HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Riddance

I WAS IN A SERIOUSLY ANTIMETHADONE MOOD yesterday wasn't I? I was despairing that I'd ever have a life on methadone. I'm not sure I ever will but I
can try. And if I can't do that, I can get rid of the methadone. Not sure how I'll survive, but I'm determined to try that too.

My current priority is to clear my house, which is in a terrible mess. I have rubbish rubbish rubbish. Stuff I've picked up on the street ~ furniture. A television set also retrieved from the street I haven't even plugged in to see if it works. Clothes, sheets, crap all tangled and strewn. I have about 30 black sacks in readiness for the Great Chucking Out. I threw out quite a lot last week. This week the rest Has To Go. I'm setting a time limit of New Year's Eve, by which time my home shall be gleaming like an operating theatre.

Does anybody know a magic cure for unhappiness? I google stuff on depression and get the same useless DSM Diagnostic Criteria. I don't care about that rubbish or whether it's genetic, environmental, drug-induced or all three (probably all three). I want to know how to get Rid. Along with all that Rubbish. Rid Rid Rid.

Good Riddance, Bad Rubbish!

18 comments:

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Gleds,
I don't know magic tricks to cause happiness.
I have a bunch of stimuli that help my mood,music,caffeine,good friends & emotional support,colors.
I'm pretty sensitive, I guess cause lots of this really helps me when I'm down & out.
Chin up,
Hopefully 211 will be a better year for us all.
j.

Jeannie said...

I wish I there was a magic cure for unhappiness. The person who comes up with it will make a fortune. I wonder if everyone is really unhappy. Everyone is oppressed in some way. We do it to each other. There is always pressure to behave in some way or other contrary to what we'd like.

DUTA said...

Hi Gledwoods,

Thanks for your nice comment on my last post.
As for getting rid of stuff, I suggest you decide on what you need and use in your daily life - all the rest has to go; no sentiments about it.

Good Luck, and a Happy New Year!

Gledwood said...

Taffeta: I get high of colours too; the colour blue makes me happy. I don't associate blue with misery at all. That colour is anything from a white-grey haze of nothingness to deepest midnight black despair. Certainly not happy blue!!

Jeannie: aye. And re the magic cure: antidepressants cannot be it. I've read such bad stuff about them in a way I'm glad they disagree with me, it means I won't be taking them. They sound positively poisonous... and do you remember that book Listening to Prozac, claiming chemical utopia was possible.?? Pah!

Duta: that's it! I'm only keeping what I really need, so nearly everything's going!!

Baino said...

They say that decluttering your house helps declutter the mind as well Gleds, you never know. Just might work.

naomi said...

We should probably pair up and clean eachothers houses together for moral support and motivation. I am dispairing, I tried to do it just before xmas. I got rid of a whole blue wheeley bin meant for cans/newspapers/cartons with special brew empties, and I still have barely touched on them! The house is full of them not to mention plastic bags full of "stuff" and syringes all over the place. I just want to cry, everytime I start, I am doing it for ages and it looks no different!!! Its filthy and if i could get away with it, Id set fire to the place to start again. JOKES!!! I was thinking of getting in a cleaner who specialises in doing dirty dirty places.. I would actually give up my wages here, no problem.
Today I had my methadone and sat down with a paper about 9am, where I proceeded to be woken up at 12 having completely conked out. The fear of coming off methadone... urgh... in my blog you will see like 3 summers ago i came off it. of course, a month or two later I od and ended up in intensive care. ooops. but i was ABLE to do it, my head was in a different place. but my body unfortunately not, i still lived in the cambridge equiv. of a highrise london rough estate condensed into two blocks of flats. evil place. evil.

Gledwood said...

Baino: they say the state of your house reflects the state of your mind. In which case my mind is in pretty bad shape. But if I can change my mental state my changing my living conditions then maybe I'll be doing brilliantly by New Year. I have to make a big dent in everything by Tuesday latest. I think the landlord's on the warpath!

Naomi: I've only been to Cambridge for Strawberry Fayre but I really liked it.

Yeah my place is dire, I have a towerblock shaped sharps bin that should hold about 500 or more. I've kept them mostly in one chest of drawers so it shouldn't be too ba. This time I really am chucking out everything including my old drug spoons which are exchange-issued things with rubber handles. I don't want ever to inject again my veins are at terminal stage now. On a bad week I was getting 2/3 misses to 1/3 hits. That bad. My groin and neck are intact, I tried my groin once but didn't hit it. I didn't want to ask for help. In a way I would rather have stopped. My feelings were mixed. And have been for about 2 years. Wanting to stop, not wanting to take the steps to do it, y'know...

Methadone has made me feel really really shit. No enthusiasm or energy for anything. Maybe this isn't methadone just what I feel without gear. If it gets that bad again I need to see a shrink as I cannot live like that. It was one thing doing a day or two or three like that then using again, if I'm not using I need to be healthier than that.

Intensive care for an OD? Naomi that is heavy shit. I bet they said stuff that scared the living crap out of you like "you nearly got brain damage" or something... O man. (Sorry, woman) I'm glad you're OK.

You've had a real battle too. More of a battle than me, as I just gave in to it basically the entire 10 years, except Subutex time and a VERY brief less than one week in rehab and City Roads (detox).

I need the Dirty Places cleaner too. I cannot even think about it. I'm trying to convince myself Cleaning Is Fun. It IS therapeutic. I will not rush it. I will do it and do it properly. I am determined.

Best of luck to you too and take care of yourself please.

PS by evil ... I know what you mean. No escape.

molson said...

I've been donating, selling, trashing stuff for a couple of years now and I still need to get rid of more.

Magic cure for unhappiness? I sure don't have one. A nice walk in the woods is as close as I have come and I haven't had a nice walk in the woods for many a moon now.

You asked...
"Did you ever get a close-up of a pika on your travels? That would make a really good post!"

I've tried many times, but the pikas always manage to ping away before shutter on my pathetically slow camera snaps. Only once did I successfully snap a photo of a pika at rest. Photo posted here... Pika!

Gledwood said...

Eh! A pika!
I have parks by me. Some have trees. I can also get to various Royal Parks within 20 mins half an hour. St James's is pretty good.

I'm gonna goggle at that pika now...

Gledwood said...

O wow! You should've put that on your blog!... Or did you put it there and I missed it? (That would be typical)...

Heather's Mom said...

I suffered from depression most my life - oddly enough it seemed to have *mostly* went away (what I referred to as my "chemical depressions" went away - I still have my "situational depressions" ha!) - anyway...
When I got a dog! I know this isn't practical for everyone, but for those it is... AND, he helped me get rid of a bunch of shoes...
Maybe a cat has the same effect on people?
I wish you luck with the Great Chucking Out - for me it's hard to let go of stuff - I'd have to set the deadline for summer rather than New Year's! lol
God bless.

KansasSunflower said...

I agree with you - the state of your mind reflects in the state of your house. Mine was always a huge mess, so we hired a housekeeper. But they can only do so much, they don't sort out the piles of things you keep everywhere, they just clean your tubs, your sinks, mop your floors, vacuum your carpets. So you're still stuck with your mess.

Congrats on your methadone! I've heard heroin is the hardest drug to break, and certainly understand why one would want to escape, although I've never fallen into the addiction world (unless you count World of Warcraft).

The key to happiness, that is so hard for me too. My answer is not one you want to hear: more drugs, prescribed by a psychiatrist, which I realize is not the answer you want. You want to hear an answer that is NOT drug laden. I would like to hear that answer too!

Hope you had a Merry Christmas, and have a Happy New Year! Hope this coming new year is your BEST YEAR YET! : )

Gattina said...

Tell yourself I am happy, I am happy etc, until you are bored to be happy !

Akelamalu said...

A good clear out always makes me feel better. As for curing depression I find doing things for others lifts my spirits. Do you feel up to maybe volunteering to help others? You may find it makes you feel better. x

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Ridding myself of rubbish always helps my sad feelings. Not so much during the ridding, but when it's all gone.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, dear friend.

Gledwood said...

Heather's Mom: I really wanted a dog but you're not allowed pets here, that's why I had hamsters I could hide in a cupboard. They don't mind dark during the day as they live in burrows.

Kansas Sunflower: o no more drugs! I saw a shrink about 3 weeks ago. He prescribed no drugs. But did ask about antipsychotics. Unfortunately I was bouncing off the walls during this consultation as I was slightly hyper. They don't know whether it's drugs or what it is so I have to do the mind-numbing tedium of no drugs but no drink EITHER. That's gonna be fun!!! not at all. But I gotta do it so I will. Then they can gimme whatever they want after I have another nervous breakdown. Because I probably will (just being pragmatic here).

Gattina: I might want to stab myself if I say it as long as it will take to work but it's worth a try... anything's worth a try. I should try comedy therapy really, that might work, maybe... "laughter is the best medicine"...

Akelamalu: That's a v good idea. I need to find out how to do it now. I'd do care for people who were dying, but I don't know how you get to do that. Better find out...

Nick: o the ridding is doing my head in! Thanks for the wishes :-)

Syd said...

Gleds, ways to get rid of depression-- get out of my own head by helping others, exercising, getting a pet, and doing something that really interests me.

Gledwood said...

I need to do that helping somebody else thing. It would be a real hoop-jump getting the references (which you absolutely need), but the drug clinic would help me there. (I hope.) What could I do though? How would I do it? I would work with people who are dying. It's not morbid. You bring laughter and light into their lives. Hospices are meant to be really funky places these days. Cancer patients high on drugs banging away at the piano... etc. I'd be well into that.

When I look for books etc, or give things away, I always go to the hospice shop first, bc I believe in what they do. Leaving people alone, who are at the end of the line, to feel OK and to die in peace without being tortured by useless medical procedures any more. That I believe in, I'd do that.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood