HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The light at the end of the tunnel...

IT'S A VERY COMMON EXPRESSION: "the light at the end of the tunnel". You might not have experienced the reality behind the metaphor. I have only experienced this twice in my life, both times in childhood.

The first time I saw light at the end of a tunnel, I was very little. It was the last holiday we went on before my parents divorced. Their hobby was hiking, so I did lots of hillwalking in Yorkshire and Derbyshire when I was very small. On this last excursion we followed the route of a disused railway. The terrain was luxuriously flat and reliable... until we came to a fenced off tunnel. The fence was torn open, so we ventured inside.

Unlike the road tunnels or Docklands Light Railway (where you can ride a driverless train right at the front where the driver would be), there were of course no lights here. Moving into the eventual light took a long, long time. The torch my Mum was shining around was almost ineffectual. Its weak beam danced around stones and rocks and just about lit the way. Within about a hundred yards we were in utter darkness. A strong dank smell was everywhere. When she turned off this torch, there was not the faintest glimmer of anything to be seen in front or behind. Just infinite blackness in all directions. I wasn't scared, but I remember vividly the intensity of this dark, knowing that if that torch failed we would see nothing at all for a long, long time.

The tunnel was "only" about half a mile to a mile long, meaning the walk through took ten to twenty minutes.

And this is what I remember best. Eventually, we trekked to the point where the tiniest pinpoint of light appeared straight ahead, like a needle-point. Walking onwards, this light grew gradually in size until it looked like an ever-brightening star. Eventually it grew to the size of the moon. It took what seemed like an eternity to expand into anything resembling the tunnel exit it actually was.

And then we were outside in blinding sunlight, and it was all over.

The second time we were on a canal boat. My parents were divorced and remarried, but the same phenomenon. Utter darkness, then the tiny point of light very gradually getting bigger. It was nothing like driving through a road tunnel, because it took such a long time to actually reach this light, which started so incredibly tiny, you might not be sure you were just imagining things in the endless night.

So there we have it. The great metaphor for life. Somewhere, there's light at that tunnel's end! Keep walking, keep chugging. Keep going. Eventually that light becomes almost blinding, because it's real.

(Just don't go in that tunnel after midnight!)

Anyone remember this song? It got to number 2 in 1983, and it's barely ever played now. But I like it.


Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Love the post and the advice, GLeds. You will find that light again, I am sure. Meanwhile, your wish is my command - come over and see Simi's birthday post! Love from Sicily xx woof!

Gledwood said...

I hope I see the light it doesn't feel like it, but I whinge. I'm coming over in a sec

Anonymous said...

Things usually go from bad to better.
Hopefully better things ahead.

Gledwood said...

Thanks, I hope so!

Syd said...

The tunnels that go under mountains and then water are pretty cool. I like the one across Chesapeake Bay. I think about being under all that water. Pretty nifty stuff.

Gledwood said...

Can you actually go in there..?

The canal tunnel went right through a hill. It took ages to get through it, in complete utter darkness.


Liz said...

That's a brilliant description, gleds. You're a good writer. And the light's still there even when you can't see it.

Gledwood said...


I was wondering how many people actually have seen the light at the end of a tunnel, approached slowly in pitch blackness.... Probably not that many. It's a profound experience ...




Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood