HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Lovely huge sharps bin

THE DRUGGIECLINIC have given me an enormous sharps bin for my old heroin needles.

Hopefully it's spacious enough to pack in an entire drawer full of used needles. Blunt. Used and reused. I'm so looking forward to clearing out this crap (not).

As anyone with experience of IV drugs knows, accidental needle-sticks, particularly sudden and violently inflicted ones in the fingertip hurt; reused blunted needles hurt the most. The tiny wounds are irritating and go on and on bleeding.

It's not fun living in a house full of used works. I've had them in my fingers my hands. I've sat on them. More than once I've ended up with a bent 1ml insulin works wobbling out the end of my big toe. Lovely business, innit.

Yesterday I spent hours doing many many things I had to do. I came back after 5pm utterly exhausted, collapsed in a blue velvet armchair (my landlord's good taste, for once!) and was unconscious, just the same as when I used to come back and have a lovely great gloopy hit on the Brown. See I always thought I didn't need Heroin to oversleep. And sleep I did. In this chair, all evening, all night. For hours and hours.

Waking up late this morning. Glugging back the very last of yesterday's methadone then running straight to the chemist for today's.

I always get the methadone collection out of the way as early as I possibly can. Running there in the evening, imagining I've missed closing time was never fun.

Now it's not even remotely funny as there's no substitute anywhere. I'd rather kill myself than take heroin again. Rather die now and get the misery over with. On Monday Paddywhack and I were discussing lovely suicide methods. I was far more flexible in potential methods, pointing out if you want to go it's worth a minute or so of pretty gruesome "discomfort" in order to get drowned, suffocated... whatever. I think Paddywhacks wants a luxury death. Is there even such a thing..?

And no, I'm not really suicidal. I just make really good dinner party conversation!!

OK so it wasn't a dinner party. It was two old junkies knocking back the alcohol in the gloom. We're all on the drink now.

Just before I trundled home replete with Chinese chicken curry mix vegetable fry rice (yummyyumyummmm!!) last night, I bumped into a guy who couldn't even tell me how he knew me. I knew him. He's been in a nasty accident and lost his memory and consequently a huge chunk of his life. His life was a life of severe heroin, crack and drink addiction. But still, he's lost it. He knows he's only half-back now...

... anyway he said the same thing I, and lots of other old people, say. Those "big time" drug dealers have messed up their business more than they know, trying to up prices, imposing a drought. In doing so they've lost many of their longest-standing customers. People who were fed up anyway have finally become fed up enough to stop. People who couldn't trust drug dealers (and who can) lost the tiny bit of trust that remained.

These are people on methadone scripts who were using (sometimes heavily) on top. Now they are happier to spend far, far less on bottles and cans we at least know the content of (unlike the last 2 batches of dodgy heroin I and lots of others got).

I'm being careful not to speak for them. Speaking for myself: I never want to go back. Perhaps some of those others will bide their time and buy the odd bit of brown, if decent Brown ever returns. If it doesn't (and we have years of experience plus a reliable level of methadone to judge against so we're not easily impressed), I don't think these, their longest-standing customers will be flocking back any time soon.

I'm far too old to con myself that me, my actions or attitudes might sway the behaviour of my old friends. But I hope for their sake they keep hold of the tiredness and jadedness and nausea and plain disgust and keep walking. Walking, trudging, stumbling. In the right direction. Away. And towards freedom.

I for one never want anything to do with that nasty drug Heroin ever again.

Never, ever again.

I'm having a bash at answering my multitudinous piles of unanswered emails later on. Wish me luck, please. And please don't be offended if one of those emails if yours. As I say me+email=really crap. Can't explain why but I'm crap at them. Akh. SORRY everyone.

PS WHY did no-one tell me the X-Factor was over? I gazed vaguely at enough of it last Saturday night to see this. REBECCA FERGUSON performing BEAUTIFUL with CHRISTINA AGUILERA. Rebecca only came 2nd against some nobody. With 38% against his 44%. I found this out days later in The Sun newspaper. She's way better than Leona Lewis. And isn't she sweet. Why didn't she win?
And I must point out Rebecca's voice is tired here. If she sounds this good horase imagine how good she sounds normal. Aretha-like. I will post her best up if/when I can find it


11 comments:

Sid said...

Thats funny, I have to go do exactly the same thing, im putting it off, I have a cupboard full of carrier bags full of pins/bloody tissues/filters an cups etc.... Im a bit of a skanky fuck actually.... and yes needlestick bloody hurts..!

Gledwood said...

Bloody things!

Akelamalu said...

Be careful filling that sharps bin Gleds.

Anna Grace said...

Its v inspiring to hear you say you'll never touch the stuff again. This drought really was a blessing.

I can picture you flat full of used works poking you every where. I've had the same problem in the past. Here the needle exchange only gives you a small red box for used works, they except empty laundry detergent bottles with works in them.

Nice dinner conversation. You and I'd be bells of the ball.

Gledwood said...

It's sitting on the chest of drawers looking like a yellow tower block. Taller than the one pictured, but narrower. I don't want to look at a syringe, much less handle one. But I spose it has to be done :-(

Gledwood said...

Anna: your comment overlapped the last reply so it looks like I'm ignoring you when; I'm not

yep I got sick to death of HeroinHeroinHeroin. Aversion therapy. Worked on me!!

Someone rang me today. Witheld number. I didn't dare answer. One of the dealers used to do that. One in particular. Who I don't want to see

Syd said...

I like that you don't want heroin. And glad that you are getting rid of the needles.

BMelonsLemonade said...

I have a funny story about a sharps box...

My good friend Sophia had an abssess on her foot the size of a golf ball when she finally showed up at the hospital. She used a fake social security number, and they thought she had insurance when they admitted her. So she ends up in a cushy private room before they realize the extent of her insanity and fucking dope habit. They, of couse, are not giving her enough medicine to stave off withdrawl. Her abssess is draining, but its really, really infected. She is insane because they keep giving her meat, and she is a vegetarian. She is throwing food at the nurses, and screaming as her insanity and dope sickness begin to take over. She calls the strip club (where I am working...) over and over that night. She is screeching and begging for dope. When I get off work, I take a loaded needle up to her in the hospital. When I get there, the room has lettuce all over the floor, and she is agonizing in severe pain. Her pupils are huge, and her eyes are wild with insanity and the Sickness. I give her the syringe, as she unhooks herself from the IV. She goes into the bathroom, puts the point right into the port the doctor created for her IV...and bangs it. She comes out of the bathroom as her old self. We start to chat, and I give her the book I brought. Giggling, she goes and pulls the sharps box off the wall, and she starts digging through it, inspecting all the different types of needles in there. She even stashes a few in the drawer. (I guess she thought she could bleach them and keep them?) As she is sitting on the bed, with her hand in the sharps box resting between her legs, the door opens and a large, black, male nurse enters. He freaks out, panicking..."Oh, no, miss, don't put your hand in there." She quickly makes up some line about her ring falling in there. (Yeah, okay...) They tell me I need to leave, and I am escorted out of the building, with my heart punding because of course I am carrying tonight and tomorrow mornings bags on me. They were on her after that...And no one else dared take her dope after that, so she spent the next three days screeching and throwing food at the nurses while they drained her abcess...

Get rid of the fucking needles already, Gled. Don't make those old used motherfuckers your security blanket! (Although, I do understand....)

Gledwood said...

Thanks for that.

May I say first I hope you get your book published. Don't leave that one out.

I know what you mean about a security blanket. I have at least 1 still sheathed. I will keeep that out of self-respect. Knowing what I would do without one... I will keep it. Then NO EXCUSES re picking up sour needles from the street//etc. You know how it goes.

As far as the towerblock full of idiot old needles goes: the box illustrated probably holds the same number. I've had boxes that size before and filled several (bear in mind in Britain needle exchanges are state-sponsored everywhere. Ask for 200 clean works and you get them. I usually got 60 to 120 at a time.)

I'm just getting rid. My only reservation now is not wanting to see, think about or have anything to do with IV drugs. I caught sight of my foot the other day and thought "I never have to inject there again"... I walked past the needle exchange and thought "I never have to pick up new works ever again" and it felt far more than anything else like a release.

People are meant to mourn the life they had. I did when I was in treatment or on programs before. Now I don't. I don't miss anything. Don't want anything back.

And I don't need drugs to be crazy. Simple as. Don't need heroin for anything it ever did. I always overslept. I had all manner of troubles. Heroin only made them worse.

Sid said...

I don't understand why I just can't face throwing mine away.. I think it's that 'well I might need one one day and I won't have any new ones'

Pretty gross really.. since this drought i've been through it all like ten times, looking for filters, my filters have been washed out at least ten times now, its psychosomatic.. or just plain psycho I don't know..THATS why I cant throw anything away... it is like a safety blanket..however the fuck used smack syringes can be a safety blanket..

Gledwood said...

I used to be expert at retrieving dregs from anywhere dregs can accumulate. Some of the methodds are pretty gross, involving injecting my own blood, which isn't exactly advisable.

That is the only way I got a truly nasty dirty hit, by banging up a scabby filter. I mean literally scabbed with blood. It made me ILL.

That is ONE MORE THING that annoys me about the clinic. They have no conception what craving actually means. That leave it 5 mins and it passes works with nicotine, not heroin. Counting to 100 probably works with crack. When I craved heroin I craved it constantly, all day, every second of the day to a greater or lesser extent. It was the ONLY thing that made me feel OK. Fucking stuff.

The only good thing about the drought for me was it put me right OFF. And I am seriously pissed off with dealers who cannot even orchestrate decent gear to LONDON of all places. And the crap they thought they could get away with shoving into it! They have truly proven they don't know their arse from their elbow.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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