HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Basketball of Birdseed

I WENT TO THE SNOTTY WOMAN'S FISH SHOP where she sells hamster food, cat biscuits, some exotic aquatics plus the famous "wild bird"... thanks to stingifying their sales procedures they refused to sell me any pack of wild birdseed smaller than a basketball literal carrierbag full. This was highly inconvenient. I've been carting it about with me everywhere.

Went to my weekly drugs clinic. Phoned my creditors yet again. They keep trying to squeeze arrangements out of me. I will not be rushed or intimidated into paying instalments I won't be able to keep going. I've enough experience of defaulting on debts for two lifetimes....

Eventually my worker saw me with this enormous weighed-down bag of stuff and said "what on earth is that?!"

I said, "O I've got some dwarf gremlin things" (the name 'roborovski' escaped me that moment) "that eat birdseed and this is what I had to buy them."

"What? All that?!" said my worker. "Anyone would think you were keepin' pet dairy cows in your room!"

And all the scuzzy junkies in the waiting room looked like they were trying not to laugh.

Just cos they don't have entertaining gremlins in their homes... jealous. As my Mum would have said. When I was at primary school...

Would you like to see an electronic Christmas card? It's really funny. The name of the tune, by the way, is Pachabel's Canon.

Righto, I know that wasn't much of a post but I've got fried chicken getting cold and I gotta go I'm starving!!

***

Videos of the Day
Siberian Tiger
Totem Animals
(I'm not into new-agey hippie **** anymore, but this is quite a nice film...)

***

Wow the gremlins loved their wild bird! Got out of bed, all 3 of them and went nuts for it!!

Fresh seeds, you see.... they really don't appreciate stale old air-stale stuff...

***

Here's a train journey I'd really like to go on. New York to Chicago, then Chicago to Los Angeles on deluxe $1600 train (at "only £800" per person that's ... what am I saying? That's still really expensive!!) I'd love to go New York to LA by train. And it has to be in "pioneer direction", the climate steadily getting more and more exotic as you trundle from Chicago cross cowboy and Indian land to LA..!

***

Did I tell you I once travelled West Wales to Marakesh* by train (and 2 boats, obviously!) By Interrail (Eurail) pass. That took over three days nonstop travel. I remember being in Paris Austerlitz (pretty sure it was that one) asking the platform attendant "where does the train to Spain leave from tonight" and him rolling his eyes: "oo! la-la! The train to Spain!"

*Moroccan rail isn't included on the Interrail scheme any more. Travel is so cheap there I'm sure you can go Tangier-Marakesh for $20*. What Interrail/Eurail have done, however is scrap the former age-limit (it used to be under 26s only) and you can now get all the way to Turkey... wow! Imagine taking the train to Iran! (Bet the frontier is closed. I tried to get into Algeria but it was impossible. The tracks had been torn up for nearly 10 miles from Oujda to the border. Plus Algeria was in upheaval (which only attracted me more, to be frank - now young and naive I was then!)

(Interrail is for Europeans; Eurail is for Americans: it's exactly the same thing but you need to buy the ticket in your home country. Don't just come to Europe and expect to get a pass, you'll run into redtape!)

*Correction: it's 190 dirham* second class... o! I'm making myself too nostalgic now. I got the whiff of Arabic cigarettes up my nose and the wailing of the 6am call to prayer resounding in my ears just thinking about it...

*One Moroccan dirham = US 12 cents.

***

Kern Family Blog http://kernfamily3.blogspot.com
Some really funny pixx of kids in bear suits.

28 comments:

M- Filer said...

oh I know what it's like to be surrounded by the jealous people...they just don't GET IT!

lol

backpakker said...

lol...i liked the first video very much

Gledwood said...

M-filer: of course they don't. But they still probably think I have a heard of dairycows in my bedroom ;->...

Backpakker: tigers? Great stuff, innit?!?! ;->...

Spacecake said...

lol hi, it's me again.

Finally got here. Sure took me long enough, aye?

Anyway, I've just been really busy lately, still am, so that's why I haven't really visited anyone's blog much. Just been quickly on mine to post and then headed off.

Now what was that self-portrait you were talking about? XD.

I'll try to get around to posting more and reading your blog some more, too, if I get the time, hopefully, etc.

I couldn't even find the last post on your blog that I commented on! Gragh. When was I here the last time? Ages ago. And especially you posting everyday, and me posting whenever, it's not that easy of a task to keep up.

Oh wells.

Gledwood said...

;->...

ggirl said...

Hi Gleds! Sorry it's been so long. I can only find huge bags of birdseed here, too. I actually use them for birds, though, not having the pleasure of sharing life with robohammies. I'd love to have one, but at least one of my two huskies would make a snack of one of them given half a chance.

Take care, okay? Checking in again soon.

Gledwood said...

You CAN have one if you want but really they're social so it's best to have 2 or preferably even more...

Are your dogs allowed the run of the house? Ours were never allowed upstairs, so the hammies just went up there.

I don't have dogs now...

Thanks for getting back in touch... did you find that link I told you of?

I'm thinking of getting a "wild bird dispenser" to go up by my window and use up the surplus... but I doubt any wild bird would FIND the seeds up by my high gloomy back window!

raffi said...

they're just jealous. now, go have your fried chicken.

Gledwood said...

I had it... saved one bit for later.

Wow they loved their wild bird. Got out of bed, all 3 of them and went nuts for it!!

Fresh seeds, you see.... they really don't appreciate stale old air-blathered stuff...

Bimbimbie said...

...do your robos eat fresh pumpkin seed - just wondering with all those carved up pumpkins hanging around at the moment. Someone once told me they used them instead of cheese to catch mice/rats *!*

Liz said...

Great Christmas card!

How could forget roborovski but remember you're a womble. oops, sorry, I mean remember dwarf gremlin?

Remember, member, member, what a wombly wombly womble you are.

eric1313 said...

You had me at Snotty Woman's Fish Shop. Had to see what the rest is about.

Fried chicken is good hot or cold. My grandmother was from Tennessee and she made the best fried chicken ever KFC's got nothing on her.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I think they probably would. And fresh pumpkin-scoopings

Liz: I was really trying to avoid the word "hamster" as when you say that people assume you're talking about an ordinary tubby hamster... whereas these 3 all together probably weigh less than a tubby hamster. Also tubby hamsters don't run away then reappear with 3 pink noses every time you go near their house!!

Eric: That's what I like about fried chicken: that you CAN keep it till it goes cold and it's equally good - wahey! ;->...

ddrips said...

One of this day I am going to go on one of those rail trip ... better be sooner cause i am getting old.

quite a memory for you those travel day .. I supposed

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Is there anywhere else you can buy the bird seed? Maybe at a supermarket where they may have smaller packets. Your chicken
sounded yummy. I find chicken is the cheapest meat I can buy. I like lamb,
beef and chicken.
Thank you for your comment ~~ it was a really good one ~~ Angel means messenger, so God's angels may well appear in human form.
Take care, Kindest regards, Merle.

whitenoise said...

The rail trip, any rail trip, is something I'd like to do. They have a very beautiful route through the Canadian Rockies that'd be just about perfect...

Queenie said...

Hi! darling just checking in, loved the video.

Gledwood said...

DDrips: You should definitely go... did you know you can even get a 1st class Eurail ticket? As I said I only went straight down France-Spain-Morocco but you can go right across Switzerland the former Eastern Bloc right down to Turkey or up to Finland... it has to be done if you have the $1600 US (1st class though; it's only $800 second) plus 1 month time...

Merle: I could have got ordinary Trill budgie seed /etc but to be honest it was less of a mixture... and the stuff I bought was huge (2.5 kilos) but cost very little more than any other brand... as Mother Hubbs told me I can just feed the pigeons with it if it threatens to go stale...

Whitenoise: Flying is fun but feels rather cooped up to us economy passengers... that's the great appeal of the train. You can take on far more luggage and there's less messing around!

Queenie: Where have you been darling? Are you OK?

Angie said...

Hi Gleds,
Just wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog. I'm new to this blogging lark and have still got a heck of a lot to learn,lol. Anyway, thanks again.
Angie.

Gledwood said...

Thanks very much for the message: I left a reply just now at yours...

Gledwood said...

Amélie Nothomb

Gledwood said...

Amélie Nothomb

(That was a message to self)

Angie said...

Hi Gleds,
Got your message,thanks for the compliment! I'll have a look at your friend's blog, she sounds a very brave lady.
Angie

Angie said...

Hello again Gleds,
Yes to both questions,the pics were taken a couple of years ago and yes, I am cack handed with technology! I had a look at ruthjen's blog,it's beautiful.Am slowly going through yours as well and am finding it very interesting.I'll have a look at that other blog you've recommended. Thanks for that.Bye for now.

zennist said...

Hi Gleds. No the link didn't appear. I'm signing off here with my blogger account. It's much more functional than tblog.

Are you kidding? Not only do my dogs have the run of the house, they have the run of my entire life.

I may find a way yet. Every time I see them, not only do I think of you. I also would really, really like to have a couple of fast moving new friends.

You know me as "ggirl."

Gledwood said...

Angie: Thanks for getting back in touch from up in the Wirral... much appreciated... you will really like the http://plumpiemousie.blogspot.com blog I'm sure you will! Enjoy!!

Zennist: I know... yet I keep forgetting about your alteregos... so you cannot have robos in all practically... why not a shed ...

(just popped into my mind that did... !!)

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood