I THINK I have been handed just about the best Coping Mechanism there is on a silver platter.
Schizophrenia/psychotic episode. Let's not beat about the bush. Psychotic episode it is, no question. The dr knew I knew this and didn't try to deceive me. Schizophrenia means a certain form of psychosis (bearing in mind you can also be psychotic and depressed and/or manic) and contrary to popular belief there is a scale of psychosis running from near the edge (whatever that might be) to just over to well over to barking to barking so much you don't know who/what/where/why/anything any more. Schizophrenia can get bad enough. About as bad as it gets without your brain literally melting and your dying.
Schizophrenia: had a real good cry over that one.
I'm not claiming to be suffering here, so don't pin a suffering label on my words. Confused maybe, suffering, not really. Hearing voices can be fun. Head echoes make me laugh. Paranoia I don't like. Riding buses I don't like when there are crowds of school kids making it sound like they're not talking about me when they ARE. + repeating what they say when right up close...
Crowds of people do my head in bigtime. People talking. Even thinking.
Or breathing. Or having faces. Putting things up to face. Eating. Food prog. on TV promted that little baby.
If this doesn't get better I know what it's going to be called. SCHIZOPHRENIA.
BUT ~ and there's a big but ~ if schizophrenia is what it takes to cope being in this shitty world, I'll take that before your nail-gnawing idea of reality, any day.
If you're wondering what I have in mind when I say evil in the world.
And this, the crux of the problem, is what I cannot get my head around: EVIL.
Think Africa. Think Rwanda. Think of a certain event in a certain African country where a coach load of (relatively) rich people was held up. The robbers' idea of what to do in such a robbery was to force at gunpoint every passenger to lie in the road (after raping/abusing/etc) and to force (also at gunpoint) the coach driver to run over these people repeatedly. Whether anybody survived I do not know. Frankly, I would prefer not.
So if you wanna know what I would do now, I would go to Africa to a diseased war zone and find some children, who might well be lacking one or both parents, one or both arms/other limbs, their virginity (at 8) and so on). And if it was a little boy I would be willing to play football with him, even though I don't particularly like soccer (more to do with stereotyping than the actual game, I discovered, years later) and am actually quite good at it. For a girl, supposing she wanted someone to do this, providing somebody divided the hair into squares I would sit there and braid or plait her hair for her. This I can do. It's to do with 3 strands and then over over over (including under).
I'm not claiming to be highly original in the "what to do with abused children whose language you can't understand" stakes, but I'm sure somebody understands.
The best thing you can do to a lot of people in or after a lot of cirumstances is Be Kind. And try to be understanding. And patient. Even if it hurts. And try to give more than you are ever willing to recieve back.
Somehow, if you are willing to do this, it can make everything All Right.
** Yes you can play football (soccer-type) with artificial limbs. Otherwise make it table soccer**
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
2 hours ago