HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Kiwis

FRUITY/FEATHERY FRIDAY/SATURDAY


A KIWI is a fruit containing several times the vitamin C of most citrus fruits


KIWIS are the national bird of New Zealand


NEW ZEALAND, where the Lord of the Rings was filmed


KIWI BIRDS are flightless and feature the characteristic huge beak


KIWIS are shy and retiring. They like hiding in hollow treetrunks and here they build their nests


PROVIDED they're not shot at, chased or otherwise treated cruelly, they can get very tame


THE little Kiwi chooks are well known for being vicious and evil. Here's a police photo of one just before it was arrested for pecking to death 3 young kids in a primary school playground....


... AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT you really will believe anything!

WISHING Y'ALL A PUKKA WEEKEND

16 comments:

Lady Anon said...

Hi...check out your kiwi's!

Am off to bed (work 2morro) but just thought I'd say a quick goodnight....

...And totally...catch all those golden nuggets of truth from nutter club & share with us!

I want to reply to your comment from yesterday but I really need to go to bed or I risk oversleeping again!....I'll email you or something equally sociable!

....night night...

XxXxXxX

Gledwood said...

To catch more golden chicken nuggets I'll have to go McDonalds or KFC or back to NuttynutClub. Woudl rather go back to Nuttynutclub than KFC any day. Processed food makes me feel ill. Not that I don't eat half of Iceland and the Chinese takeaway each week. I eat about x5 more Chinese food now I'm not on gear. Dunno why. It fills a void with gack, I spose.

Take it eazzzy. Lemon squeazy. Morrisons own Lemon Squeazy washing up is only 55p, so get to Morrisons.

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

you suck, you dirty devil!! i clicked on the name "valerie" on, oh, some other site (you know the one, yeah?), and here it brought me. cheeky monkey!

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

dammit! i fell for this post too! i hadn't even read it yet when i posted my last comment! i was like hmmm, is that why the Aussies call the New Zealanders "kiwi"?? well? why DO they anyway? the australians i know are always on about having rivalry with the british, and vice versa. same with the people of new zealand, who refer to the former as "ozzies" and such. i do not know what names are called between you all and the australians, but i'll bet there are some!

maybe it's like the canadians and us... americans always act like there is some great rivalry between us and the good people north of the border... they refer them as canucks and other stuff. maybe they also call us names, but i've never been slandered by a canadian person. it seems to me that americans only THINK there's a rivalry, while canadians have many more important things to think about than citizens of the u.s. ... like the fact that they have candy bars called "kit kat crunch" and we DON'T (i learned of this deficiency in my country of origin just yesterday while viewing a canadian tv advert).

what kind of bird IS that anyway if it's not called a kiwi?

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

re your comment here... when you say you eat half of iceland, what the hell does that mean? do they have icelandic takeout there? i feel so sheltered and stupid suddenly. this blog is banned from now on. (i kid!)

Gledwood said...

Iceland! I keep forgetting it's a supermarket where everything's a ready meal and you can also get frozen veg, chips (fries) and cheesecakes etc. That's my obsession with Iceland. It's good cooking done for ya! (Though most people could probably do better if they tried, I shouldn't mention that tho).

Aussie names for Brits: Poms (I don't know whether this is to do with apples, I always thought it was though). Whingeing Poms, because Brits love complaining.

I can't think of any disparaging name for an Australian off the top of my head. The connexion between Australia and Britain is that most Aussies have British ancestry, so when cheap international calls are offered, Australia is the country mentioned first, before America or Canada. I could have been born Australian btw. Adelaide!!

As far as I know Kiwis (New Zealanders) are named after the bird, and the bird is the national emblem of New Zealand. When I first encountered Kiwi fruit aged about 12 it was called a Chinese Gooseberry! I think Kiwi was considered an easier, more marketable name

O yeah Valerie. She gets everywhere. She's in jail in Sydney. 700kgs finest A grade heroin from Burma were impounded after her indiscreet email to Anna. Now she's selling her blue diamond to pay bribe money!

Ms. Moon said...

Hello! I am here visiting. Your life is quite different from mine, I must say but I like your writing.
I'm glad you have this voice. I am glad to meet you.

Gledwood said...

Ms Moon: your name seems awfully familiar... I couldn't say I've never dropped by before. i know I came on a random blog-hop. That is jumping into comments from a friends blog and via commens from there from there from there and so on.

I'm off the CRAP for now. I could never say never. And if I ever went on I'd just say. But I haven't the slightest intention of ever going back ever ever again. Fucking waste of space shit. No not me, the heroin!!

(Whatever I am, that's for you to decide ;->...)

Akelamalu said...

I love Kiwi fruit, I have one every day! :)

Gledwood said...

Every single day?? You're well organized. I just eat a load at once!!

Gledwood said...

PS Shhhhh!! Don't tell anyone, but I used to inject my Vitamin C intravenously!! (Breaks down the shit-arse crap utterly half-arse bollocks Afghan can't be bothered even to refine it properly CRAP heroin.)

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Delightful, my fried. I think I want to cuddle a Kiwi bird.

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ Thanks for your message.I am so sorry you have had to go through all that and have a nervous breakdown as well. But it sounds like the worst is over and hopefully it will get a little easier with time
Congrats on 2 weeks, I always knew you could and would do it and I am so proud of you. No more suicide talk.You have too much to live for. Maybe get back to writing your books again or travel and become an interpreter or so many other things. This is after you feel better. I am also proud to call you friend and you are an
intelligent man and usually keep up with world events etc.
Try to enjoy Christmas and be proud of your success so far. One day at a time. Take care my friend
Love andBest Wishes from Shepparton, Victoria, Australia all
the way to London. Merle.

Confused said...

Hi

Can you define your perception of a "nervous breakdown"? Also, when did this happen to you and how long did it take to recover?

Gledwood said...

Nick: they're v tame aren't they! I thought they'd scurry away quickly before trusting anyone..!
If I were a bird I wouldn't trust human beings!

Merle: thank you very much. I'm getting back to this writing thing. I wrote one stupid story for children. I have to do more then I have a book

Confused: I use that word for myself when I've suddenly gone into a very strange or desperate state.

What happened last time was I realized I was hearing voices on Tuesday or Wednesday but thought it hilariously funny. I was still taking and on heroin so thought it was something to do with that. I had had enough and wanted to stop for good. I am on a methadone script. I had my last hit on Thursday? (if not then Wednesday) if I hit up anything on Friday it was just dregs and very weak.

At the weekend (Friday) I woke up feeling very down and took 4 hours to get out of bed. I had to go to get the methadone. So I did this. Someone sent me an email and I was laughing my head off. So I thought I cannot be depressed. Not long later, in the evening I started hearing voices quite vividly. I went higher and faster and my head was flooded with imagery thoughts and voices, as well as voices I heard everywhere around me. On Saturday I had to collect methadone I was intensely paranoid, people were swearing at me in the street all the way there and back. The pharmacist was v quick giving the methadone which was good as I could not stay still. I got home again by reminding myself this was just paranoia, though it really didn't feel that way. It felt 100% real. I didn't sleep that night. Slept one hour on Sunday night. On Monday I was very anagry for a couple of hours, then very high, like on crack, for a few hours, then I crashed down and was extremely depressed then I was up again. I saw a psychiatrist on Thursday and I was still ranting. I felt very very weird for a good week afterwards. It took 10 days to wear off. I still don't feel properly OK now. The shrink says it might be drugs. I didn't know withdrawal could do that. I wasn't heroin sick though. I felt absolutely fine physically on the methadone. Previously I found methadone difficult because I was so depressed on it I just couldn't do any meaningful thing at all. Sat in a chair staring at TV.

So that was the breakdown. I'm afraid stuff like that has happened before on antidepressants, on crack. I've also had depression on nothing. Heroin worked for me by flattening my mood for years. So I don't know what or whether anything else is going on but I do not think it's 100% drugs by any means... I don't know

Gledwood said...

Confused: I meant to add "stuff like this happened before"... nowhere near as bad though! That was the all-time worst

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood