HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Bhumibol Birthday: Royal Windows

THERE IS A DOCUMENTARY ON THE RADIO as I speak about blind people on a photography course. Radio 4 are running this in all seriousness. What next? Yodelling for the deaf?
I've been thinking about the Queen quite a lot as I've been staring out of my clear window (my new passtime). She was grumbling on Monday night about being tired. Frankly I'm not surprised! Heading the state aged 82!

And to those who say her Majesty does not "work" I'd say imagine the kind of situation e.g. a wedding. You really don't want to go but duty calls. And all day is spent drest up, on display, being photographed and camcordered at every turn and having to be gracious for hours on end to people you hardly know and might not like. All this running right through to the evening when, toadd insult to injury, something you'd particularly like to watch is on television. Assuming you're not roaring drunk when you return - how are you going to feel? Nothing if not utterly exhausted! Our poor Queen is on such best behaviour every day of the week!

Having said that, if I'd been somehow given a choice, pre-birth of a royal life or a normal life, I'd be the kind of fool to press the royal button!! Rollerskating round Buckingham Palace would be too much of a joy to turn down...

Did you know, every afternoon she's at "home" her Majesty is served tea at three o'clock sharp with her corgis at her feet. A little pot of tea is brought in for Ma'am, along with a multistorey silver cake stand loaded up and brimming with creamy dainties. In strict contravention of the Royal Vet's instructions, her Majesty feeds every one of these to the baying, squabbling, misbehaving eight-strong pack of hounds as they charge round the room trying to catch them in their elongated noses... Half an hour later the obsequious servants return to one empty teacup and a Persian rug now strewn with dog-hairs, cake crumbs and creamy paw prints. And straight-faced, her Majesty claims to have noshed the entire stack of creamies herself!

Because I would not put it past Evilstein to poke out my hamsters himself, I kept htem stahsed under deep cover until Tuesday evening. Out they pinged merrily in a furry jamboree when finally I undid the tartan clothes bag.... I could not help noticing they'd polished off all four handfuls of hammymix and birdseed I put out on Monday morning (and probably stashed it directly in their teabox) - they had done this so efficiently that not a stray seed remained on open display barely a day later. A couple of broccoli-sprigs were the only untidiness. I've made them a public toilet now and a toy and they actually use both. The latrine is an empty Parmesan tub with the biggest flap open. Ugh it smells, but if I washed it too well they'd forget what it's there for knowing them and start weeing in the toilet tubes again (which made Itchy really stink - I think being lowest pecking order she got the lavatorial end to sleep in ...)

The special toy is two toilet tubes fixed together with random holes cut all around on both. These are slotted into a Jaffa Cakes box with more holes cut into all six sides. Itchy especially loves diving in and peering out. She looks so funny with her tubby bum blocking up the hole, two pink and stubby legs akimbo as she vanishes inside....

I have just found out I may have that winter SAD thing. TK Kerouac posted a fairly clinical description of the condition (Monday 3 December post) and it was me down to a T. Especially when I found out it often manifests as exhaustion rather than straight "depression". Last night I was asleep by early evening, maybe 6pm. And slept on and off (but mostly on) all the way through till 2pm this afternoon... This may have something to do with London being on such a high latitude. Though we're hardly arctic circle, in deepest midwinter we do get barely more than seven and a half hours of very faint, watery daylight. That is miserably depressing... And each time I try to get more active and to do things I pay for it in even worse weariness afterwards. So I can't win!

Anyway, happy 80th birthday to King Bhumibol of Thailand, longest-serving monarch in the world!

Videos of the day:
King Bhumibol, Great King of Thailand
Boney M: Rivers of Babylon (!)


Two blogs of people (they are a couple) who moved from Amsterdam to Adelaide recently:

Nicole http://nicolemobile.blogspot.com (she's already featured here)

Vincent http://vincentmobile.blogspot.com (brand new blog)
It's fascinating to see a new life spanning out before you...

Another expat blogger I know is Welshcakes Limoncello who blogs about her current life in Sicily http://sicilyscene.blogspot.com


Sketches of Japanese Manners and Customes: a facsimile 1850s book courtesy of Nicole!


zen wizard said...

I can only deduce from the rather abrupt segue that if you were King of England you would have servants bring in rodent food at 3 p.m. and feed rodents who you have running around Buckingham Palace on the carpet and then tell the servants you ate it.

Was that a good synopsis of today's theme?

They would call you the Gerbil King.

In America, we "elect" our gerbil royalty at the movie box office.

(Oh, that was bad!!)

Eileen said...

Re; Winter Blues: SAD - take Vitmaim D

Re; Royalty: I would never want to be born into Royalty, it sounds like a nightmare. Everything is so proper and laid out for the Royal family and entrenched in tradition. I prefer my life as is - I can basically do what I want, when I want and really people could care less. I like living life under the raidar if you will.

Question: I am OBSESSED with Hedge Hogs and I hear that they are a plenty in England. Do they actually come up to you if you leave milk out for them? I can see myself over there in April, meeting basically my new in-laws and being totally pre-occupied with trying to catch a hedgehog in the backyard. Should make a good impression - crazy North American.

Congratualtions on your new window, enjoy the view.

Gledwood said...

Zen Wizz:... maybe I would. But being hamsters they pack most of the food in their pouches to stash for later. And they wouldn't catch it in their long "noses" and leave creamy prints all over the oriental rugs! ;->...

Eileen: do you GET hedgehogs in Canada? Wow! You're lucky you seem to get EVERYTHING we have in Europe plus a lot more e.g. raccoons, coyotes, cougar things... which we never see (bc they only exist in zoos here if at all...)

yes hedgehogs are very common. They are the most likely mammal to be seen in the back garden at night apart from maybe the fox and little rannies ie mice, shrews, voles etc

hedgehogs are quite tame and will indeed come up for saucers of (meaty tinned) catfood and milk

because their defence is rolling in a ball even pretty fierce dogs can't do much but sniff about them curiously and toddle off. Cats are way too scaredy... yeah they're pretty cool haha!

Eileen said...

NO! We don't get hedgehogs in Canada - we get pretty much everything else, but nothing that looks as docile and cuddly. It would be a bad move to try and cuddle a raccoon. My plan is to arrive in England, sit out in my boyfriend's parents yard, at night, with a bowl of milk and wait for them to come...screw Big Ben, I am in it for the hedgehogs, see what i said....crazy...

Gledwood said...

Probably it is best to install security lighting sensitive enough for a hedgehog to let off... otherwise you know how these things go!
You'll be waiting on a deckchair with hot coco... midnight... 2am... 3am.... and so on..!


Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

ahhhh, but did you know that it's TWINNINGS tea she drinks? She has a different type of twinnings during the day (starting off with breakfast tea of course!) I only know this crap because I've met the owner, Sam Twinning, about 15 years ago in Oz, and I had to drink every single type of tea, being told 'the queen drinks this, blah blah blah' (and of course she doesn't have it with milk or sugar!)

Gledwood said...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I've had Twining's tea: the Earl Grey is particularly good.... in fact I do seem to recall a "by appointment" crest atop the packet... I will go and have a look in a sec as I have to go shop to get more cyder!

How on earth did you get to meet Mr Twining that is bizarre!!!

molson said...

I just noticed that you have an ad for 635nm laser diodes on your blogsite Gledwood. Now what would someone use a 635nm laser diode for I wonder? Oh how very sciencey. Is that a word? Sciencey? How would that translate into Japanese? Hmmmm.

Whitenoise said...

Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl, but she doesn't have a lot to say Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl
but she changes from day to day...

M- Filer said...

Seven hours of sunlight...sweet jesus! That is horrid, I would slit my throat if put in that circumstance. Perhaps you could join a health club to work off your doldrums. I ALWAYS feel happier and more alive after a work out. Of course if you are still using drugs, that probabally isn't an option for a number of reasons. Never mind.

The Queen does have it bad, poor thing.

Nicole said...

I thought you'd enjoy this, being a bit of a Japan buff:


(I've split the link so you'll have to copy and paste it together.)

Gledwood said...

Molson: soi'n gwbod y gaer japaneg am pethau "diodes" o rhechain!... ooer sorry that was Welsh but yes indeed! I can see that 6nm diodes ad. Is nm nanometres? Surely they're very small diodes. I expect they just sell you an empty packet and convince you they were all too small to spot in there!!

Whitenoise: changes day to day? yes she may

M-filer: hang on you live nr New York? Isn't it equally dingy in midwinter???

Nicole: that Japanese link is fantastic I'm going to post it up on my blog in a minute! Thanxx!!!

Whitenoise said...

Actually, that's a Beatles song, Gled. Only thing that popped into my empty mind... ;-)

Gledwood said...

you mean HELP! i need somebody HELP! now just anybody HELP you know I need someone HEEEEELLLP tardle-dar-dardle-DAARGH!!!....when I was younger so much younger than today ... &c... &c... &c... &c.... &c... &c.... &c.... &c.... &c.... !! (??) (!!) ! ? ! ~??

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

I met Mr Twinning in Australia. I worked for an international food distributer, and used to sell the stuff. He was over promoting the Lady Grey tea. Had to drink the bloody stuff for 2 hours! And yes, you are right, it is endorsed by the queen.

Nicole said...

So glad you liked the Japanese link. I thought it was quite wonderful myself. I have another friend in New York that I sent it to, he recently came back from a trip to Japan. He goes often. Here are some of his photos from this time around:


molson said...

The diode ad is gone now. I think the 635nm (nanometer) refers to the wavelength of light that the diode emits. Oh we're just awash in science now. How very exciting!

M- Filer said...

I used to live in New York City, now I live in sunny Virginia, not always warm, but a cheerful climate: Long summers , short winters.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood