HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, December 28, 2007

RIP Benazir; Predictions for Next Year...

SO POOR BENAZIR BHUTTO, former 1980s Prime Minister of Pakistan (and international best drest leader. Far funkier choice of outfits than Margaret Thatcher who was her contemporary)... was assassinated yesterday. Though the Pakistani government claim she wasn't shot at all, but fell and fatally clonked her head as bullets flew all around, her assailant subsequently blew himself up killing twenty bystanders. Whatever the precise cause, the lady is dead. I was wondering why on earth she went for Prime Minister when she could have been President, but have just discovered that the consitution of Pakistan supposedly places President as Queen-like figurehead with the PM holding the true reins of power. Some dictator-style Presidents, like Musharraf, have over the years, altered the constitution to their own ends to allow themselves to be President and All Powerful.

Valium Marilyn took me out for Chinese food tonight. Chicken-capsicums-blackbean-sauce-mound-of-lice for me. Very nice. Pad Thai for her. I could have done with a side-order of heroin, I must say, but hey. Lovely food, but neither of us could finish it and I ended up taking half mine home in a doggie bag!

Now Xmas is over I feel like the world. Drab and down. And overinclined to doze... I hope everyone else is OK. Most of you seem still to be off away on holidays...

Anyway: New Year's next week; here are my World Predictions for 2008:-

~ US dollar to decline further, maybe to $2.50 to the £ sterling, but to bottom out. Euro gains increasing favour as world reserve currency

~ Hilary Clinton to be US President (nobody's even heard of the Republican contenders over here)

~ As of February it's Chinese Year of the Rat, my own sign and supposedly my year. I shall get a publishing deal for my memoirs and the Baying Gwendolina novel (had to get "baying" somehow into 2008 predictions haha!!)

~ Violence and disorder spread across Britain's streets

~ Worldwide oil and fuel crisis deepens

~ Spherical, my tubbiest robo, at last gets genuinely pregnant

~ Osama Bin Laden captured - dead.

Video of the Day
Obituary of Ronnie Barker, my favourite comedian of all ...


Deb said...

We'll have to see about your predictions...could be right on the money.

Is that a Ronnie from the two Ronnies?....I remember them - we used to get them over here.

Happy New Year gleds...I'm just popping by for a minute...haven't been blogging much. Funeral for my friend tomorrow so we'll see what happens after that.

Did I read it correctly?....black bean lice? Doesn't sound good, even though I love black bean sauce!

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Happy Holidays Gled,

Just wanted to wish ya luck with the year of the rodent (I'm a dirty ape as Heston would say). My only prediction is that whatever world events occur, the 24/7 media of today will sensationalize it exponentially.

Bimbimbie said...

Yes, RIP Benazir - not unexpected but still shocking to hear of her violent death. She was very brave to return and to continue on after the first attempt on her life failed.

I'm a rattie too - I only realised the other day that I'm a Metal Rat didn't know there are different types *!*

You paint a gloomy picture for 2008 but I think you are on the mark for a couple of them.

That was nice of Valium Marilyn - she must have been on her best behaviour for you to accept - good for her ... hope it continues into 2008 *!*

Lots of dozing here too ... yawn!

Edyta said...

I am back, I know, right!
I'll catch up with everything asap. Darn i missed everyone. Feels good to be back!

lettuce said...

drab and down, dozey - and also rather windy today...

so, should i buy dollars for my US trip (in April) now - or hold out for a bit longer?

seasonal festive greetings and all that.

lettuce said...

i've just watched the vid, thanks for that, excellent - and i've not seen that one for ages. About time the Beeb did some repeats.

Gledwood said...

Debs: I'm v sorry about your friend. I hope your New Year is better than the Old!

Yes Ronnie Barker was the Big Two Ronnie I thought he was hilarious. Reminded me of a step auntie I had in extended family (who I really liked... probably even more as she reminded me of Ronnie Barker in drag)

Discovering: hey I was thinking about you today as it goes (I really was!!)... I have had bad trouble leaving messages at yours so Happy New Year if I don't manage to get through otherwise...

Bimbimbie: Benazir: yes I agree. I'm a water rat apparently. I could get a job in Wind of the Willows.

Do you know I was inspired by a BBC radio show of news correspondents' predictions to make similar ones along their lines... I barely even NOTICED that of course in line with traditional news-telling EVERY ONE except me and hamsters has to be NEGATIVE as news=BAD NEWS hmmm

Edyta: wow you are back PLEASE START POSTIN' AGAIN. C'MON!!

Lettuce: o dollars. For the USA obviously you HAVE to get dollars. I would buy some now some later that way split the risk.

What annoyed me about the dollar was travelling to India (I think it was) maybe Morocco. but the £ sterling exchange rate went VIA the dollar whatever you tried to do... so the dollar influenced everything... when I went India I ignored the crappy advice of UK banks (NEVER take £ sterling traveller's cheques abroard unless you have severe patience. Euros and dollars rule)... I got dollar travellers cheques and had so much easier time than with ill-advised pounds some years ago in France. Ukk

Akelamalu said...

I hope your prediction for Osama Bin Laden is right!

We're going out for a Chinese Banquet on Tuesday evening, then I'm definitely starting my DIET!!!

Gledwood said...

Beef black bean sauce mix veg fried rice I recommend

also I love Chinese chicken curry

yumm yumm

f*** the diet till next year

ooer next year is about 3 days away... ho-hum!

CrystalChick said...

I have many Diana and other royal books and none of the decor is particularly interesting. However, I do LOVE reading the stories!
I felt terrible when hearing Benazir Bhutto had died, however it happened. She'd been in danger for some time, so that she still went on with her decision to try and make Pakistan a better place for it's people was very courageous.
I was just chatting with someone yesterday and said how I would love to travel to Europe someday, but she said it's getting so much more expensive because our dollar value is next to nothing.
Have a great '08!

eric1313 said...

It's the death of Benazir that saddens me the most. She predicted it would happen.

And look at old Musharraf, grinning like the Cheshire cat...

Sad part is who's payroll is he on?

The US's, that's who... But I'll bet you knew that already.

Gledwood said...

Crystalchick: I agree the Royals are fascinating... I do think poor Diana was given the worsematched castoffs and didn't have the heart to complain about it. Buckingham Palace is nowhere near as slovenly as her apartment at "KP" seemed. Also I've seen another interior at KP and it was wonderful so ...


Eric: I heard Benazir salted away literally millions in "kickbacks" in "Swiss bank accounts" throughout her reigns and so those "politically motivated corruption charges" levelled against her did actually have substance... the BBC Pakistan correspondent made this claim the day after she passed "on" ...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood