HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A little knock on the head

(SARCASM: A BLOODY GREAT KLONK ON THE HEAD)

That's why I don't feel too right.
A shedload of drugs over about 20 years (though I did months with nothing over 2-3 years; though I might give the impression of having once been on EEEEEEEEE all the time, I wasn't, I just liked it and was still able to go out with it and not take it when I didn't want to. I never lost control of drugs till Heroin.)

And... I'm feeling dazed.

Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!

I once got hit on the head by a truck. That gave me concussion. Concussion is nowhere near as strong as this. This is the biggest thing to hit me ever. And you wonder why I don't want to know what it's called!

Thanks for all the comments. I'm not v good at emails. I have to try more.

I hope this makes sense. I have been told I make a lot of sense. The day I stop making sense is the day it all ends. If I went that barking, I would be mistaken for an American Akita and be apprehended to Battersea Dogs' Home. Hopefully a nice Middle Class family with ferns in the hall and a nice garden would pick me up.


** For those not into drugs, E is what Americans sometimes call X: Ecstasy **

14 comments:

Baino said...

Yeh you should do emails more often. Stick with it Gleds, understanding is half the battle, you'll be right.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

You're so TOUGH on yourself.
In my experiences, sometimes it's best to throw out all self analysis & "professional analysis."
I mean you know yourself SO MUCH better than psyche docs. So don't panic! :)

My sister, Nancy was completely flipped out after being forced to just cease her heroin use & cocaine and Anexia-D.

Her whole pregnancy was all vegetarian food & Anexia-D and she had an acutely normal baby.

With your sense of reasoning, I have a lot of faith with your just totally going clear.
Sure a Valium here & a Xanax there would be soo helpful during withdrawal.

You seem in so much better orientation than I was in. I was soo out of everything...

I always seem to comment just before I'm more or less passed out, so I hope I've made some sense.

More than anything, it was YOU who chose sobriety and that's 100% determination and I have big faith that you'll be doing so much better so soon.

All the best to you,
j.

Gledwood said...

Baino? the best understanding I want is not to go near that crap again. It's already been nearly 10 days. I don't know how many days because I'm not counting. I would LIKE to go to NA on Monday but I was asleep last time. For once I feel sleeping was a good excuse, considering what happened when I didn't sleep. Even the fact that it's weekend freaks me out. People everywhere on the streets after dark. Ukh. I think I'm OK I'm trying not to feel anything. If I do I am sure it would only be miserable, so best not feel it at all, I always say ;->

SilkTaf: Sorry I spelt your name wrong last time and it would've made me look like I was commenting 400 times if I altered it 3 hours later when other comments had already come in.
Hard on myself: get told that all the time. How can you go soft on smoeone who is a useless lazy heroin addict though? I am supposed to steer this wastrel through life, via appointments blah blah the only way I know how is by being hard.
O shit you do realize re withdrawal I'm on a level dose of methadone?
All I did was switch heroin+methadone to methadone. I never expected to feel anything much.
My experience of withdrawing is of totally losing the plot. If it's that bad doing s switchover, I really would go barking crazy, I would have to be physically restrained from doing myself in, repeatedly because everyone wants to die during opiate withdraawal, that's basically what it does to you.
Well I'm not in withdrawal and I have an inkling they will want to go a little bit easy re cutting it down. Considering I don't have a good or pretty record in these matters. If I can give in a clean urine it will be the first real one ever.
Unless something changes drastically I cannot see why it would be a problem handing in clean samples. Drinking I was v frank about and said I'm already at the high end of normal (which would be over the recommended weekly amounts I'm pretty sure... I'm doing 7.5-10.75 units a day. A unit is 10mls neat alcohol. Weekly allowance is 28 units... so I'm doing about double to a bit more... o shyte I have to calm that down. I'm pretty sure I'm on 2-3 cans daily. I need to cut down to 1.5 then take it from there. These cans are cyder 500mls at 7.5% alcohol.

Seth said...

It's totally fun being crazy. I miss it quite a bit. and yes heroin is a bit of a bitch to come off.

caeser said...

Hi Gleds,

I've been keeping up to date with your blog,but not posting comments.
i'm so full of the "i'll do it later/in a bit" shit.

Just posting to say you get your points across and describe things very well(as others have commented)

If you do get to N/A...if you can?want just spill your guts out to the room and see if anyone gets/has the same experience.N/A never lets me down on the amount of identification i get there.

Just e wee post from Caeser in Scotland,saying i'm thinking about ya ;-)

ps The Heroin drought is still the same up here.(sorry for mentioning the H word,but it is the thing that made find this interesting blog of yours)

Take care bud.

Gledwood said...

Akh. Blah blah blah.

OK Silk Taffeta I answered you or tried to I spent a lot of time saying something that seemed to be a reply, which is why I didn't delete.

But can I ask about your sister, was she put on a methadone program, and was it maintenance or a drop-down dose. In rehab/detox it would tend to be a 2-week dropdown to nothing?

The more I think about it =the more scared. I have never heard of anyone who gets as severe reactions mentally but not physically to opiate detox as I do. I know this might sound like excuse excuse excuse but it's true.

If I put my Cold Turkey experience from 10 years ago together with my Mentally Clobbered Methadone Only Switchover experience and add what went on in detox units twice, I think any doctor supervising would be sectionable themself if they didn't exercise the utmost caution. Which means I can probably only go really slow. What the hell rapid anaesthetic detox would do I hate to think.

Even my own family, who are no experts but in one case especially have a v good intuition for it, told me any detox I do should be as calm and slow as possible. They have seen me detoxing. It was not pretty!!

Thanks for your comments, v much. Sometimes when you say something that contradicts me even something I'm scared of so much I cried, you have to understand that even though I say some of what i say only in the last despair of having to accept something (schiz) and I KNOW I don't I know it's way way way too early to know and I know it probably isn't that anyhow but you are peeling that label off. Then I feel lost again. And confused.

If I seem to oversimplify things it's only because I want simplicity.

I hope I haven't just thrown a whole load of mud into clear waters by saying thoe last remarks. I hope you understand me, because otherwise it sounds like I'm must lost and sick and want to be ill. I don't want to be ill. I want to be OK but properly OK not some crap miserable version of OK. I enjoyed being crazy in lots of ways. You gotta make the best of everything!!

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, posting pictures of furry four legged ones is a good sign that you have managed to get some sleep... and still retain a sense of humour - we'd all bail you out of Battersea Dog' home, never fear. Smiles*!*

Janice said...

I'm sorry your having problems with your drug rehab. But please don't stop trying.

Try again.

Janice~

Akelamalu said...

Don't give up trying m'dear. x

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi,
I don't think she got anything in jail, just completely taken off.
I remember her partner in crime coming to see me after a few months in jail (he wasn't on heroin,but pain meds,Xanax and diet pills)One side of his face stayed black & blue for a very long time and he couldn't remember anything. The staff at the prison didn't care about withdrawal.
He's fine now.
My sister is fine too, a little weird, but isn't everyone?
I know before her jail term, she refused methadone treatment because she said she'd get hooked on that forever.At that time she'd been on pedope (whatever combo that is)

It'll all get better. You know the saying "it gets worse before it gets better."
Take good care & I want to echo the sentiments of all the comments.
j.

Syd said...

I like that you posted the Akita. Hang in there. A lot of people are hoping you can stay clean.

BMelonsLemonade said...

"E" is what young Americans may call ectsasy, those of us who are old school, dating back to the underground rave scene in America almost twenty years ago, still call it "X." I have never called it "E" a day in my life, but then I have not rolled in seven years or more...

Gledwood said...

BMelons: I haven't taken E (never called X here) for about 8 years. The only thing similar was meow, which is mephedrone, a cathinone derivative (cathinone is in khat leaves, which are legal here, Somalis chew them a lot). The meow was like ecstasy + coke together and v strong. It was only made illegal here a few months ago. I think I tried it maybe a year ago. I loved ecstasy type stuff but wouldn't go near it now

Syd: yes I would like to BE an Akita. If I could have any dog, that's the one I'd have

SilkTaff: detoxing cold in prison? Sounds reall fun! They do seem to be pretty brutal your end. If I had to do that... I don't know what I would do. It probably would not be something nice. There's nothing like detoxing to send a person irrational!

Akelamalu: gotta give up the booze now. I'm drinking from 1litre bottles now, mixed with tropical fruit juice and poured into lucozade bottles. It's easier to moderate drink from a bottle than cans (I find)

Janice: I'm doing it "in the community" ie at home. Couldn't hack a detox unit. Too many addicts. Sadistic doctors. Dosing at the wrong time (I take it mornings and evenings as I wish; they give it after breakfast (useless, because you can't eat) and at their convenience. Ukh.)

Bimbimbie: I'm sleeping for hours and hours and hours!

Gledwood said...

I know why I missed the next 2 out. It's because I replied, altered part of a reply, reposted it, you had both commented in between and I didn't NOTICE. AKH!!!

CAESAR: I TRIED to go to NA but messed up the time and place. I went right there and everything. V annoying. But I can vouch, having seen it work, that NA does work for those who work it, as you say. I've also been advised to try AA. The only problem I have with AA is that I'm not a full-blown drinker, whereas I was a full-blown heroin addict, so I identify more at NA than AA. the people who advised AA seem vehemently against NA but that is just their taste. They are giving me hte name of a doctor, but I need signatres from AA/NA to get treated, especially as NHS, because this dr is private and expensive. (But he will do free.) I don't really want to do rehab unless I can cut down to 5mg methadone first. Then I'd be willing to come off 5mg over 2 weeks. No quicker.

Yeah I heard the droughts really no better or little better. Those bastards at the "top" have really fucked it up for themselves. I hope they lose lots of customers and I hope just as much some higher quality source comes through, Colombia or Burma. People only accept "brown" because it's the only crap they know. In chicago near Anna Grace you get Mexican Tar, Brown Sugar and China White all in one town. I don't think I'd go near those 1st 2 if I had any choice.

I saw my foot the other day and felt glad I never ever have to stab it, ever again!

SETH: OK I'm going to find out what you mean about being crazy. I felt v odd indeed. Not so much bad, just odd. The craziness did itself in by making me hear voices. Then I knew what was going on.Though the voices were 100% real, I know there is not usually an invisible person right by me speaking Chinese! Otherwise I'd have had little or no idea very much was wrong(!)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood