HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Doctor

THE PSYCH DOCTOR APPTOINTMENT has been done. I think I got out of hospital by a narrow margin. He asked me if I wanted to go in. I said I had a toothbrush on me, nothing else was fixed, ready. Windows could have been wide open for all I knew or cared.
Well I rabbitted on. Feeling anxious and then trying to cure the anxiety by pacing might not have helped. He asked is this me? I hope that question didn't get me too confused. I said yeah. Then asked who I was meant to be then (after room being barged into by script-wielding worker). Then tried not to get real upset about a certain person I know who supposedly hits the drs for a schiz sign-off when he's actually well. 'Because then there's me saddled with all this shit not being listened to, when I intermittently tried to be, not knowing what's going on or what to do.
I am supposed to "take care" of myself. I don't think this dr was being as half-arsed as that might sound. He seems real cautious and intelligent even as shrinks go. And wisse. And I trust him, even as shrinks go. The other main one there I do not trust. Mind Game Playing is the absolute last thing I need.
No diagnosis. He did mention the all time pits NASTY WORD 8888888 fill in the stars with more letters.
Everything is doing my head in. I have to change clinics. Same staff. Old clinic. He says he thinks I am not myself. He also said he thought I'd been real helpful.
That's all I can do is, 1. try and explain; 2. leave matter in professionals' hands; 3. try not to think about. Forget worry. Even think.
No antithinking pills were offered. No pills. Did ask about ones I'd had complete with names. Antipsychotics. Marvellous. Gotta run. Got to close eyes. Go to bed. Something.

12 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Are you seeing him again?

Gledwood said...

Yes, but it's arranged through Worker. Not sure how but it gets done. Worker has to get me appointment in different building but same Worker. Then an appointment comes through to see doc doc again. Probably takes a month, unless I go dingbats AGAIN. Drug withdrawal seems to provoke this the most, even though I wasn't withdrawing I was switching to just methadone. I hadn't been using huge heroin on top for ages and ages, the heroin had been crap. lately it got better but had something weird in it that made people "lose their memory". Nobody reported anything like what happened to me (going cuckoo, hallucinating, paranoia, mood swings etc + I wasn't on substance ii, whatever it's called, long enough for it to be "withdrawal" from that)
basically re drugs the prescription is take none. I said I wanted my urine tested (really to see that I'm not being spiked, though I didn't say that, make me sound even worse!!) he said they will test every single time now. I said good as there won't be any heroin in there (ie it should say just "methadone" ~ nothing else). I have no problem with that. Am not, have not craved heroin apart from in tiny flashes. Gear is crap, even when it's "good" it's crapposhyte.
Erm... did I cover everything? I hope I did. Took this approach with dr. Only one I know how to now. Open mouth: spew. No editing. Truth only.
No second guessing reason for questions/etc.
No giving appearance believed sought. No tellling what they wanna hear, though in shrink appointment this is impossible as there's no such agenda. There is an agenda to say you're so clean and doing os well in a methadone clinic. I only got sucked into this when I was with Bitch Worker Maple Syrup. Who made everything so much worse.
I hope I've covered everything.
I'm suppoed to stop all drugs and drink. I said frankly I'm already down to ordinary people (non addict) drinking levels. E.g. leaving half can on tv at midnight, finishing that half at midday. That is NOT an alcoholic.
He said stop all drink if you can.
It means drink can't take the blame, basically. In a way I'd rather be called drunk than schiz, but it's got so far along a horrible path I might as well go to the bitter end

Bimbimbie said...

I'm glad you feel comfortable with this Dr and didn't hold back - a month seems a long time between appointments, do you get any support from the methadone clinic?

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hey ya Gledwood,

How crazy would it make you if they diagnosed you as 'sane'? haha

I find humour works as badly as anything else and so why not?

You know, that you're writing and daily and expressing whats going on is a good sign that you're not quite loosing your mind yet. Even if it's hard to write. Even if you feel it makes no sense and is a struggle, you're still doing it. I think you'll be fine.

Thoughts, Shane.

Lady Anon said...

Oh Fucks sake!

I just commented on the post below...

I really thought hard about that comment...

It was beautiful!....

SO...get off your crazy arse, scroll down and read it...

(its EVEN nicer than this one...!)


XxXxXx

Lady Anon said...

heroinhead:

...thats the lamest joke I ever heard..!

...He'd have to be crazy to laugh at that!!

XXxx

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Gleds,
I'm glad you got done with your appointment.
I think the comment of Memoirs of a Heroin Head couldn't be more precise.
If you're writing you can't be too way out there.
All the blessings in the world to you as you go through it all.
Night,
j.

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Baino said...

Aww Gleds. Just read the last three posts, I'm sorry my internet has been horrible and I haven't been able to catch up. You know, psychotic episode or not, this is good for you. You sound crazy but in a good way. Please keep seeing this guy he doesn't sound to judgemental and try to keep drinking within certain times (not during the day). I'm rooting for you babe really. This could be what you need. Keep venting on the blog, whether you like it or not, you have people who care about you here and it's good to vent. Really hoping this leads somewhere positive for you. Hey, did you shower?

Gledwood said...

ok I'll start last first.

Baino: I had such trouble getting to the dr I just had to LEAVE I snatched a toothbrush. I had to bu a new travel card which is called Oyster it means you put money on and touch in on a bus without crapping about change. I was clean in that I cleaned myself up the day before and went launderette. It was incredibly difficult. Might not sound it, but it was. Had to be helped with money everything. Of course this probably made me look stoned. I haven't touched drugs in over a week. The thought of going near heroin makes me want to kill myself more than I want to take heroin. I would rather be dead than using heroin. that's how I feel about that crap.

Silk Taffeta: reading helps me concentrate, so dies writing. My head spins and spills all over the place past what I know I probably should be saying but it's v hard to know where I am meant to go but thanks for the thoughts

Lady A: o no, so what if I appreciated the joke but didn't laugh? Am I sane or insane now!!!

Is that the comment or somehwere else? I'm scrolling but thanks for the one you left.

Shane: I wish writing could keep me sane; I think it does a bit. I find writing a lot easier than doing things that might sound ridiculously easy but just aren't. Going in a shop. Using a mobile phone. Using anything not a blog (email). I don't even know why that is but it is. I would like to say I was "tired". Haha!
One of the things Valerie wrote while I was nuts seems to me really offensive, going on about bitches all the time. Ironic, but captured in there is some of the ridiculousness, probably better than me. I tried to keep stuff nonedited. More for me than for anybody else. I hoped it might capture something you cannot photograph, cannot express in any way except by telling someone about it. Or them being there, seeing you basically go cuckoo.
I got a totally different reaction from a shrink in a room than a Worker on a phone. Harder to pretend normality. I did a few stupid things I wish I hadn't e.g. moving my hands up then not being able to take them down. Then realizing that's what nutters do. Then making myself take them down. I told him I am too tired to think about my own, someone else's or worse still a 3rd person's thoughts about me or anything else. I have had to be v careful not to offend knowing I am spouting crap half the time, it's v tiring, I am bored of myself

Bimbimbie: I see the Worker next week. If I am mental I spose I get a drs appointment quicker.

I think I've really shot myself in the foot by telling them I hear voices. There are about a million things schizophrenics can experience and do that "may" mean someone's schizophrenic, but hearing voices makes it ultra-easily diagnosable. + I went and told him what they said. I feel really dire about this now. I was reallly tired and still "disinhibited" and I tried just to be truthful, not realizing I was giving it all away.
Now I have to try and be normal within a few montsh at least or it basically means I am a mental case. The last thing I am ever going to do is read some crap about schizophrenia or psychotic online when that is what happened. It will probably say something scary and set me off and I am trying to be Calm

Gledwood said...

Taffeta: I was not talking about death> I was talking about reading calming me down "so DOES writing". duRRRRR

Anonymous said...

Hi analuha here boyfriend dealing with drought thing by sleeping through all day every day, so good to feel alongside others wide eyed and craving really enjoyed your blogs. For the medically declared insane you speak a lot of sense man. Will read on through long loely hours on 10 mls but got hot sweats.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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