwood said...

Who even is Gillian McKeith?

Some trendy hottie? Or lads mag favourite? Should i know..////?fucking shift key

o toilets do you know it looks like there is tomato soup down mine. this is bc my field of vision is all over place, post-rave styleee. I am NOT ON E. KNEW bullshit meantal health phone answerer was barking totally up wrong treee when trying to blame THIS on £5 crack 6 days ago. To anyone who knows anything about crack that is utter bullshit. We talked for enough time that I described in lurid detail my aversion to cannabis and antidepressants after basically going mental on both

whatwver the fuck this is the gear fixed it UP quickly after going on it. sudden flat mood rather than mysteriously happy inevitably followed by depressed. Feelling unusually happy almost ALWAYS meant depression b4/after or both.

i absolutely refuse to simplify, lie, exaggerate or compensate or in any way compromise my own v confusing life history for some shrinker's sake

i reckon it's bipolar or bipolar-like. nothing else it can be, what else is like being on speed when you're NOT on speed???

I don't feel high. just all over the place.

o yeah and of course, like every time, the dumbarse was baffled by my ability to string entire sentences articulately together despite pretty extgreme crisis

reallly cannot be bothered with mental health profession. am going to drug service's own shrink and will basically lay it on line

last crap i heard was PERSONALITY DISORDERS. not me at all

family had a good laugh about that one

Gledwood said...

Anon it's strange you say that. Someone else said same thing. You know why I said St k\ilda... Kate Holden memoir (which I have v mixed views about, take me all day to go into so won't try now) anyway IN MY SKIN book about heroin/prostitution. Know it? THAT is how I know about St Kilda

Gledwood said...

Also St Kilda named after Scottish island, as you probably know..?? Would you? I don't know, living half way round the world whether I would know why my town was named X or Y... but anyway it is

Anonymous said...

Personally Kates book a lot was culled form other peoples stories,St Kilda was named after a ship that ran aground on the beachfront. A ship from a Scottish Isle maybe . Best of luck during this horrible time .

Gledwood said...

The style is pretty well written. With a shit-hot editor. Either her or someone else cutting down the prose. She is v concise.

What gets me is that although she tells the tale of how you start and try to stop and don't and it all builds up, there are times e.g. when she gets fired from the brothel and I think, look if it happened because people thought you were a two faced arselicking bitch, just say that. Don't kind of gloss over everything so neatly. Also she never got an abscess. Nobody ever died she cared about. As she herself said she only lost one guitar to drugs. I sold all my books. Didn't want them, knew their value, was getting £1 a paperback ie 10 paperbacks ='d (back then) a 0.3 deal!!! Didn't realize that was big as was totally new to it. Banging entire thing (skinpopping at first) surprised I didn't die!!
Where was this going? O yeah Kate Holden.... just something about the book i really didn't like, let's leave it at that. though as i say it is really well written, in a way, i think there's stuff that needs explaining to a straight person she's not explained. that probably puts it best.
so you're in Melbourne. Is it true then all the gear is yummy china white and really pure but really expensive? I heard Aussie gear was average purity 60%!!! Sometimes higher.

That Kate Holden was saying they split a $50 deal between 4, IV all novice users. I translated the cash over and can only say in British gear you could EASILY kill yourself on that little. Serious. I ended up in hospital for 2 or 3 days on £5 of brown. Pretty shit hot brown. Woke up saying what happened? I kind of half remember saying that a lot of times. And an exasperated nurse saying yet again "You overdosed on heroin" and me thinking, totally off me nut as they'd brought me round but only just, I slept for hoursr in a holden poppy haze. Junkie heaven, really. Yeah anyway couldn't believe I had actually done that. Let someone put a needle in me. Nearly killed me. It did my head in big time. Remember: no habit numbing it all. The full enormity hit me full on. Fucking horrible. I felt so bad I wanted to forget ever feeling that way and ni a way I've got my wish. I went right down, but cannot remember the ins/outts/whys. Don't want to.
Fucking pits. Why the hell I didn't stop there I have no idea.
BTW as you probably know, British gear you can just smoke, easily off tinfoil, it's way less dangerous and actually a way better way of taking it. I wish I had never gone on the needle. Couldn't stop. Stopped now but only after the worst despair you could possibly imagine and then going serious batloops crazy yesterday/today. I dunno am I crazy now/ do I care...
I know it sounds patronizing but the only thing I would say about heroin to someone not on it/barely on it is don't do it. Big and v painful waste of time.
Can't believe I'm actually saying that and meaning it. Totally lost 10 years to that shit and another 2 or 3 getting on it. = however many years to other substances/not substances/depression/ akh I am 38 and in a way I've lost 30 years!
Childhood depression. Won't bang on about it here but o man just a mess of a life to be frank. Can't believe it got so bad, honestly

Gledwood said...

Listen to me, raving on. Sorry darling. Ukh. Wish I could sleep. No sleep since God knows when. I am just in one constant long weird day.
Police outside. 2 cars right next to each other, the most amazing full-on blue flashing lights you've ever seen. If I hadn't known there was a car full of pigs I'd have gone right up to those lights, raver-stylee.......
o sleep! please!!
i hope i don't sound 2 fucking self pitying. you gotta realize i am at the v new point of just having dumped something that haunted me for all thoses years and i really wanted out of, way back when, just not enough and now i am going to live life on methadone and cant believe THAT one either
fucking green shit!

Anonymous said...

she is very concise she writes for a week end paper,the book came out latter,not selling her belongings i would say she was not a long term user,in Melbourne you can get by quite well for a fare while , abscesses you dont get to much here the gear seems always clean HA .the last 20 yrs the gear has been very good mostly white ,her prices and amounts are hard because the time frame is pre & post drought pre $180 gram$ 20 street deal 10 out 10,post$ 450 gram no street deals only phone contacts $100 10 out 10 ,most shoot up but when it was cheap we had a lot dragon chasers mostly asian.hope im not boring you to much Cheers.

Anonymous said...

Just reading up on the Oz heroin drought xmas 2000/1. The australian govt heralded a win for their move away from harm reduction to more zero tolerance based measures. This may seem a familiar tale over the coming week (drug strategy due out Wednesday - too late for that petition) and months. What actuially appeared to have happened was a bad burmese opium crop and thailand moving towadr producing methamphetamine as it was easier to conceal and cheaper in the long run. I personally live off a script and nowt else but this is an interesting little scenario we might be witnessing. People moving to methadone, others to stimulants,I've heard tales of crack being cut with crystal meth but that may be bs. Anyway, interesting. Maybe Valerie could inform us of what happened;-)
Peter
http://epress.anu.edu.au/cs/mobile_devices/ch10s02.html

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

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Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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