Still I didn't sleep. I found myself online in a blur. Eventually I got pill number two. I felt rubbery and dizzy and hazy ("high") as I stumbled up to get it. So I decided to be all responsible and bit it in half. The extra 10mg only took over as the previous 20 peaked and faded. An hour or two later I took the other half. Still wide awake, but in bed. If I'd have slept I'd have slept with the computer in my arms, like an electronic baby. At some point I took a third pill, a whole 20mg. My thought process had gone haywire by this time as I left a garbled comment on my own blog (yesterday). At least in my jumbled-up state I had sanity enough to clarify this is what part of me thinks... Last thing I remember was realizing it was 6am and being distinctly displeased about that. Then I slept through past 4:30. Got up at 5. Ran down the chemist with an hour to spare.
People kept calling me this morning on withheld numbers. I suspect 2 different callers as the pattern of rings before hangup was different. The dealer usually rings a long long time, leaves it then rings an hour later. This person rang and rang a few rings over and over. I wish people wouldn't withhold. When I find out who it was (if it was my friend) I have to explain NOT to do that. The dealer will ask me to jump through a hoop, expecting me to wag my tail and enthusiastically woof "how high, master?!" He wants me to test a piteously small amount of free gear, knowing this would (ordinarily) prompt a phone call within 30 mins asking for a £20 bag if not a gram. This one charges £40 on the gram (too much). A weighed gram always used to be £30. Or £35 tops as 2x0.5g £20s. (2x20=no more than 35 in addict maths!) In the last few years I noticed the price sneaking higher. I had only one dealer who did giant bags, weighing 0.6 or 0.7g for £20. These were full of B (brown heroin) and packed with lovely benzos as well. It was a £10 hit on one of these that made me miss my friend's funeral. I woke 2 hours later realizing I'd missed it. Then I slept for 12 hours straight. This gear was beige but went midnight black in the works. I tested benzo-positive on a test-card I obtained, hadn't been at the Valium or any other pills. So I knew it was dodgy B setting this off.
Checking my text messages set off the craving that inspired all this junkie information you just read. I got 2 offering 4 bags for £25. Another one saying great new stuff. All this from "Mr 0.6". He's just round the corner. He's also the one who sold me the very last lot of gear I ever took, 3 weeks ago yesterday. £15 bought what looked like 0.4g of crushed paracetamol, cooked up without any vit C and contained a yellowy heroin solution full of mindblowingly potent downers. These downers wiped more than a week, maybe 2 weeks from my memory.So I could have run round the corner and scored. Instead I glugged my methadone, which was due anyhow (strange how a due methadone dose and heroin-craving coincide, even though methadone's not on my mind). I also popped a temazepam. Well it is Xmas!
What is this? Yet another day without the Killer B? I can't believe it.
I don't exactly feel marvellous, but I am surviving. Just. In a blank, disengaged, not happy way. I'm still here. I only wonder how I will ever move from here somewhere better.
Now the drugs are climbing on I don't want gear so much. Drink, temazepam, methadone. I'm still an addict to my core. An addict who doesn't use Heroin is like a bird that can't fly. I think I'll turn into a furry animal instead. A tubby great hamster, curled in a ball down its burrow, sleeping, slumbering, drowsing all day long.
7 comments:
Hi Gleds,
This all sounds rough. Craving vs. determination.
I gotta say you must be pretty tough to go through this.
I've been dreaming of finding Xanax's on the street in places I'd tuck them away and gone collecting them, last night I dreamed my sister was on 2000mg of Xanax a day and remember feeling envious in that dream, but honestly, if any of those dreams were true or possible, I'd have to turn away cause I really hate how the psyche docs took me off so fast & let me have seizures and amnesia. When I think of that it makes me never want to depend on high doses again.
Wishing you all the best.
Have a merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year ahead,
always,
j.
Three weeks! Awesome. Have a good Christmas Gleds I'm so, so proud of you even if you do need a little sleeping pill now and then to make things bearable.
Think about it after the holidays - these are not times to make major changes - Jan 2 is.
Yes, we have mince pies in Canada but not so much now as when I was little. My mom used to bake up a huge number of them. They weren't my favourite as a child but later I learned to enjoy them. I think, like fruitcake and Christmas pudding, they are an acquired taste. Personally, I'll take the fruitcake first.
Have a Merry Christmas!
Hi, THANKS Jeannie! Your comment came through after those other 2. Mince pies I realized I'd never heard an American mention them so I googled them and Wikipedia declared them British. There's even German and Japanese articles on mince pies. Christmas pudding I heard was also British. I once read a Madonna interview and the interviewer said she was quizzed by American customs on what this weird hat-shaped pudding was!
Christmas cake isn't that popular here, probably because it's so heavy and people gorge on heavy food anyway. I remember it as being almost identical to wedding cake. Very nice though.
Mince pies are my favourite. They go with posh custard (room temperature, from a carton, in my opiinion) or thick whipped double cream or best of all vanila or cornish dairy ice cream. Do you have cornish dairy ice cream? It's buttermilk flavour so very similar to vanilla but actually nicer in my view. Yumyumyumyumyummmmmm!!
So are you still in Mehhiko..?
Hey Gleds, how's it going?
I just read "I also popped a temazepam. Well it is Xmas!" and I had to laugh out loud. You have a good sense of humor that I like :-)
You seem to be doing OK without the heroin. I'm impressed and proud of you mate!
I wanna wish you a wonderful Christmas with love and peace and good sleep.
Take care buddy!
V.
Gleds,
I don't know.I have some Valium, but I don't use it. I don't get anything out of it, I mean it doesn't sedate me. Maybe the effect takes longer than Xanax.With Xanax, I'm calmed within 20 mins.
I have more issues with the psyche docs than the seizures & amnesia. They put me on a drug that made me diabetic.(until long after I got off it)When I complained, I was told losing weight would lower my blood sugar. I weighed 130 lbs. How much more skeletal did they want me?
What's more is I go out of state for my scripts, because there's an accidental od on my records and they won't give me anything.
I could rant about those docs to no end...
Oh well, sorry for all this complaining in your comments space.
All the best,
j.
Vincent: well I did "wobble" yesterday re the heroin. I scored and it was crap. So I barely "used" at all. But use I did. And wiped 3 weeks clean. Aaaakkkkhhhhhhh!!!!!!! But thanks for the wishes.
Taffeta: Doctors are bastards. It took me a long time to realize this, to really grasp it and see that it's true, as I thought I was being grown-up, telling myself that was the addict in me talking. Well it's true. They are bastards. When THEY can't sleep they shluck down sleeping pills. When THEY are in pain they prescribe themselves something really nice. That's why the medical profession is so massively over-represented in the field of addiction. So they're not only Bastards but Raving HYPOCRITES.
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