O why is this happening to me? I am adding this afterwards. I haven't even taken any drugs and yet I feel cracked out of my head. Like when you're on a binge and haven't done a blast for a while but the residual high and all the crazy pacing is there.
I couldn't tell you whether this is nasty or nice. I keep hearing voices in the night.
Does this mean I am going crazy? E.g. if I shut the door it might say "talk to me" or "f*** off you w****" or nothing at all might trigger the voice. It isn't always exactly like hearing something it's like a very loud impression in my head, coming in from outside. What is this? Should I be worried about it? Do I need a head-shrinker?
Ukk! Am I me myself actually going crazy? Doesn't that only happen to other people.
It happened to me before when I was homeless I remember staring at the wall of the cavernous squat I slept in. A white shimmering light covered the wall like a cinema screen, then broke apart and something like a black and white movie began to play. One night a ghost came. It shouted I'm gonna f****g slit yout throat. And i heard someone creep acrosss the room. Then the door opened and I saw the shadow of a human form, flowing out light, like manga comic style. I am being absolutely truthful and literal. I know half the people reading this will just hate me and think I am psycho, but this is what happened. Then I got awarded a year's worth of money. Benefits backpay. No apparent diagnosis. Maybe depression/drug addiction. Whatever. I got all this money and went so crazy on crack and heroin that I ended up barefoot at 6am pacing the street waiting for the dealer to deliver more. I remember one coming in, pointing to my chocolate milkshake and saying disparagingly "there's alcohol in that!" before handing over a G of B and a 15W for £40! He always did really good deals this dealer. A weighed gram of proper heroin for £30. I had scales. First thing I bought on day one of the binge. Digital scales. And the half a sixteenth I was getting for £40 (crack) weighed 0.9 o this has degenerated anyway my mental health. Is it bad? Please somebody tell me. I feel like I am going crazy? O fuck. I just heard my ankle whisper are you mentally...? Why is this happening? I fuck off you bastard. Sorry I am talking to the cunt who is talking into my head. Just fuck off OK?
What is this? I haven't taken any acid, mushrooms, ketamine, 2CB, 2CT7, MDMA, MDEA, MDA/whatever MDM-else (these are ecstasy-type drugs) or anything for years. Those things used to make me trip. If anything will make anyone hallucinate, I will hallucinate. I cannot smoke cannabis because the effect is so extreme, it's basically like paranoid schizophrenia, no fun thrown in. Just outright paranoia and voices shouting at me in the street. Plus memory loss. And you wonder why I call it "evil cannabis". Really I am surprised I have any of my faculties left at all. Basically uppers do not agree with me. Initially it might take more to set me off (as it does with coke) but once prest, it's like a massive energy switch has been pulled to ON and the drugs don't wear off for days sometimes. Tripping madly 24 hours after the E was supposed to have worn off. All the books dancing. Coloured dots dancing everywhere. I had to take off contact lenses into what looked just like a writhing pot of maggots. I knew I was hallucinating. I said "what is it when you see things like ants and bits of dirt everywhere on speed?" to someone and he said "oh that's the first sign of psychosis." oh thanks a lot. Strangely there is no instruction manual as to what to do once this phenomenon has kicked in, because even though I have not dropped an E (as in ecstasy E) for 8 years. OK I had a bit of meow (mephedrone) the keyboard keeps saying methedrine! Methedrine! The noise of it is setting off words. It's mepherdrone. And it's strong. Like ecstasy and coke, exactly. Though I would say it has far more of a kick to it than E, E is the pure gold of drugs. There is nothing like Ecstasy. Absolute magic. What was I saying even though I have barely taken any uppers or anything liable to make me hallucinate at all and despite some crack I have actually by crackhead standards done fantastically well at dropping (as in giving up, quitting dropping, not dropping an E, which is swallowing one!) I used to love those magic pills so much. Dancing on ecstasy is the only drug that comes close to truly Amazing, Fantastic, Out of This World. Way way higher than crack. Transcendent, man. Like I'd finally found the pot of gold at the rainbow's end. That good. I am writing this with a syringe of my own uncongealed, recooked and filtered lovely black blood between my teeth bc it is the very last dreg of heroin I can find and I have given up trying to find a vein. Voices were distracting me. They have gone now. Thank God! Do you think that was just the tide coming in a bit and now it will go out and I'll be OK? Or am I just slowly losing my mind? I feel like I havven't slept in 20 years. O shit it is 615am I meant to go to bed at midnight? Why am I not sleeping? What is happening to me? I woke up in the late morning/early afternoon (didn't want to wake up) feeling like the biggest party in the world had just come to a crashing close. Terrible comedown. Yet I have not taken anything that takes you up. Heroin does not have a "comedown". The nasty after-effect is withdrawal. That truly did make me feel like I was crazy. Like an off-the scale whirlwind of random nastiness blizzarding through my head in siberian winter. It was absolutely horrible. The experience I went through matched exactly a description of "mixed bipolar state" in some depression book I used to have. But it said at the bottom "not initiated or maintained by an underlying organic disturbance or etiological factor" which means basically you're not on (or withdrawing from) drugs.
Well I have this lovely blood hit, which I only mention to disgust someone somewhere into never experimenting with heroin because it will lead to this. All this nutty craziness that is an excuse for an existence. I really should jump in front of an express train. That is what I always wanted to do and I lived just down the road from the main line. I stood there and the trains whooshed by and one driver somehow knew and waved his arms frantically at me. And that truly did my head in because I was not hanging off the edge of the platform or anything. This guy was whooshing past at a good 90 miles an hour, if not more. How on earth could he tell what I was thinking. Another time someone yelled Don't! Another time someone who had seen the expression on my face and maybe the way I stood unnaturally close and didn't flinch and said "yes that would have killed you" the bastard knew me, but he can't save me. No-one can. That's what's so tragic about all this, in the true sense of what tragedy means "a character fault or flaw leading to chaos and desolation". Tragedy. There we go. Me. A living breathing tragedy.
Still living, still breathing though.
WHY???
OK this is a mess but if I don't press return I will never post it.
1005 (is it relly that late i haven't slept at all) i got 2 comments
this reply was too long to fit in one so i'm dropping it here. i don't want people losing sleep over my condition it's not all good but it's not appalling either so don't worry please. this is what i said, i'm not reading through it or it will never go out so someone somewhere can have a good laugh at my lack of editing discretion haha!
yeah i'm ok
everything i wrote was bang on true i WAS hearing fucking voices, makes me think i'm going crazy.
it didn't used to bother me because nothing did, i was off my head on smack
now i'm not and everything seems v real and utterly unreal in a v mixed up kind of way
i have to go drs anyhow i was so depressed b4
i don't know whether i'm up down or sideways at the moment
don't think i'm actually bipolar surely not. that would be the likely diagnosis, or depression.
i have already been told categorically i am not schizophrenic it was mood related. this was before the "it was all crack" theory
i think my problems are the sum cause of all i've done. yes some of it is genetic, i have pulled the trigger on a loaded gun. some guns aren't loaded with as much shot as mine, some have a way lot more that's the way i see it. now do i sound crazy now
i was just getting a bit desperate it was middle of the night no one to talk to in bed not bothering even faintly to sleep to be frank i would rather stay up all week if i can and crash i know that doesn't sound healthy but why fucking bother sleeping if you don't have to?
sorry i am turning into valerie the drug dealing house wife
also you know sad as it is, everything i write is true.
sometimes i conflate a long story so as not to give every boring twist and turn, the "half gram" of heroin i lost was 0.2 or 0.3 ~ ie half as much 3 days before, just shows what tricks memory plays and i don't trust mine
i can't see the point of keeping a blog if its gonna be some stupid fantasy of what i would like my life to be like. i invented valerie for that. not that i want to be her, i just find her hilariously funny
in fact i have done far more laughing than crying. no crying at all since... can't remember when. but when you're depressed you don't usually tend to cry (big myth that one, you CAN cry, but you need to feel moved to cry. depressed people usually feel blank at best to desperately negative and suicidal at worst)
oh well enough garbling on about my addled brains. as i say who do i have to blame for all that anyhow?
i have given up on drs but will see one. at least something happened that they will take seriously bc i get the impression i am just seen as a junkie time waster. why the fuck anyone would want to give medical treatments to addicts, unless it was the real mccoy and other stuff that works i just do not understand. if you're not ready for it methadone is like going from a rolls royce to a rickety old bike. you just ain't gonna do it.
i don't actually want to be high any more. might sound weird and strange (it certainly does to me) but all the crazy shit is true true true i don't fucking care who believes what but i know shit i haven't told you that is really dire really horrible really degraded i mean ok here's one: i had a box of needles. A huge cardboard box FULL of used needles nearly all used by me. It took literally days to empty it out into the big type sinbins (not the stupid little ones with 1-way push in crap that take ages) big ones. bc even as a junkie you don't want to prick yourself with an old needle, it hurts and a certain level of concentration is required and i didn't have it
so anyway this box is there on the cupboard. landlord who knew full well what i was up to, not the actual man but his honcho knocks the entire fuckinng thing all over the floor. needle city. imagine that i mean that is just one example if you met me in person you wouldn't think i have the personality to take things to such extremes but that's the mistake everybody makes about me. i'm practically opposite to the way most people, who don't know me see me. i love pretending to be naive and stupid and innocent. that has been a favourite game since childhood. obviously most people would rather seem wiser etc than they are, [O SHUT UP YOU BORING FUCKER I DID READ BACK AND SEE WHAT DRUGS DO MAKE YOU BORING strikethrough please!
oh what am i ranting on about here i have no idea. it was some boring aspect of my life i expect but i can't even remember why
i know it probably sounds and looks like i'm off my tits on drugs but i'm honestly clean as a whistle (apart from dregs that I was NOT going to throw away). No scoring for a good 2 days. no drink.
Well I gotta go thanks you 2 for the comments please nobody don't worrry 2 much i'm just a bit lost that's all
lost where! that's what i'd love to know!!
To anyone who wants to know what Valerie has to say it's quite a lot, mostly here at Anna's blog
This is a v good post explaining how heroin works. ie that almost no crime is caused BY heroin itself (unlike alcohol, crack) but in order to GET heroin etc etc.
Valerie is real! Some old bitch in Melbourne already WAS supplying half the country. Or a tiny fraction of the country, nobody knows...
1351 most horrific chemist trip ever spent entire time writing plea for help note to dr/worker ni head but it was full of expletives. Everyone is looking and talking about me I would have started a huge fight if I had challenged 2 black boys for swearing at me. Yeah I know it is paranoiia but it is still happening I feel totally fucking out of it I am not going to even try to sleep though I know this is what I should do my head is going about 5000 miles an hour hey i'm not hearing voices. music stopped it. i cannot walk, open anything, do anything without the fucking object talking at me e.g. the shower saying paradise paradise what the fuck am i meant to do i am not going down the fuckign nuthouse no way, if i go there i will go on monday i don't know if i can last till then i feel fucking terrible/desperate/weird/up cracked out of my head have had no crack except £5 on Sun/Mon early hours. Before that nothing for weeks unless i have such bad amnesia i do not know what i am doing. and i don't know what i am doing what am i doing ?? what?
??
? im still posting this what teh fuck
everything sounds so LOUD
i have to sleep
maybe it will all be gone by whenever it is nearly 2pm i have not bothered to sleep i cannot sleep i cannot sleep i migt die if i sleep
o just shuttup you crazy fucker
you see now i don't want to post this. bc people reading this. i[m ok im ok im not ok i dont know what am i supposed to do???
i need to sleep i need to sleep that is what i need to do
11 comments:
Gledwood,
This is the very best thing you could ever do for yourself.
Besides that it's the best Christmas gift you could give to your readers.
I know you'll get off the stuff. It's only people who are suffering that have that will to get off & I know from experience.
So here's another one of your readers & fans that's rooting for you, that's on your side.
j.
hi. i know you posted this when this was just a picture of a cabbage, no ranting text underneath ukh it is 730am do i not want to sleep? i don't know, i don't know. thank you for the message, v kind of you sorry i am so lost, not drugged just lost somehwere i don't know where
Why? because you're stronger than you give yourself credit for and you know you have a story to get out there to help others.
When are you next at the clinic ... can you see a doctor about how you are feeling?
gledwood,been following your blog i love wot u write and how u care.this too shall pass,just give it time for the chemicals to subside and your head to normalise.stay off the crack it drives people crazee....
Ok Valerie would you please let Gleds get some decent sleep ;)
Gleds people here care about you, we all want to see you as well as you can be. x
valerie has said quite a lot at anna's blog i will give a direct link into her comments if you want to see what she says. she fs and blinds all the time, smokes crack when delivering the kids to school and then complains about nearly being arrested!
she is also China White Queen of Australia!! 20 tonnes a year importer with a 17 carat blue diamond round her neck. How much would a blue one cost that size... maybe $10-20million US? I don't know. A LOT!! I love all things blue so I know diamonds are expensive.
GLEDWOOD...GO TO SLEEP!!!
....NOW
(thats a definate order)
XxXxX
i'm trying
hiya gledwood just remember as long as u can question your sanity your doing ok.
Caeser has a point, as long as you can ask yourself how you're doing, you're still in the land of the living. I find the only way to rid yourself of feeling this wretched is to talk to someone, tell someone how you're feeling, a friend or a worker or a doctor, anyone. Or contact a drugs charity who might be able to help you? Addaction is a charity that offers free treatment services for addiction, try their website?
http://www.addaction.org.uk/landing.asp?section=24§ionTitle=Find+help
A lot of what you post makes sense to me, not the addiction part as I've been lucky enough not to take that path, but the mental health bits you write - you need to get help before it gets worse. People do care about you, Gleds - most of your readers have never and probably will never meet you, but there's something in your writing that makes me connect with you and really root for you, I'm cheering you on in this race to beat addiction. You seem like a talented, intelligent and lovely bloke and it breaks my heart to see you going through hell when you're stronger and better than this. Good luck and take care.
i am worried about you, are you okay?
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