HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Psycho Terror!

HERE'S MY IMPRESSION of what a Psycho Dr Really Is And Does...
Sorry for the ambiguous picture. The others I looked up REALLY DID MY HEAD IN.
I seem to have got distinctly thin-skinned recently.

O man. How did I get here (I ponder, not!)
Too confused for too much pondering, me!

CAVE IN (scrupulously avoided, with heroin-like horror going anywhere near any "mental" write up since declared self (or world) mental): Ended up manically checking diagnostic criteria in order to cut short "manic episode" ideas by a good day or two. (Because I didn't get hospitalized after 3 days but before 7 and... o getting confused. Basically it's gotta last 3 days then you get hospitalized, or at least 7 days and to clear it all up I'm not at all sure I've... been so badly out of my right mind for that much more than a week at most. Bloody psycho dcotors. Forcing me to second guess myself!! Hate 'em. Hate it (thinking about self). Obviously love spouting off crap on blog as y'all see. But not really into serious self-analysis. Or serious anything.

Re Psycho Doc Situations: I know I shouldn't talk like that, but the way I see it, it's my job to be severely Confused and/or Desperate; theirs to shove me away, or lock me up and never let out; or mistreat (severely); or prescribe dangerous medication to (would rather have a bit of that fun back than risk going near Physical Hospital, partly because I've seen what happens to people in need of both physical and psychiatric attention, but deemed on the psych side. Nutnut nurses don't know HOW to care.

O no no no no no. What you will have read, if you didn't skip right down here, will be an edited version that tries to clarify mud basically. So if anybody gets a Clear Idea of anything: I Don't.

I am v fed up and annoyed. And was surprised that last night, when I thought I was OK but just tired, annoyed, avoiding people, I should kind of go off rocker in car. "Mental health person" in post below is kind of friend of friend type person I came to by accident yesterday night and wasn't expecting to be there. Otherwise makes it look like this wonderful supportive network is all there when I need it when actually it barely is. I thought it wasn't there at all, that I had no friends. Then I realized (by having to explain away bad behaviour, to put it bluntly) that I did.

I just had to bang out some more crap as I'm terrified of being sectioned under the nasty mental health act (don't think even the lawyers know what year ~ some time in the dark ages). I don't think I'm going anywhere. Unless I end up being "hostile" to a dr. (Ie going off on one a step too far.) Bitter experience has shown me that these people ... are just annoying people, like most people. That's why I don't trust them.

Well I'm sure this has been a rivetting read. Gone way past wondering whether anything might interest anyone. Too tired, jaded, uncared-for/uncaring/unUN for that.

Is it Distinctly Unwise to just click Post and run off? When blog is only meant to be non-fascinating stream of consciousness?


As no sleep means ragged and insomniac-feeling at best, likely to go off like a dingbats fire-alarm from hell at worst.

Please please please stay calm. I need to come across as calm. (Don't care what ACTUALlY AM, long as it appears Calm). Hopefully to make confused account of what supposedly Brings Me Here utter lies. Because what things seem and what they are are precisely the same thing. So if I'm seen to have concocted a story you'd have to be utterly cracko to come in and tell to a psycho doc ~ then I'm lying. When actually I just did a real nice job of keeping still and Behaving. And not being inappropriate.

I used to think I was dead grown up, in some little ways. I wouldn't be presumptuous enough to think I was anything good at all now.

Akh!! I'm off. Hope this has captured some icy terror in face of Dingbats Doc stuff. Then when I'm 84 and have a Printed Copy (bc the internet won't exist then) I can have a real good laugh. If I ever live till 84 and if I am actually able to laugh at that age. I wouldn't put anything past myself now. True lack, utter lack of any sense of self worth. I mean how would you feel if you knew you had got to a pretty short space from being sectioned, just 5 days ago?

Well I'm fully intending to come home after this appointment. Sorry for going on. I mean if you wanted something really boring I should have committed to internet the thought process that went on after I realized I might actually get diagnosed Schizophrenic. That was a good one!! Excepting Jumpf Off Bridge crap (see below: thought had missed methadone chemist (well what other way is there of dealing with a situation like that??)) that was the last time I seriously had a nasty urge to do myself in. This morning.

O that sounds sad. Ho-hum. Well I STOPPED HEROIN didn't I. Anyone having a real good laugh at this, look in the mirror and ask yourself, what's your poison? Or are you just poisonous??
Hope y'all realize this is only meant to be stream of consciousness and not to be picked over for hidden meaning. Otherwise I would never post, never cease second guessing myself... and NEVER SLEEP!!

PS just looked all this crap over after posting. no i didn't "edit" anything. just kind of randomly added chaos to confusion.

pps sorry i probably should/said i would check emails but if i get through that needle's eye at this hour i truly never will SLEEP


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Gled,
Hope all goes well tomorrow.
I know you must have read Marianne Faithfull's autobiography.
Do you remember where she gets detoxed from heroin successfully by a layman?(I think he was a layman)with big doses of vitamin C and I think percocets?
Just grasping at straws trying to be of any help possible.
Your in my prayers,sincerely,

Gledwood said...

I'm on methadone, which is actually working physically.
Well that post is a mess, do you think I should delete it?
I am terrified of coming off methadone now, because every heroin detox I have tried has ended up with me having a "breakdown" with "symptoms" on top of withdrawal matching anything from depression to "mixed bipolar" (that is, really agitated, going really really quick, acting completely out of character, but in a depressed mood, almost no euphoria at all, nearly all depression and bad. I never thought this meant I was "manic depressive" in the true sense. I thought O it's just coming off drugs, lots of things happen to people coming off drugs. Blah Blah. But aparently not.
I saw a psych nurse who thought it sounded like bipolar and quizzed me over and over re the diagnostic crap criteria I think her diagnosis was it was "manic". I never thought "manic" but a kind of mixed up state, where you get a bit OTT. O I din't know what I thought. I don't know what this is now. Absolutely no idea. I have a horrible theory it is 1. the cumulative effects of drugs and 2. manic/depressive/schizzy stuff. Whatever label sounds worst I'm sure they'll pick it... all this mixed together.
I had better run. Take it easy.

lizzydripping said...

i hope it goes well today - don't get to hung upon labels i just want you to get well,i hope you managed some sleep? x

Bimbimbie said...

All the best for today's appointment Geds. A diagnoses is just the starting point to getting the right kind of help. Be honest with your answers otherwise you're not helping yourself in the long run*!*

lizzydripping said...

how did it go or are you incarcerated in hospital so you cant get on line?
hugs and thoughts all sent in a bubble through the ether to you x

Lady Anon said...

Hi Gledwood..I emailed you btw but am guessing you didn't check them between the going crazy & the laundrette visits....enough to keep anyone busy...!

...I haven't been commenting because I feel a bit wierd about the impersonal/personal situation where its all just on here...

...Not that I'm saying don't post...its more about...what the fuck can I say back?....

Um...okay the situation is bizarre...but I think you do have actual friends on here.....!

& I hope today was okay...
& that you are okay
& the world is okay...

..I hope...



Gledwood said...

Sorry people I did get online but typical I never got HERE to comment back ok i will try and go in the order commented in

Lizzy: I have tried not to. And I did try and take your advice. Then I almost had a nervous breakdown over the mere word "schizopherenia" I couldn't be more scared if you said some fatal disease. Fatal diseases have ends. This doesn't

Bimbimbie: they don't slap on a diagnosis until they're pretty sure, although they probably use terms like "sounds like, looks like" I think the fact that it's psychotic was pretty clear. My head was going whirlybins when I got back. Echoing all over the place, in a quite literal way. If your thoughts coudl echo off the side of your head and ping back, so you hear them again, that's what they were doing. Psychotastic, huh!

Lizzie, no that was just me being crap, as I say I was not in a good mood. Though sitting around stewing doesn't describe it. My head was like a hall of mirrors, a kaleidoscope where everything doubles back in a beautiful way. It's not all bad

Lady A: I did read that yesterday and appreciated it v much. I think my 1st reaction was don't you go 2nd guessing all over the place. And the reason I hate that phrase: where is guess number one then?

I will try to get back to you on email I have a Hammer Horror of email it mounts up behind a door to avalanche me when that door is opened! Akh!!

You don't have to worry too much about what you say to a person going batloops as long as you are straight with them and non-confusing. I don't think anyone has confused me. That's saying something good, bc I was v confused at some time!

kevin blumer said...

ive had heroin about 3 to four times in the past i moved away because i my addiction of coke it is tru we dont all steal i dont anyway i was allways lucky enuff to pay for it i havent touched a drug for about 6 years now and if not put in my face i wont touch them again



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood